Off the crazy train?

[trytoohard]

One step at a time like you have been doing....did you take stock in what has worked and what has not? Do you feel that you are reconnecting with him? Do you have a gut feeling that he may do this again if he feels that he is not getting his way or not liking the new you?

Just a few questions...but that's why you posted right?

What has worked: detachment, detachment and did I mention...DETACHMENT? Taking the high road and not contact OW or her H, not bashing him to the kids and insisting that they respect him, maintaining slight contact with his family, swallowing my pride and asking him to spend the holidays with us and having no expectations of anything but good family time, making our home welcoming for him, not initiating R talk but being willing to talk when he chose to open up, being as devoted a friend as he would let me, admitting my mistakes and my part in the demise of our marriage and apologizing for it and asking his forgiveness, staying in prayer and scripture study, not dating or complicating the divorce with another man, being more than fair in the divorce settlement and not trying to hurt him with unfair demands and GAL (lost some weight, spiffed up appearance, getting great counseling...all very attractive).

What did not: put up a profile on a dating website under looking for friends, ignoring his calls, putting any pressure on him with ILY's, or other guilt producing/pursuing behavior, snooping (I don't recommend getting a spare key, letting yourself into his house and going through his things), initiating conflict or fights of any kind, and telling the kids too much.

I feel that we are more connected now than we have been in many years. We have ML more in the last month than all of the last year we were together! We have been able to talk on a level that we have not been able to do since we were kids.

I don't feel like he will ever do something like this again unless I revert back to old behaviors. I am not taking responsiblity for his affair, just the priming of the pump if you will and see to it that he was ripe for it. I neglected him in alot of ways, and lost all respect for him. I am a different person so the possibility of things going back to the way they were are not possible. We are both afraid of that, hence the snails pace at this time. H is not into power struggles or hissy fits, he is generally a very reasonable man now that he is sober and is not into getting his way. He is passive aggresive however and I need to call him out on that behavior when I see it.

Biggest worry at this point is OW not letting him go. H knows he should no longer talk to her but she is demanding her stuff back which will have them in contact at least one more time and H works with her but is moving to a different building when he comes back from this trip. I gotta lotta learning, healing and trust buidling to do but I'm game!