Wow. Date is a very stressful word. Are you up to it? I would trade a date sitch with you, as you know my W and I are still in limbo.
So, take it slow. Think about the past months when H was away. It was crap, but you also found peace and grew yourself. Cherish this BF of yours, as you know it is someone you love (unlike in most other people dating someone with uncertain outcome). Enjoy his being around, but don't set too much expectations. You know what the best way is to attrack H back. With a lower expectation in mind and a whole new you, you will be pleasantly surprised each day.
Good luck with your date for the weekend. Hope to see some DB'ers from Boston area some time next week.
I have spent to much of thit "trying" stage worrying about the what if's. I am chosing to think possitively about the current sit. h is now spending time with me while he wasn't before, h is now calling me while he wasn't before, h is now laughing with me (well more than he was before) h is being affectionate while he wasn't before, h is now trying while he wasn't before, h is not talking to ow while he was before. h is now willing to go out with me ALONE while he wasn't before. h is now telling me about his day while he wasn't before. so if all goes well i will soon be able to say h is living here while he wasn't before and h and i are wearing our rings and are happy while we weren't before.
help me to point out the possitives when i am in a venting mood. i am doing my best at keeping my mouth shut and it seems to be working after all h can only deal with so much of my hurt the rest i must deal with on my own!!
I am looking forward to tonight!! it's been a while since h and i just went out the two of us, today i am going to get a hair cut for a much needed pma boost.
hope you all enjoy your weekend and find some possitives to focus on in your own sits. LL
don't know how i feel today, date was ok, sometimes it was fun and I felt like we were actually together and then other times I felt like we were just there. oh well..... h is outside with son cleaning up the leaves... I am going to church and maybe to a store just to get away, I will do my best to keep the mindframe that I can do this and be able to come home unlike last week. it will be hard though cause like last week h is going off to his buddies to watch the game only diff is the game is at 4 instead of 1 so he can hang around a bit to get stuff done.... but then it's off to be a child, I say that cause i know he will drink and then stay at his little "hole in the wall" appartment and not come home... starting to wonder if I even care... h is still unsure if he ever will come home.... instead of starting to leave some stuff here, he takes it all with him and actually took a shirt out of the closet (he didn't take his going out clothes just his work stuff when he "moved out") and it's now in his bag... that bothers me... it's like he's slowly moving out instead of slowly moving in...
whatever though.. I already know what it's like to not have him in MY life so if he leaves so be it... just wish he would make up his damn mind about what he wants. but maybe he never will and i will have to make up my mind if I want to live this way or not. LL
well I attempted to go to church after son came in the house whining (pouty crying) that he had to go potty, he took off his sneakers and told me he didn't like the big blower daddy was using to blow the leaves, h asked me when i would be back, I asked what time he wanted to leave he says 1, oh that's nice the game isn't till 4, he want's to go watch all the other games!!! so lets see, h was planning to do the yard work yesterday afternoon (wich would have worked better as kids and i weren't home) but instead he ran late!! oh gee why did he run late, hmmmmm because while he was out and about doing his work (?) [censored] he decided to stop and get a bite to eat with his buddie at the 99 and have a few beers!! which meant he didn't get here til after 6 so no yard work so that means that the time he is spending here today is spent doing yard work instead of playing with son and then when yard work is done instead of playing with son he's running off to watch football with the same buddie whom he see's and plays with every single day!!! what's wrong with this picture????? honestly I am annoyed with this crap!! he was doing a much better job at being a daddy when he wasn't "trying" to be my h. so maybe it's better if he's not my h. you know this buddie of his is a real pain in the ass, he called here at 9am and now just called again and probably called a few other times on h's cell while i wasn't paying attn. this is the buddie who got the tx to the superbowl and also the tx to the miami game, h also told me that he suggested they get drunk yesterday at lunch, I probably shouldn't complain about this buddie because maybe he will keep him away from ow, but it is really annoying to me!!!
what the hell is this life??????? h comes h goes h does pretty much whatever h wants to do. why during this "trying" time should I be on my best behaviour when h is not on his well if he is on his best behaviour then I guess maybe it's a case of that old song "if my best isn't good enough than how can it be good enough for two" well in this case there are three of us!!!
I would like a man who wants his family and puts them first, not a man who puts himself and his football first. h has not spent but one sunday with his kids since he started "trying" and that sunday was still spent watching football and other people were here with him to "help" entertain the kids. my life was better when h wasn't "trying" i had more freedom and h did more with the kids. not saying h has stopped being there for the kids but it does seem like in comming home h is getting his freedom back and i am loosing mine well on sundays at least.
in the infidelity section of dr, is says that the couple needs to spend "healing time" together, and though h and i are spending time together these sunday outings of his are not working for me, I understand that h wants to have a life and that football has always been and will always be a HUGE importance to him, BUT right now I just dont think it's very productive for him to be running off every sunday to watch GAMES with his buddie and leave his family sitting behind!!! it doesn't send a very good message to me and in turn i don't send a very good message to h. and honestly no matter what message i were to send h in regard to his football, h would still go and leave us!! pathetic thing is even if his team doesn't play football on sunday still comes before his family!!! I think the right thing to do if you want to watch the game with your buddie but want to try to be a family again would be to have buddie come to your house to watch the game, so sorry that we don't have that special channel that he has that gets you all the games, why don't you get it here, gee then you'd be happy cause you get to watch the game with your buddie and your w would be happy because you are still home with your family, that would be too easy though wouldn't it!!!!! LL
Sorry to hear about his conflicting signals. I guess that it just proved the theory that reconciliation is a two step forward, one step back process.
I know exactly how you feel sitting around feeling awkward. It makes it even harder for you with your little ones: You can't just take off and go somewhere. If there is anything you have done well, that is to vent your frustration here. You did a great job not to confront him and to gracefully give him time and space he needs to reconnect himself to reality of life, with needs of his W and kids.
Healing time is very important step DURING reconciliation, but not in the process during his decision to work on M. The way I read your description, his mind is still quite clouded; those healing activities you were expecting would just freak him out. On the other hand, you are actually on a positive spin here; he is going towards your direction, granted his mind has not been fully committed yet. So keep doing things focusing on yourself and for yourself and your little ones. He still needs time to play with his football buddies.
One other thought is that you may want to have a football tailgate at your house at some point. Maybe invite H's friends over and show how much support you have for him. This could give him some reassurance that he will still have those freedom even after his coming back, if that is so important in his life. Have you done things along this line of thought? It might be a good 180 for your R.
By the way, did he ever read Smalley's book about winning wife back? It referred to many analogies about football plays. Maybe somehow you can have someone else get him a copy?
Just my few pennies worth of thoughts and not too much of comforting. Anyway, hang in there and you are actually doing fine. Let's do something fun next weekend to get us off those negative thoughts. We deserve some good time ourselves!
h does know that he is still hurting me, last nigt while we were out he said "i know I hurt you and I know I'm still hurting you" i just looked at him and said still??? he said yes by not comming home i am still hurting you. h assured me (or tried to) that it is not that he is second guessing me it is himself that he is questioning, honestly i don't think it is about ow either, think it is about being responsible and being a h. he likes to work and watch football, work late if need be and not have to worry that someone is sitting at home getting boethered that he is still working. but h doesn't want to be alone either???? so what then to do,, I think i can give him the "freedoms" that he seeks as long as ( ok so it's a condition) I'm getting the things I need from him.
so i kinda just played with h, well not intentionally but what the hell, d in play pen, s watching tv, h takes me over to the other room and kisses me intending more, i kiss back but let him know not now.... h still tries i say no i'll leave you with some incentive to come back tonight... h thinks i'm playing with him.... am i?????? no i just would feel better about it if he were comming over tonight anyway not just getting some and then off to watch footbal and then to his appt. we (son and i) did get a maybe as far as whether or not he'd be back later. but as the song goes "it seems to me that maybe, pretty much means no" but then life is not a song is it???
ha ha ha no i'm not laughing at h, i am laughing at the whole sit!!!
not getting my hopes up or anything but h did just call to say hello and tell me to put the game on, a min to go til half time game tied at the 15.... i said oh so they'll miss it and then the next half (wich is common for them) he says no you never know they may get lucky, i say you never know you may get lucky... h says don't push it... i say push??? h says stop it... (all playfully mind you) talked a bit about the game... h said he'd call later????? to say goodnight from his appartment???? to tell me he's on his way???? i'd bet the goodnight one but one never knows. we'll see but i wont get my hopes up. LL
well h called at about 9 to ask if i saw the end of the game, said he was staying at friends to watch the later game.. still said he may come up but doesn't know... joked a bit about the earlier conversation and talked about the game...asked me to call him when i'm going to bed which i think will be soon, so maybe then i will have an answer my guess at this point is no as the appartment is probably 5 min from friends house and work in the am while i am 30 min from friends house and work in the am.... I'd make the drive but h is not me. LL
now h is toying with me.... still does not give me answer if he is comming over or not..... told him that is not fair tell me if you are or not.... says to assume he is not... so that is what i assume.... we'll see... I won't lie and say that i wont be dissapointed if he doesn't but i guess i'll just have to understand if he doesn't... but it might make me not "in the mood" tommorow night when he IS comming over. well i'm off to sleep and who knows maybe i'll wake with h next to me (if he knows whats best for him) LL
Lost love, I wouldn't be playing that game with him he's coming, he's not coming. I don't understand why he is doing that. I might say if this starts, no just go home give me a call and I will see you tomorrow. I know I have been here before. I may or maynot take the call when It comes in. I might let it go to machine and say in the morning. I must have fallen asleep. Or I was talking to someone and it got late and I didnt want to disturb you. At some point in time when H does call you from home what I did was had my H lie down on his bed get all relaxed and comfortable now undo your belt...... It went over very well. Just alittle excitement to keep the home fires burning. Just my thoughts, Take care Loretta
