well chuck I also wish i could share a good experience but i cannot, when h arrived i still did not know where we stood, after the kids went to bed I still did not know where we stood, finally when i sat down at the fire place h says sorry for the way things went yesterday bla bla bla I know your looking for reasurances and I'm not giving them, how can i reasure you when i'm not reasured myself, (he still doesn't know if THIS is what he wants) I am tired of waiting to see if he will come home, i am tired of the testing and the games, i said i feel like i am being used and h got all mad and defensive, i tried to explain that i was describing MY FEELINGS sorry to have chosen a word that he didn't like.
h does not know what he wants and I am tired of waiting for him to figure it out, just this past fri i told him i have a lawyers name and i'd call myself, he saw the card on sat and said nothing about it, last night i told him i would call as i feel that is what he wants and i don't want to keep him. he said nothing. i went to bed and left him on the couch watching of course football, i woke a midnight from horrid dreams of him and others telling me i am crasy and trying to admit me. i then went down and woke him, he then came up to bed but did not cuddle me as he has been. this morning i woke to baby crying, brought her into bed and h had all smiles for her but still ignored me, i told him i'd call this week, he still said nothing. h started his truck, son woke, h still ignore me, i tell him i will call this afternoon or tommorow unless he says otherwise, this will not go away if ignored i will take his ingnoring it as it being what he wants, h still says nothing but puts tea bag in mug for me. (?) h left after kissing kids. he does not seem well, let out a few sighs but really what am i to do, i cannot live this way anymore it is not healthy.

h claims that he is trying to get comfortable here, get comfortable with me, how many people that are not comfortable with eachother sleep in the same bed cuddled, have sex, cuddle on the couch hug etc?????? is this man looking to get comfortable? or is he waiting for some bells and whistles to go off??
me, I think out loud i don't hold things in and wait till i've figured it all out on my own, h obviously doesn't do that as he just one day spoke and walked out.

I don't believe it is about ow, she is part of it yes but it is more about h, he never grew up, he was not ready to be married and maybe he just isn't the type.
he wants to live his life his way and to consider others in that life just doesn't seem pleasing to him.
so I assume I will hear nothing about it as usual so this week i will call the lawyer meet with him and get the needed paperwork. if it is not what h wants then he'd better speak up you know "speak now or forever hold your peace" I've had enough, so go ahead tell me I was wrong to say this, tell me I'm not giving him a chance tell me i should live in hell like rachel has. tell me I should have just taken his appology and gone to bed alone. tell me I am crazy like everyone did in my dreams. in my dream h laughed at me said "your [censored] nuts, your crasy, why do you have to anylize everything" well you know what he's right, why do I have to anilyze everything who knows I do it everywhere with everything and everybody not just in relation to me. maybe that is why i studied human services and counseling to give me something to anilyze, just not working right now can't anilyze much when you sit at home with two babbies and a man who isn't sure if he wants to be with you.
LL