thanks for putting in the part about long term marriages not all containing cheaters. That was a rationalization of yours, OW, and it reeks of you being in denial about marriages. Why would that be? Let me make some generalizations far more objective than the ones you made about husbands and wives and marriages today. Ms. OW, you are in a very scary world. In your world no vows are kept except by accident. You know, cheating, or "IT" " happens". In your world, people have NO choices. They "FALL" in love the way they trip on a rock and no one can make a life with that much chance in a marriage. How do you even pick a career or take a job? Don't join the military b/c you might change your mind about what side to be on.....I am totally serious. What about the marriage vows? Meaning them at the moment is not good enough. People who live good lives do so out of consciously making good choices. Good choices are NEVER based just on what we want and guess what else? Good choices are never primarily based on what we want. They are always based on what is best for all concerned. That is where happiness lies for most people b/c most of us would not be happy knowing the path or ruin we created with selfish "me first" choices the way your boyfriend and you are. So, for you, the vows have to be meaningless since your dad did this to your mother, and it happened in your own (first) marriage too. Maybe to you it is more terrifying to believe that choice existed, b/c if it does, then you will feel more rejected than someone in your shoes must already feel like....I mean if your dad had a choice and did not HAVE to act on his attractions, then maybe he could and should have chosen to stay with your mom? I don't know their story but I know it doesn't apply to most of us.
You believe if you feel something it should be acted on, correct? What about anger? Sadness? What role does maturity have on this belief? Do you see how dangerous, selfish and juvenile it is?
This is sociopathic behavior that reflects a deep inner void. Note the marked lack of self awareness as if the actions or behaviors of yours have no affect on others. To you There is no such thing as a victim, except for people who want to be victims and or are weak and you call them "fools". You see nothing at all wrong in your behavior.
The irony, and this is a symptom, is that in your mind other people see the WIFE as the fool or the "Wrong" one, and not you or the husband. As a lawyer, I see this characteristic in many defendants. They will start by denying they did the crime and then the rest is probably something very familiar to you, if you are honest with yourself...and I don't think you are....but there's always a first time, maybe you'll feel brave...see if this sounds at all like what you do when you do something that "might not make you popular..." (that is your euphemism for when others call you on it)...
To Do List for sociopaths when caught: (Note: can apply to MLCers and OW)
1) deny you did it. 2) you had to do it, it was too tempting, 3) victim/owner deserved/caused it and thefore not wrong in your sitch. 3) what you did was not very significant, costly or that harmful. 4) others do it but don't admit it or get caught. 5) you were raised this way. 6) you say you are sorry. Isn't that enough?
Sleeping with a serial cheater who's wife still cares for him, when you know there are innocent children in the lurch, is simply wrong. Doesn't matter if your dad did it too. I am sorry your father was not faithful. My dad was faithful to my mom and he was brilliant and educated, but he was also a drunk. We are all flawed. But we break the cycles instead of saying that "it happens" and doing it too. My father's drinking hurt our family a lot. I love my dad but I'm not joining him in his drunkeness and alcoholism. Nor am I defending his drinking or claiming it's done all the time, with a flippant "it happens." Who are you kidding? Adultery and alcoholism hurt the crap out of families....Who better than you knows the damage your father's adultery did to your family?
Ms. OW, it has been awhile since I've been exposed to someone who thinks like this but still has her freedom. Please consider the distinct possibility that everyone here is not wrong about you. Entertain the concept of wrongdoing and apply it to you. Maybe deep down you know you are hurting others and your self esteem, your soul if you will, is nagging you with moral doubts....you can do better. And you can do much less harm. You can break the cycle and refuse to inflict on others any more pain. It isn't much to ask of yourself, not to hurt others. IF it seems like a lot to ask of yourself, then get help. And For the record OW, I work in a man's profession. I am not an ugly woman and although I have been tempted on occasion, to think about a good looking man who pays attention to me when my H was in a goofy period or absent...but I kept my vows and I would bet a lot that my H has kept his vows. 25 years of it. Oh wait, I MUST BE IN DENIAL like all the stupid wives and husbands here....did you even read what MEN say here? The good men here who are loyal and have not cheated and want their marriages to work...they exist. Your boyfriend is NOT the best apple in the barrel.
What does your mom say and how did it affect her? if she says it was no big deal, then look in her face and your own to talk of denial.
I think you need our prayers, but I am sorely tempted to just tell you that your behavior is evil. Wow, I am wordless now.
j-
They even mistake each other for the OW ! Yikes !!
