Oh shoot. I went out for a little bit and when I came back he was here. He took more than he said he was going to. Whatever on that. I was going to go out again anyway, but before I could he said "can't you just go get some coffee or something". So I left and took went to take care of something else. I called to see if he was still here. But he was taking things out the side, so doorman hadn't seen him and I didn't realize when I called back to find out if he'd left yet.
He was still here when I came back. I just dont' trust anything he says now as far as his plans, so there's no point in asking. I don't even believe he's living where he says. I'm sure he's in some sort of legal protection mode. Though he acts like he's got nothing to protect. He kept asking so what are we doing. I said I'm not ready to decide right now... something like I know things can't stay the way they are. He just kept pushing it, asked if I was talking to anyone (lawyer) and I said something about having work to do. I guess he was trying to make me cry or fight. And he said I was playing mind games, and that it wasn't right I was holding him hostage? And again that I'm being passive-aggressive??? Playing mind games??? I said well now I know what your're (he's) doing cause I wouldn't have thought of that. II feel physically ill and sick to my stomach. Somebody is feeding him some psychological crap about where I'm at. I'm sure he's getting lots of leave his unhappiness support from whoever he's talking to like our divorced neighbors and all his divorced friends or the OW.
It just didn't go well at all. Worse than the day he packed the boxes. He's just so hard and feels like a stab in the heart.
Oh God I feel so awful. I wish I'd just stayed away. I can't stop him anyway. I miss him, our love, our marriage. I'm working on my mustard seed of faith right now. TYping with my eyes closed. So I hope you'll forgive the spelling errors.
Please post, please, I need you here, somebody.
I'm going to go back to work now cause I have a deadline. I'm going to have to fill my evening with gym, and a movie or something.Cause I can't take the ache. But back to work now.
