I said something funny?...or did you mean someone else?
I didn't know I was being funny...I should pay more attention to myself!
I'm heading up to bed but wanted to mention one thing before I go...
Quote: I think maybe I wasn't there enough for him, that I've given him too much space.
Is this why you FEAR going dark?
Sweetheart's love language is Quality Time. I'm a writer. I would go to work and come home and write...or do computer research. My extra time was always spent critiquing manuscripts, editing my own work, reading, more reading, more reading and doing research. Much of that has not changed.
Then while working full time I went back to school. I don't know that this increased my critiquing, reading, writing and research time...but Sweetheart assoicated all of it with school after a few years. He was so excited about the time we would be together after graduation...but bomb drop was only about four months later.
Through out probablyall of our years I worked and then came home and often holed up in the computer room for my writer's work. I brought manuscripts and books on camping trips. I have a favourite reading tree at our campground...he jet skiied and I read...and wrote.
At home while in the computer room he would be ont he couch and every few minutes he'd ssay "Where are you?" OR "What are you doing?" I would get so frustrated...hge's just asked and thus new very weel where I was and what I was doing...why did he kkeep asking?
And I feel so stuid about that now. My Sweethear felt neglected. He just wanted me to sit with him...and I was so busy I couldn't stop for...I mean I'd spend hours in here...and I worked a 40 hour week and had a 2-3 hour round triup commute. While in school I also went in a few hours early because I knew I wouldn't be bothered if I did my school work there before everyone arrived.
I have always been independent. I gave him space. And that was one of the first things I sought to change at bomb drop. I didn't take away space...we all need that. But I made an effort to spend time and do things with Sweetheart.
But going dark was alaso important...this was a man who WANTED to be with me and wanted to do things with me. My going dark didn't show him that I was neglectful still. I was straight forward with him regarding the reasons...
You see, he did have an OW and when he's not home, he is living at her house. I would not do activities...Buddy things with him when he was with her. And this was not firm...I always had to read the situation to sense what was needed. Sometimes he needed it and I was supposed to let him take a nibble of cake. Didn't like it...but sometimes you've got to play the game.
But when I sensed complete cake-eating I would cut him off...and I told him why. He was abusing (mentally) two woman--me and OW. This was not appropriate and I was not going to condone it by enabling the behaviour. I also told him it was to protect my heart...but I tried not to use that as an excuse...I only used it to the degree it was true.
Go Dark.
There isn't something that makes or breaks a situation. So you can test it. But I warn you...you may receive a reaction that you don't like and interpet it as a sign Going Dark isn't working...sometimes a technique works, but the intial appearance seems negative...anger, or he seems to like it...or something else.
Try it rather than making an assumption...and try it for three weeks minimum...to several months.
I say three weeks because Sweetheart's cycle was 2-3 weeks. He would move and try (not har) to contact me for 2-3 weeks. Then the calls would start...trying to see me and spend time iwth me....and sometimes he skipped the 2-3 week distant phase. But he didn't seem able to go more than three weeks. The other cycle was three months...he'd move out for three months...dark for three weeks and move him after three months...out three months later.
What this means is I would go dark knowing that he might try to match me in an I'll show her attitude. But I always won that staring contest. I knew his cycle and knew I wouldn't have to wait longer than three weeks. Sure it was frustrating and there'd be times you'd wonder if suddenly it would be different this time. But he stayed pretty consistent in it.
Be like an Oak...flexible AND firm. So don't be so stubborn that you won't negotiate, but do not fear anger or the silence of darkness. He needs this time.
And remember this isn't about how things were in reality, but rather about how he felt they were. Maybe you gave him space...but how did he feel? Or maybe you switched after things got bad...he may not have felt smothered before, but he may now.
And sacrifice something...let him go because HE NEEDS IT. He has some demons that he MUST face for his won well being. This risk is that maybe he won't come back to you. The benefit is that if he does, you can make things better than was possible had he not gone through this.
It's like a parent's worst nightmare. Your child needs surgery for a noraml and happy life. It is dangerous surgery and he may die. He may or may not survive without the surgery also...but will have a poor quality of life. So eother choice has the possiblity of death and only one choice has the possibility of an improved life. But do you take the risk...doing nothing somehow seems less risky since you can choose that option by being indecisive.
Your husband can go into the MLC tunnel and stay in their as a zombie. You can help him stay in their thruogh your behaviour...or he can get stuck their no matter how well you DB. But you can choose to let him go through this crisis and understand that if he is does make it out he can become a better person than was previously possible...BETTER. But you risk losing him to the zombie tunnel. What will you choose? You can hold onto the crumbs you have...some spouses put a gun to their WAH's head guilting a return. That is dooming him to a stangant life without growth...and filled with resentment.
I'm not saying you are doing that. What I masaying is that for him to be 'saved,' you need to let him go. It takes a lot of Faith. But trust that this is one of those places where the only footprints left behind will be God's as He carries your MLCer through this crisis.
