I AM the OW....He won't stop lying to his wife

[MuddleThrough]

I don't agree with doing a 180 if it's not geninuine and if it's just to trick your spouse into coming back. The only change that's worth it is change that's permanent, and very few people can change their personalitlies.

180s are used to change behavior, not personality.

I read the book to see what tactics she was going to use on him, and I told him to read it himself so he could be prepared. I wanted to see what other people had to say, so I started reading the boards.

Interesting. You're afraid that he might be pursuaded? You're afraid your pull on him isn't strong enough to counter hers?

for saving a marriage if it can be saved, in fact I told him more times than I can count, if you think you can save your marriage, than go do it, god bless and stop seeing me. He doesn't believe it can be saved, and from what he has told me and what I have seen, and yes, I have seen, I don't think so either.

I notice you talking about marriage as if it's something in and of itself. What is really is is the interaction of two people. Their choices. If two people choose to work together, to be together, the marriage can be saved. It's convenient for your BF not to believe his marriage can be saved because it allows him an out without taking responsibility for his choices. It's his choice to believe that the future will be miserable with his wife because it justifies what he's doing. Ultimately, this logic WILL turn on you as well because the grass IS always greener. The only thing standing in the way of saving the relationship are his choices to believe what he wants to. Right now, you're the object of his wants, but that will change eventually too. Do you really want to objectify yourself in order to stay in his favor? He's objectifying you and you do the same to yourself by being in this position.

Some people have had success, others success only temporarily, others no success at all.

Yes, this is true, but it doesn't change the fact that any marriage CAN be saved (whether they should is debatable). If two people choose to work together to make something great, it can be done.