WAH left 18 months ago now. I've been trying to GAL. But I must admit, I haven't gone to dark for long. I don't think “going dark” will work with my H. But I think I really blew it by requesting he try to keep an open mind about us. I said something to the effect that maybe whatever he thought was wrong, maybe it isn’t us, maybe it is, but maybe it isn’t. I mentioned about something he wrote on a valentine card a few years back. In his own hand! Was he lying? He said no. I said well how did we get here?, what happened? I want to understand.
I probably shouldn’t have tried to logic it. Feelings don’t logic.
He came an packed up some of his personal belongings (his family photos, and previous to our over a decade M photos, things he's written and favorite books those kinds of things). These things are him, and looking at them and there still being here was.. well they are the kinds of things a person always keeps. He asked me about what DVDs I want. That was nice of him I suppose, but I don't give a hoot about any thing like that. Or any things, it's my H I have missed all these months. Laughing, having the same thought or joke or word come to mind in a situation. I don't know what the heck happened to us. He bought all these things and then complained about the stuff around. I look at his old photos, and things that he collected and likes/liked they are him. He told me he'd come get them later in the week, later is tomorrow. It seemed as long as they were here there was some hope.
I need to know WHAT to do tomorrow. I just have such dread. Please some suggestions on how to handle this.
He says I’m being “passive-aggressive” because I don’t’ want to sign the separation papers he wrote up. He’s telling me what I have to do so we can get a D(cause he doesn’t have grounds). But I don’t want this. So instead of realizing that I want to weather this storm and help him get to a place, to find happiness again, he thinks I’m not moving on out of vindictiveness? Being passive-aggressive? Ouch, ouch, ouch. Who is this man; there must be OW somewhere.
I’ve written, well started, a letter a million times and I’ve been frozen in fear that it will make or break, so I haven’t finished or sent. I should finish it at least for myself. It’s like he’s got some crazy idea about what I think is important, rather than what I love about him. Or maybe he doesn’t, he wants more? than love (cash and prizes) and it's not good enough that I love him for what used to be his sense of humor and what he enjoys, and his jokes, and putting out my vitamins in the morning… I guess that’s not good enough. He can’t or won’t even tell me what is so critical about “the way we relate” and I wish I could figure it out. I’m so tired of this heartache. I think I need to speed-read DR again tonight.
I don't know if I should be here or not or, WHAT? He wants a D, but he has no grounds so if I won't agree to legal sep, or if I don't file on grounds of abandonment, it’ll just be worse, he says he won't be friends. But I don’t want this, I don't want him to have to move, but he doesnt' want to be friends unless I do it his way. So how do I be his friend here?
No children, so I guess in his mind, he's just not happy with me and no reason to stay and he doesn’t' have anything (or at least he says he doesn’t) so I get the apt. And that's it. So much for vows.
I'm beginning to feel like the frog in Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth". That is… if you put a frog in boiling water. It will jump out right away, but if you put it in cold water and slowly heat the water up to boiling the frog is cooked.
Well at least I’m GAL, I played scrabble last night with new people.
So please tell me, what do I do tomorrow? How do I act. How do I love this man? How do I be his friend? I need some perspective.
