Quoting lostlove: I forgot how quiet it is here at night, I guess h really has been around alot lately I forgot what the past six months of sitting at the puter with no noise in the house was like
A person gets used to being alone, but break the pattern even for just a short time, and you have to get used to it all over again (read that from a Richard Bach book--"Illusions," I think).
When separated but not divorced, you are effectively living the life of a "married person" minus the spouse. The house may be just the right size for the entire family, but without the spouse it's too damned big. And as long as he neither comes back outright or "files," that space remains.
The question then becomes, is there anything you can do to somehow "fill in" that space a bit? And how long are you willing to coexist with the "space" that remains?
I think filling that space that remains is a process... at the same time we heal the separation, we fill that space... at first, this space is fill with lot of cries, lonely feelings, memories... then this space can be fill with friends, a great book, movie, and our children...!!.. but is a long process... and we cant expect filling that space in a day, a month or maybe a year
I got used to h not being around, never totally liked it but accepted it. it is just now that we are trying and when he is here five nights out of seven actually with me, it makes those two harder on me than they were before. so when i am alone on those nights (which hopefully wont last to long) I need to remind myself that it is only two nights as opposed to the seven i was spending alone a little over a month ago, look at the possitive and get past the negative.
better days are ahead, I have full confidence that my h will come home to me if i only let him. LL
I wandered out of "Newcomers" territory to check in on you again. In some ways, having my H away is easier in that I know what to expect (he won't be here) and I only have to gear up my energy to see him a few times a week, usually briefly. I'm not saying I want it to stay this way, but for now it has it's benefits. As for being at home alone at night, it hasn't been as big an adjustment for me - he worked evening shift or late, or went out at least a few times a week, and when he was here, he wasn't eager to be in the same part of the house with me anyway. That hurt. I loved being with him. There I go drowning myself again - Sorry.
yes I know that feeling all to well, actually while we werent trying i liked the nights that h didn't come because then there was no waiting for him to get here, no discomfort and I could put the kids to bed when i wanted to. things have changed dramatically between h and i in the last year, i hope it is all real and not just some facade to keep the family together, he seems genuine so i'll take it that it is.
i was just out at the store, I don't carry my cell around with me as most people do , so when i got back to the car noticed that h had called, so that meant he called the house then the cell, and don't you know as i was bringing in the bags h called again at the house left a message wich i haven't listend to yet. interesting!!!! LL
If you go back thru Rachel's threads you'll understand that she's dealing with mega anxiety at times. One way she tries to find calmness is via Adrian.
Rachel has got to GET IT and grow.
It's not the sentence get control of herself and let Adrian go.
It's more like quit worrying about the man. Let him deal w his issues. It's ok to continue to love him but not the way his mom or his wife would, more like a friend who will laugh w him and not get into the serious stuff.
The control aspect of this is Rachel learning how to self-soothe. That is the key. To reach a point where she won't need the pills is a wonderful goal. One that she can attain once she stops worrying about the past.
The day Rachel takes control over her emotions will be a splendid day indeed!
I was given pills for my anxiety at the begining and said ta hell with that, had a spell of puking and passing out but finally realized I would be just fine w/out h. him gone I no longer had to worry whether or not he wanted me, no longer feel tense or wonder what was going on. seems when i took a step out of the sit and just accepted him as a person outside of myself, I felt better then noticed h not doing so well. hell there were times when I even had to comfort h in regard to the separation and d. especially at the thought of going to bil's wedding, h was concerned how we'd deal, I simply said hey look at it the way I'm looking at it, you'll be there, I'll be there, you do your thing I'll do mine, no big deal, think that event was harder on him than on me. I don't always say things in the right way. I know rachels anxiety I have read her thread, I know that alot of it is how I have felt at times over the past year. and possibly more so now that my h is trying to come home, without the anxiety. LL
Quoting lostlove: i was just out at the store, I don't carry my cell around with me as most people do , so when i got back to the car noticed that h had called, so that meant he called the house then the cell, and don't you know as i was bringing in the bags h called again at the house left a message wich i haven't listend to yet. interesting!!!!
Well LL, you sound much better. You've calmed a bit it seems. I hope I start to do that agian soon. I feel it coming, the calm after the storm of my emotions. God how I hate the way the are up and down, and around, and upside down, and backwards and forwards.
I think your right your sitch is better than it seems to you sometimes. I think mine is too. I think when we are in the thick of our sitchs, it's hard to see the positives.
My H is really a great person too. I would not have married a bad person. That's what makes it so hard for me sometimmes. The things that H has done and said are shocking to me. I NEVER imagined it. And sometimes I'm just at loss of how to deal.
I'm glad to hear your going out to Kareoke. I LOVE kareoke. Wish we were closer, I'd love to do that with you. But I do sing everywhere all the time. In my house, in the car, in the shower, wherever it strikes me. Singing makes me feel better!
Thanks for keeping up with me and offeing your advice. Now I just have to take it.
Anyway, you sound great. I think your H will be home before you know it. Keep up the PMA!
Hi, Ll, you do sound happier today. I like your line that you have full confidence that h will come home, if you let him!!How do you know when the right time is?? As my h has not left yet, but will be in a week or two, I guess I don' need to worry about that right now. Just wondered if we will know.Take care Sue
SI 