You are beating a dead horse, eh ? Please see newer sitch a few doors down.. titled " No attacks please..." This is like a frenzy of wackiness btw.. oye !
I was looking for your post but found this one instead. I will keep searching for your post or you can find me on my piecing page. Once I saw OW's complaints about her "BF" not leaving his wife and children fast enough for her, and God forbid, lying to HER??????!!!!!! I HAD to say something. Ended up posting the nicest version I had. OMG I was freaked out by this OW....It really truly reminds me of clients I had, and I had to keep a straight face when they told me how fine they were about what they did, or they were mad at the victims - "idiots" who left their doors UNlocked, asking to be burglarized, rape victims who "invited" it by dressing sexy, etc. I know some of them believed it and that has always disturbed me a lot. Your response to her I'm sure fell on deaf ears. But there is still value in calling it like it is when you see it. Why pretend it's acceptable or mainstream behavior when it isn't? I wish someone had told my father "a few drinks" does not mean drink until you pass out. He might be alive today if some adult had done that. Maybe in this woman's life there is no right and wrong. Who'd know? I am sure she she repeats the cliches of today's cheaters: "kids are resilient" and "WE" ie the grown ups, "need to discover our happiness" but I think the sentences should be reversed. Kids are the ones who need to discover themselves and we adults are the ones who can handle it with a bit of resilience. With adults like OW, what does our future hold? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
thanks for putting in the part about long term marriages not all containing cheaters.
I'd like to add that I've been married 21 years, am 41 and NEVER cheated on my husband. I'm very friendly and outgoing and considered very attractive so I've had plenty of opportunities, but I never came close to having one. If I had a "funny feeling" about a man being interested in me I would immediately avoid him and discontinue any friendliness beyond common curtesy.
Not only have I NEVER cheated on my husband, I avoided any serious relationship "entanglements" during my 6 months of divorce proceedings. Even through I made the transition into "single woman" and started looking amazing 24/7 and getting hit on constantly, I figured that until my marriage was completely legally dissolved, I would not become romantically involved with any men beyond a "friendship" level. I figured I wanted to be completely free and healed (work though all the hurt and baggage) before going into any relationships. Also, I was determined that if I did date again it would be with an honest, good, mentally healthy person. Truly, I'd rather be alone then be with someone who cheats, or has other addictions or problems. Why settle for less? I figured I'm now wiser so my standards should be much higher. Also, why add the drama? My husband's A and the D were enough.
I did meet some great guys while I was in divorce (even had a mental list of who I might consider dating when the divorce was final!!). But since it never went through that's all history. And I'm still a kind of "virgin" here. Only been with one man for over 20 years!!!
So... not everyone cheats.... and not everyone is willing to settle for "leftovers" or "fixer-uppers."
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
K, why lock it up? I want OW to think about what bad people tell themselves to keep up their self image, and then to realize it is the same thing she and the serial adulterer tell themselves.... yes, I know she isn't the brave type to read and consider it. But someone on the fence might. j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey Kristy and sol.. thanks for noticing that the OW posted a new thread.. that none of us want to take the time to respond to in some sort of understanding.. or kindness !
Well AmyC did but that was a week ago..This one is going to the glue factory !
thanks for putting in the part about long term marriages not all containing cheaters. That was a rationalization of yours, OW, and it reeks of you being in denial about marriages. Why would that be? Let me make some generalizations far more objective than the ones you made about husbands and wives and marriages today. Ms. OW, you are in a very scary world. In your world no vows are kept except by accident. You know, cheating, or "IT" " happens". In your world, people have NO choices. They "FALL" in love the way they trip on a rock and no one can make a life with that much chance in a marriage. How do you even pick a career or take a job? Don't join the military b/c you might change your mind about what side to be on.....I am totally serious. What about the marriage vows? Meaning them at the moment is not good enough. People who live good lives do so out of consciously making good choices. Good choices are NEVER based just on what we want and guess what else? Good choices are never primarily based on what we want. They are always based on what is best for all concerned. That is where happiness lies for most people b/c most of us would not be happy knowing the path or ruin we created with selfish "me first" choices the way your boyfriend and you are. So, for you, the vows have to be meaningless since your dad did this to your mother, and it happened in your own (first) marriage too. Maybe to you it is more terrifying to believe that choice existed, b/c if it does, then you will feel more rejected than someone in your shoes must already feel like....I mean if your dad had a choice and did not HAVE to act on his attractions, then maybe he could and should have chosen to stay with your mom? I don't know their story but I know it doesn't apply to most of us.
You believe if you feel something it should be acted on, correct? What about anger? Sadness? What role does maturity have on this belief? Do you see how dangerous, selfish and juvenile it is?
This is sociopathic behavior that reflects a deep inner void. Note the marked lack of self awareness as if the actions or behaviors of yours have no affect on others. To you There is no such thing as a victim, except for people who want to be victims and or are weak and you call them "fools". You see nothing at all wrong in your behavior.
The irony, and this is a symptom, is that in your mind other people see the WIFE as the fool or the "Wrong" one, and not you or the husband. As a lawyer, I see this characteristic in many defendants. They will start by denying they did the crime and then the rest is probably something very familiar to you, if you are honest with yourself...and I don't think you are....but there's always a first time, maybe you'll feel brave...see if this sounds at all like what you do when you do something that "might not make you popular..." (that is your euphemism for when others call you on it)...
To Do List for sociopaths when caught: (Note: can apply to MLCers and OW)
1) deny you did it. 2) you had to do it, it was too tempting, 3) victim/owner deserved/caused it and thefore not wrong in your sitch. 3) what you did was not very significant, costly or that harmful. 4) others do it but don't admit it or get caught. 5) you were raised this way. 6) you say you are sorry. Isn't that enough?
Sleeping with a serial cheater who's wife still cares for him, when you know there are innocent children in the lurch, is simply wrong. Doesn't matter if your dad did it too. I am sorry your father was not faithful. My dad was faithful to my mom and he was brilliant and educated, but he was also a drunk. We are all flawed. But we break the cycles instead of saying that "it happens" and doing it too. My father's drinking hurt our family a lot. I love my dad but I'm not joining him in his drunkeness and alcoholism. Nor am I defending his drinking or claiming it's done all the time, with a flippant "it happens." Who are you kidding? Adultery and alcoholism hurt the crap out of families....Who better than you knows the damage your father's adultery did to your family?
Ms. OW, it has been awhile since I've been exposed to someone who thinks like this but still has her freedom. Please consider the distinct possibility that everyone here is not wrong about you. Entertain the concept of wrongdoing and apply it to you. Maybe deep down you know you are hurting others and your self esteem, your soul if you will, is nagging you with moral doubts....you can do better. And you can do much less harm. You can break the cycle and refuse to inflict on others any more pain. It isn't much to ask of yourself, not to hurt others. IF it seems like a lot to ask of yourself, then get help. And For the record OW, I work in a man's profession. I am not an ugly woman and although I have been tempted on occasion, to think about a good looking man who pays attention to me when my H was in a goofy period or absent...but I kept my vows and I would bet a lot that my H has kept his vows. 25 years of it. Oh wait, I MUST BE IN DENIAL like all the stupid wives and husbands here....did you even read what MEN say here? The good men here who are loyal and have not cheated and want their marriages to work...they exist. Your boyfriend is NOT the best apple in the barrel.
What does your mom say and how did it affect her? if she says it was no big deal, then look in her face and your own to talk of denial.
I think you need our prayers, but I am sorely tempted to just tell you that your behavior is evil. Wow, I am wordless now.
j-
They even mistake each other for the OW ! Yikes !!
