well when i was awoken at 630 by my son crawling in me bed an not seeing my h there i was only slightly dissapointed, but the fact that it is now 9 and he still hasn't bothered to call is really bothering me, does he not understand what message it is that he sends me when he does such things??? it is unlikely that he is still asleep he does have work to do and always claims to stay down there so he can get up early as here he's been having a hard time getting out of bed. this is where the problems begin, I was not mad at the fact that he didn't come here last night, but the longer he takes to call the more likely it is that i will get mad. what the hell am i????
LL
ok so h just called and is still in a happy playfull mode though he probably noticed my not so up mode, i did not say anything about anything just was. he had to get back to what he was doing so said he'd call back later, is funny he always asks what we are going to do for the day. he asked about how son woke up and if he said anything, sorry h son doesn't ask for you he got too used to you NOT being here so the fact that you are here sometimes now doesn't matter he doesn't expect to see you. (didn't tell h that) so I'll have to try to keep in a good mood when it comes to h so when he comes tonight i'm not a bitch, but really don't have it for him today. we'll see if and when he calls next.
LL
Sorry for the disappointment. The feeling of insecurity and disappointment is just so inevitible given your sitch. Glad you shared with us on this board before you let your mood going after your H tonight.
Given my inspiration to fix things as a guy, may I suggest a somewhat different mental strategy. Loretta's advise above had a point not to set your expectation too high by playing games. It is fun to some extent, but the down side is what you are feeling now: disappointment. This mood could result in your lashing out on your H when he does come. That would not be a good idea.
One thought I have was to make a clear arrangement with H for him to visit certain days of a week. Talk to him explicitly about his "obligation" to come home. Let him have the freedom to play or to do whatever he wants during the other days. If he comes, it is a bonus, but don't set the expectation and wait for him, or even wait on him as he comes. Enjoy yourself, read a book for your book club, help people solve problems on this BB. Keep yourself occupied.
You are the best judge of this suggestion, but the way I read your story, I felt that you are able to ask what what you want: you want him to be home certain nights of a week, perhaps a day/night in weekend. Don't set too many days, but communicate your expectation that he would call if he cannot make it. As things progress, he would voluntarily stay more and more, like he has been doing.
This could give you more peace of mind, while giving your H some space to grow and play with his buddies. You would not have to lash out on him for your disappointment. It would be a win-win arrangement.
Just like you said, I see positive directions as things are going. Your H is actually trying to come home, but he is also a boy (sorry, aren't men all?) and he needs time and space. The awkwardness you feel is a necessary step to strike a balance for both your H and yourself. So hang in there, and figure out what works and what not. He will come home eventually.
thanx chuck,
it does only seem to be two nights a week that h doesn't come here, they are typically sun and wed nights. I'm not all that dissapointed that h didn't come last night just would have been a nice surprize and 180 for him.
now here's the dilema.... after h's not comming wed night i went out thurs night, not to spite him but because i already had plans to go out that night....
one of my girlfriends just called to see if i could go to dinner with her she has some things to talk to me about in regard to her life.... h is comming tonight but hasn't said anything about "us" time, i don't want to go out to spite him but I would like to go out and talk with gf.... thing is he will not have any problem with it... or at least will not say so... is not his way... here's an example.. in a few weeks i'm going to a wedding... as a guest... and staying at the hotel... h does not ask with who and seems to not be bothered. says it would bother him but what can he do about it if i want to go i will go he cant stop me.. but to not even ask???
I will be a guest of my mother.. she figures i know everyone there while her bf doesn't so bringing me she'd had more fun.
the groom is my brothers best friend, and all the "fella's" will be there and they are all single... when i let h know the person i was going with was not one of them as he susspected but with my mom, he did say he was a little concerned simply because he assumes they know the sit and will try to warm up to me. (he is so foolish, they don't and wont go there with me) thing is h wouldn't outright say he was concerned til i asked. guess h is just a better dbr than me, and he never read the book!
LL
what is not fair is that even when i do take my space and go out to do things w/o h, I still come home at night and wake here in the am... even if it's a ride from where i am. when h wants his space he doesn't come here...
ok h admitted that the reason he did not come over last night is so that i wouldn't think he was comming over just for sex.... trying to outsmart me??? yeah well the thing to do in that case (since you were going with out by not comming) would have been to just come over and cuddle up sleeping with me.... ahhhh but that is last night.... tonight h will be here about six, asked if i'd watch football with him... i let him know i'd be going out with friend... he said ok... is odd... h tries to give me my space and doesn't say well do you think you could try not to make it a late night i'd like to spend time with you... just says is ok.... all the while he does want me to be home.... oh well the space thing... live and learn h now knows that i want him to express to me that he'd like me around even if i will be going out. so now he knows. LL
Sounds like progress. Now he knows what you want to hear. I do agree about coming over and not being intimate. Would have been nice. Maybe next time he will.
Your PMA seems a lot better. I hope you're coming to peace with OW. She isn't worth your time. He's there 5 nights. Like you said last month it wasnt at all. Look for the positives.
Quote: I do agree about coming over and not being intimate.
At the risk of sounding like I'm mincing words, I think LL is saying exactly the opposite... She would LOVE for him to come over with the intention of being intimate, rather than just coming over for sex.
OK, I'm ranting now, but this is one of my pet peeves -- the mistaken correlation between intimacy and sex. Look at it this way... It's possible to have sex without intimacy, even without the other party's agreement. Intimacy-less sex is what a one-night-stand is about, it's why there are hookers. On the other hand, it's impossible to have intimacy without agreement, trust, and respect between the parties. The reason so many of us are here has more to do with lack of intimacy than anything else. It is "love you but not IN love with you". It's why so many WS's need an OP. They have lost their trust, agreement and respect for us. It's key that we rebuild it.
LL is doing a fabulous job. Keep up the good work, and send me some of whatever you've started drinking
I don't disagree that LL is doing a great job. I guess we are dealing with semantics. Intimacy is a far cry from sex. I guess I made the assumption it was not just sex.
Hey, Just wanted to check in on you. Don't have much time to chat tonight, but will try to check in some time tomorrow. It sounds like you are still hanging in there. You're doing fine. I sure hope the best for you.
h now knows that i want him to express to me that he'd like me around even if i will be going out. so now he knows. LL
Hi Lost Love, if it is something that is bothering you and you want a change, you did the right thing setting down a boundry that is going to protect your feelings. That's what this dance is all about. I have had to set many boundries. When you think you have them all set another one crops up that needs to be attended to. Just my thoughts, Take care Loretta
h and i are becoming friends... he's pleasant when i call (which i usually don't) and when he calls he's funny, i get "what's up lady" and other fun things like that, i'm no longer the WIFE who he has to call i am the fun loving woman he wants to call. got a nice hug this am when h was leaving, we gotta start going to sleep earlier, up til 1am last night!!
things are going along smoothly. I think anyway, h just seems happy, is looking at me (eyes) staring, hugging me etc.. i often feel when he's like that he's waiting to say something but it just doesn't come, so i just stay quiet and eventually those words i want to hear will come for now i will take the embrace. LL
