well h called at 7 30 this morning to say hello and goodmorning. guess it's no fun to wake in an empty appt alone. I at least get to wake to my children everyday whether h comes or not, I know he misses that, and honestly even though i am being difficult during the reconcile i know he misses waking to me as well. i will not be here when h comes tonight as i already had plans to go out and not just because he didn't come over last night. I had already told h i was going out and he seemed dissapointed, asked me to wake him when i get home.
i have realized something, when i married, i changed my life, because i moved 30+ min from my home to be with h, I stopped going out with my friends and stopped living my life, this put more pressure on h to be there for me and not live his own life, (what a drag) then we had son and I no longer worked putting more pressure on h, then we moved further away from my friends and family putting more pressure on my h, then i ask for second child (getting the idea here) so now we live 1 hr from my friends (my mom did move out here though) and I am at home with two kiddos. I have started to get a life out here and realized i can't depend on h to be my life. tonight i am driving the hour to go out with my friends. (thing is h would like me to be home with him, oh well i gotta have a life too)
many of h's old high school buddies who are all still in contact with eachother are all now married and live within 10 min of us now (they've moved up here too) some have kids and some don't but they are all still fun to be with and i get along with them as well (actually spent some time with one couple while h was out) so there is a good life here for h and i, if we let it be so. tonight i will enjoy my friends, sing a few songs and come home to a man who wants me to be around. I can do this, if i just let go of the past and start living today!! LL
