Quote: Interesting...I really thought I've come across it all....
I guess I'm having a hard time wondering exactly what it is you are hoping to gain or learn by posting to these boards IOW. I mean, if there is some legitimate goal you hope to attain by posting on this site, then by all means, post away. And maybe I missed this in all your previous posts, but I can't quite grasp exactly what it is you hope to achieve here.
Yes, I think we are all pretty much aware that our respective marriages were in the toilet prior to the affair and yes, I don't think all the blame rests with the OP or with the cheating spouse. And I agree with you that, at some point, your boyfriend, as you call him, needs to get real with his wife and with you and figure this out.
But, as Ellie so wonderfully pointed out, there does seem to be a pattern to these things. The whole "affair" is built upon lies and deceit, either to wife or the other woman, or both, and to oneself. Its just the way it is...
So, please, if I missed your point or failed to catch what it is you exactly hope to gain here, remind me. We have a pretty good group of people here who are tolerant of differing opinions, but I doubt if they all need to have the whole affair thing rubbed in their noses in their cyber lives as well as their normal lives.
The reason I came here is written already, I'm not rewritting it again, it's too long and it's scattered through the posts. So go back and read, or not.
------------------- My father married OW --------------------
Can you say Freud?! (I'm a psychology student btw.) So your father married his OW and now you want this guy to marry you as YOU are HIS OW!
You're trying to heal some unconscious father loss/abandonment wound it seems to me. Go see a good therapist. No one in their right mind would tell you to continue seeing another woman's husband.
Adultery is morally wrong. And the person who helps another's spouse engage in adultery is an adulterer also.
I feel sorry for YOUR kids. If you don't see the detrimental effects of what you're doing to YOUR kids now, you'll see it in the future. If you have a son, he will sub-consciously form this idea that women are disposable or untrustworthy. Because of your H's affair and now your behavior. If you have a daughter, she might be doomed to seek married men. (They can be healed in therapy, but not if you continue your unhealthy way of living sending them the message that such behavior is OK. Remember as parents, we always pass on our unhealed wounds onto our children. It is a scientific fact!)
What about the tremendous sorrow you are causing to another human being and this family? It seems to me that you're a very childish and selfish woman who hasn't grown up or fully developed in a healthy manner yet.
People who are unhappy themselves engage in such ethically sketchy behavior.
You have zero compassion and are coming across as a sociopath frankly. A sociopath is someone who has no ability to FEEL the pain of another person or put themselves in another human being's shoes. (And how cleverly you've painted this man's W as a lunatic......good job, I hope it makes you feel less guilty.)
You must be a deeply hurt woman to cling to such deep delusions.
In psychology, nothing is accidental. You're on this board because deep down in your sub-conscious (or at the back of your consciousness), you KNOW that what you're doing is wrong. You wouldn't hang around here to hear such taunts and insults from us here on the forum. Go see a psychoanalyst, please. Being mentally healthy is hard work, but you can do it!
Find out WHY you NEED to be in this situation? What in your pscyhic baggage is MAKING you behave this way? You are obviously hurting and have been deeply hurt by your father and your first husband. And now you seem to have FOUND an opportunity to MAKE IT RIGHT.
You NEED THERAPY. NOW!
Good luck in your healing.
rainbowlove
PS: Read, We: The Psychology of Romantic Love by Robert Johnson. And wake up!
Quote: I don't believe anyone over 40 hasn't cheated on someone,
I'm 50, have been married for 22 years, and have never cheated on my husband. Have never kissed another man while married to my husband. Have never had an emotional affair while married to my husband. Have never looked at another man with lust in my heart while married to my husband. I love my husband, I am committed to my marriage, and I DON'T think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
Dear Rainbowlove, Bring this thread to your professor and he will tell you you to seek another profession. You can't accuarely say the things you said without asking a whole lot of questions. Student being the operative word. I was illustring a point that someone else made that it will never work. I know several men, and women, who have ended up with the person they left for, it doesn't mean I'm trying to emulate anyone. Thats the problem with psychology students, they think they can psychoanalyze everyone, yes everyone you meet has a personality disorder too. I never said my father abandoned me, I have a great relationship with my father...where did that come from? As far as my kids, they don't know their father cheated on me because I was SMART enough to keep adult business to the adults and not use my children agains their father,so again, you're wrong. I am not a married man-seeker. And while I chose to be honest with my children, MY CHILDREN ARE OLDER, they're not babies. I do have compassion, I do feel for everyone involved. Try reading. Please, go back to your books. I have a therapist actually, and she has yet to make your determinations, but nice try. I came to this board for the exact reason I stated before. I never said having an affair is "right" I said it happens and it's part of life. So please, don't misquote me, don'e psychoanalyze me, you're an Amateur and you should know that you need real information, and conversation and communication to come to any real conclusion about one's situation, not off the cuff comments from a bulletin board. Please...
But you still haven't explained to us why you are here on the boards. I've read your posts, but nothing in them seems to answer clearly why you are here.
Honestly, I have compassion for you. But you are clearly SEEKING something here. Something that your therapist is NOT giving you.
Like I said, nothing in psychology is accidental. And I stand by a lot of what I've said. Yes, I don't know you, but as people, we're not that different from one another.
You NEED something from the boards. WHAT IS IT? And don't give me scattered stuff like "he wont's stop lying to his W". Why are you with a liar then? Weird.
And boy are you antagonistic. Where is all this anger coming from?
And having a "good" relationship with you father doesn't mean that on some sub-conscious level you're still not hurt. Remember the sub-conscious is very powerful and all our conscious behavior is propelled by our sub-conscious.
Quote: But you still haven't explained to us why you are here on the boards. I've read your posts, but nothing in them seems to answer clearly why you are here.
In all fairness, so have I and I still have not seen OW articulate any concrete thing that see hopes to gain by posting here.
In my humble opinion, I believe it is her intention to incite the others on this board into some sort of angry repsonse, perhaps to get some sort of personal satisfaction in being a "troll" or maybe her "boyrfriend's" wife is a member of this community......
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
----------------------- As far as my kids, they don't know their father cheated on me because I was SMART enough to keep adult business to the adults and not use my children agains their father,so again, you're wrong. -----------------------
Just curious OW, WHY didn't you tell you kids about their father's affair? What would have been the harm? They would have hated their father? Umm...I wonder why??? Why would they hate their father? Could it be because adultery and cheating on their mother would be wrong?
Again, it seems to me that you're applying a different standard to your kids compared to the kids of this man you're seeing.
--------------- I am not a married man-seeker. ----------------
Really? You could have fooled us all dear! You're on a website antagonizing men and women trying to save their marriages as an OW.
Again, I fail to see what you're getting from this website.
Still stumped....
Also, the title of your post "He won't stop lying to his wife" sounds like a cry for help. It's not, "I won't stop this married man, you suckers!" which is how your posts come across. Again, I'm just responding to what you're writing here.
I don't have you psychoanalysed, god knows I don't have myself analyzed yet! I'm just asking questions and you seem to be evading the answers. Very cleverly, I might add. Very impressed.
Quote: But you still haven't explained to us why you are here on the boards. I've read your posts, but nothing in them seems to answer clearly why you are here.
In all fairness, so have I and I still have not seen OW articulate any concrete thing that see hopes to gain by posting here.
In my humble opinion, I believe it is her intention to incite the others on this board into some sort of angry repsonse, perhaps to get some sort of personal satisfaction in being a "troll" or maybe her "boyrfriend's" wife is a member of this community......
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
But you still haven't explained to us why you are here on the boards. I've read your posts, but nothing in them seems to answer clearly why you are here.
Honestly, I have compassion for you. But you are clearly SEEKING something here. Something that your therapist is NOT giving you.
Like I said, nothing in psychology is accidental. And I stand by a lot of what I've said. Yes, I don't know you, but as people, we're not that different from one another.
You NEED something from the boards. WHAT IS IT? And don't give me scattered stuff like "he wont's stop lying to his W". Why are you with a liar then? Weird.
And boy are you antagonistic. Where is all this anger coming from?
And having a "good" relationship with you father doesn't mean that on some sub-conscious level you're still not hurt. Remember the sub-conscious is very powerful and all our conscious behavior is propelled by our sub-conscious.
Good luck to you again.
Rainbow, I am here as I explained because, his wife insisted on trying this Divorce Busting before they divorce. I heard a few negative things about this book, so I decided to look into it. I read the book, some of it I agree with, some I don't. And I'm not even applying it to their situation, just in general. I believe this could be a good preventative book to avoid problems in relationships that might lead to divorce. But I don't agree with the 180, the in dark, or whatever that is, it's not genuine. As a psychology major, you might agree that people are what they are, they are years of their environment and history. You can't change that, and if that's what affects their behavior, you can't change what you are. the attept to "act" different, is just that, an act. I wanted to see what the mindset of the people were who read this book, that's all, and after reading quite a bit, decided to post. Which I'm sorry I did. THAT was what I was seeking. As far as being Antagonistic or angry, I've been attacked all morning by people who don't know me or my situation and honestly, I think I've handled myself quite well under the circumstances. My mistake was probably voicing my opinion. I have read about all the people whose spouses lie to them and I do have compassion, just like I do for her, and I don't think it's right to continue this game, but that is his choice. I read, he's still carrying on, he's hiding, deleting text messages, changing passwords, yeah, he is, it's NOT right. He thinks he's doing it for the right reasons, but lying is wrong no matter how you slice it. So that is my point, that was what I was looking for here. And I'm not saying my parent's divorce didn't hurt, but they were much better parents separately than they were together, it was the right thing for them to divorce. Sorry to have been so harsh, I"ve been attacked all day, my mistake was posting in the first place, I knew I wouldn't be popular but I wanted to speak my mind and but I didn't realize I was going to be attacked. Stupid me. So I apoligize, and I won't be posting. Since I started writing this, I see more criticism from you but I'm not going to address it. I will go to TOW website. I was not trying to antagonize anyone for trying to save their marriage, I thoughtI was clear about that. Does anyone remember Oprah and her The Horse is Dead...Get off. Sometimes you have to realize the horse is dead and get off it, because it's not going to take you anywhere. Not every marriage should be saved. Good luck to all of you.
I'm just asking questions and you seem to be evading the answers. Very cleverly, I might add. Very impressed.