I'm sorry for all the pain and suffering you've experienced, and I'm sorry for all the other people in your relationship for the pain and suffering you've caused.
Know that life can go on with much more richness and satisfaction. Know that healing is possible. Know that forgiveness is possible, always for yourself, and hopefully for the others.
Having said that, the problems you recite/recall about childhood seem (in my amateur opinion) unresolved and in need of continued professional help and counsel.
This is not a quick fix, and I'm not a professional.
Please get the help that you need for you, and the help that your family needs.
