Do NOTHING if you are there. Absolutely no helping him, and even more absolutely NO relationship conversation.
But even better...leave. Do NOT NOT NOT be there. You've been ASS-U-MEing going dark won't work. The worl is littered with divorced people who thought they should beg and plead, talk about their relationship, pressure and guilt, be angry, appeal to the love you had, be friends etc.
Tell us why you think he is MLC? Not merely ages, but also behaviour. Since you are on an MLC forum, I will respond as though he is a known MLCer.
MLCers project the fears they have for themselves onto others...primarily their spouse. MLCers are notoriously passive aggressive...so of course he will accuse you of being PA. He is trying to separate or divorce you and you aren't cooperating...your whiny baby is not getting his way, so he's going to say and do things to show you that his way is the way to go. He will try to hurt you through accusations and/or try to anger you. He can then further justify wanting out and get you to your breaking point of giving up.
Right now, you're inside the tornado with him spinning. Step out where you can see the tornado AND the motivations for the odd behaviours. It's much easier to not react when you get IT and stop spinning.
If you don't want a divorce...then do nothing other than everything you can legally do to make it difficult and prevent it. I wanted to say 'fight' it. But only the metaphorical fight...
I contested and Sweetheart called me vindictive...and the only reason he gave was that I was contesting. He had NOTHING to accuse me of, so he went to the absurd. I told him "I'm sorry you feel that way." And "That's too bad."
Sweetheart was tryng to do something against my moral principles and I told him not only would I not help him in the process, I would also do everything within my power to block that process...to stop it from happening...while staying within the law.
"I don not believe in divorce and I am not going to help you commmit an immoral act."
What that did was give a justification for my legal action of contesting that he couldn't get around. He couldn't use that and accuse me of being vindictive AND believe his accusation. I stayed firm and repeated that phrase on several occasions so he saw my consistency.
Validate his FEELING. But validation is not agreement.
Now the next step for you is to get back your power. You are allowing him to threaten you. He knows what you want and is threatening to take it away if you don't cooperate. Friends do not commit immoral acts against one another, friends do not divorce each other when one party doesn't want a divorce...without working on the marriage first. Don't accept his measly crumb offer of friendship and nothing else.
Take back your power and hold the exact same thing over HIM. This is difficult and you have to read your specific situation to judge whether you should do it or not. Sweetheart was always trying to do things with me and wanted to be my friend. I told him "I am not your friend right now and I will ONLY be your friend within a marital contact. I am your wife, when you treat me with the appropriate respect of that position, we will be friends."
DB'ing advice is often to act as if, be friendly and be his friend...reconciliation starts with friendship. Yes, act friendly...that means act happy and as though you have a life without him...you personally are doing well. Reconciliation does start with friendship...so when you are reconciling you can do that.
I have a friend who doesn't post here very often...never lately. But we speak on the phone. She andher husband are very friendly with each toher. they joke all the time and are always having family activities. They are even going to counseling...though we're not sure he gets that it is marriage counseling. Right now he is content with how things are going...he has his OW, his own apartment and a great relationship with his wife. She dotes on him when he's around, laughs with him, cooks dinner, goes to the movies...not dates, but with the two kids. I asked her about this and she mentioned that the books talk about being his friend. This shows him she is fun to be with and allows him to see her positive changes. YES, very true.
But if he's satisified with that, take it away so he misses her. Le him find out what it is like without YOU. Give him time, PLENTY of time, to miss you. It is okay to let him know you are upset--not satisified or disapproving of the situation. You can be those things without being angry or clingy.
I don't know if you se yourself as clingy or not. But his offer of a crumb of frinedship shows me that he probably feels you are clinging and this will get you off his backl. He's going to take away your last crumb if you don't give him what he wants...that means he has the power.
Turn the tables and tell him you not only don't want the crumb, but you won't accept it and that you REFUSE to be friends with him...not if he divorces you, because that feels vindicitve...it's a punshment. "I am not [use present tense here] your friend outside of a marital context."
Quote: He can’t or won’t even tell me what is so critical about “the way we relate”
What male can...relating is female verbage. And if he's MLC, he's not at the top of that problem, so get off the ladder. If he's MLC though your marriage wasn't perfect, it wasn't the problem. Though you aren't and weren't perfect, you did nothing wrong. This is not about you, it is about him and going dark will give him space to deal with his demons.
And for awhile at least, he may appreciate it if you go dark. He doesn't feel he has breathing room. He is busy trying to control you to do what he thinks he wants. If he feels he is forcing something from you...such as space because you are clinging, do you think that is going to be a positive memory for a return later?
No. MLCers are often relieved AND angry when the LBS goes dark.
Why do you think going dark won't work...because he will get angry, or because he will like it? Both have benefits. You are not his beck-and-call-girl and MLCers want the wife at their disposal--ironic term huh? He may get angry...so what...that merely shows you that it's working...he wanted you available. So don't cave to the anger...and show him where to find YOUR power.
So what if he doesn't get angry, but likes the dark. WHEW. That can be better for his growth. He is relieved at the space...and this shows that he probably did feel smothered by your clinging. This man is not able to focus on himself right now because he's too busy fighting you.
Yes, contest the separtion and/or divorce. Do this ONLY through legal action...refer him to the lawyers and blame the lawyers...do not discuss the legal case...say it is on your lawyers orders. And if you don't have separate lawyers...go get your own lawyer. I didn't have a lot of money...but my marriage was worth it.
Now during th Dark...Get A Life. Whatever sort you want. For me that didn't involve going to parties and bars or much socializing. GAL is finding a life you enjoy...whether that is inside the house reading or away from home with friends. Mine was about reading--which was the same as my previously life, but I added Spiritual Development classes. My reading was also different. I read about MLC, Depression, Astrology, Hypnosis, Spirituality, Meditation, Alternative Healing...such as Reiki, Recovering from Infidelity...I immersed myself as student because I enjoyed it...thus it may have seemed boring to others, but it was GAL for me AND because it was benefical to helping my marriage. I learned about why my MLCer acts and says due to his Depression and the nature of MLC.
Find a hobby or five. And don't omit it because your MLCer wouldn't like it...though consider hobbies you would both enjoy...him doing or reaping from the benefits...ie you can paint and he benefits from their display.
You need to grow also, and the DARK is fertile ground for growth.
Yu act and love hi and be his friend by leting go. Tha tis what a true dfrined would do. Be his True Friend, not his Buddy. Buddies come with no attachments, no commitments...and will not help you in a bind...Buddies will discard each other when things are difficult or one needs something...even something minimal. True Friends can do Buddy things together, but thre is an understanding of commitment. Buddy has no emotional attachment.
Let him go. Be gone tomorrow. No where to go? Go to the library...don't tell him where you went...you were busy, had plans etc. You can do this, and it will be easier if you let him go so that each of you may find/discover yourselves.
