I guess one way to look at it is to look for real quality time. Both you and H need some space. Make every encounter a good experience for both of you; so don't engage too much too often. Take it slowly; maybe give it once or twice a week real quality time. That would be a lot of positive reinforcement. As you said, it takes many many postitive experience to put you two back together. That would take time.
The anxiety would be understandably high, but I am sure you can achieve what you want. It just takes longer than we all hoped for. Hang in there and hope you could share with us the good experience you had by the time you see this post.
well chuck I also wish i could share a good experience but i cannot, when h arrived i still did not know where we stood, after the kids went to bed I still did not know where we stood, finally when i sat down at the fire place h says sorry for the way things went yesterday bla bla bla I know your looking for reasurances and I'm not giving them, how can i reasure you when i'm not reasured myself, (he still doesn't know if THIS is what he wants) I am tired of waiting to see if he will come home, i am tired of the testing and the games, i said i feel like i am being used and h got all mad and defensive, i tried to explain that i was describing MY FEELINGS sorry to have chosen a word that he didn't like. h does not know what he wants and I am tired of waiting for him to figure it out, just this past fri i told him i have a lawyers name and i'd call myself, he saw the card on sat and said nothing about it, last night i told him i would call as i feel that is what he wants and i don't want to keep him. he said nothing. i went to bed and left him on the couch watching of course football, i woke a midnight from horrid dreams of him and others telling me i am crasy and trying to admit me. i then went down and woke him, he then came up to bed but did not cuddle me as he has been. this morning i woke to baby crying, brought her into bed and h had all smiles for her but still ignored me, i told him i'd call this week, he still said nothing. h started his truck, son woke, h still ignore me, i tell him i will call this afternoon or tommorow unless he says otherwise, this will not go away if ignored i will take his ingnoring it as it being what he wants, h still says nothing but puts tea bag in mug for me. (?) h left after kissing kids. he does not seem well, let out a few sighs but really what am i to do, i cannot live this way anymore it is not healthy.
h claims that he is trying to get comfortable here, get comfortable with me, how many people that are not comfortable with eachother sleep in the same bed cuddled, have sex, cuddle on the couch hug etc?????? is this man looking to get comfortable? or is he waiting for some bells and whistles to go off?? me, I think out loud i don't hold things in and wait till i've figured it all out on my own, h obviously doesn't do that as he just one day spoke and walked out.
I don't believe it is about ow, she is part of it yes but it is more about h, he never grew up, he was not ready to be married and maybe he just isn't the type. he wants to live his life his way and to consider others in that life just doesn't seem pleasing to him. so I assume I will hear nothing about it as usual so this week i will call the lawyer meet with him and get the needed paperwork. if it is not what h wants then he'd better speak up you know "speak now or forever hold your peace" I've had enough, so go ahead tell me I was wrong to say this, tell me I'm not giving him a chance tell me i should live in hell like rachel has. tell me I should have just taken his appology and gone to bed alone. tell me I am crazy like everyone did in my dreams. in my dream h laughed at me said "your [censored] nuts, your crasy, why do you have to anylize everything" well you know what he's right, why do I have to anilyze everything who knows I do it everywhere with everything and everybody not just in relation to me. maybe that is why i studied human services and counseling to give me something to anilyze, just not working right now can't anilyze much when you sit at home with two babbies and a man who isn't sure if he wants to be with you. LL
LL: i agree with you we cant be dealing with that "not sure" behavior from them... but beleive me, they can maintain that feeling for a long long time...!!... He can maintain that game, you saying him you will call a lawyer, he doing anything or saying anything about this... So... You have two options.. one is calling the lawyer... Two is not mentioning again that lawyer issue if you arent decide of doing this... because this actitude of us doesnt cause great effect on them... and basically on us... Bc if you doesnt feel the strenght to call the lawyer, you will feel sad bc your lack of strong...!! I had learned to say only what i am dispose to do... I dont know if you understand my words, bc im spanish and i write only a little english... but that forward and back actitude from us doesnt work right to you and the R
thanks andrea, I know you are hurting a great deal these days, I have read your thread and I feel for you but don't have much to say in regard to your sit.
well i don't know folks seems like when i push him away he is caring, he just called while i was in the middle of another post that seems to be irrelevant.
he called to ask about my dream because last night when i woke him and told him about it he was half asleep, he assured me that it was only a dream that he doesn't think i'm crazy and certainly would not laugh at me, the other part of my dream was that he wasn't making me feel safe in a threatening sit. that he understood as well and knows that it is not all dream. he is trying I am just afraid and should learn to accept that just as I am scared he too is scared. how can i expect him to know what the future holds when i myself do not know. so today i am going to the aquarium with the kids and a gf who is currently laid off (love when she's laid off) h asked me to keep my cell with me and he'd call me during the day. why am I not allowing things to progress, what am i so afraid of???? LL who is being tackled by a three year old! gotta run, bash me comfort me give me advice, Z love your thoughts keep them comming!! please!! I'm trying!
LL: Im glad your h called you... i dont beleive he didnt hear you yesterday night, but i do know that he thinks better and decide you deserve an asnwer for that episode...!!... In my h things goes like this a lot of time... he show me no interest at the moment, sometimes not acceptance, and then by actions, show me he had hear or understand what i had said...!!... Remember, guys are more action than verbal oriented...!!... About my situation, i feel better today... i am thinking a lot about myself... maybe i need to work more about being less dependent on my h mood, behavior, words, etc... bc sometimes i feel i put more importance to many things that can be pass and talk later...!!... i dont know... today is my sons birthday, so i will enjoy with him his day... my h also reschedulle his day to be at home early to blow up the candles... yesterday he was more comunicative, less bad mood, and also he called me to my cell phone just to know how were children and i... LL... keep doing what you are doing, bc you are doing it great... beleive me, they dont need too much time to realize their fantasy world isnt as greener as they think in their turmoil...!!... I guess my fault was to accept him again at home without too much conditions, like going to C and other R issue... but the mistake is just done
Thanks for your clarification of ideas on Jim's thread. Men are all alike, aren't they...?
Sounds like you are getting an ultimatum out. I guess I would still advise patience. If you still want your H back, getting lawyer and get the process started may serve a wake-up call, but it is also a risky strategy: he would never be back. Just like you said, your H has some immaturity in his personality (men all do), it does take a while for him to grow. So unless D is what you can accept, I would say slow down.
On the other hand, may I also suggest that you try to be away for a while? Maybe go to your parents' or some friends' house a little far away for a week or a few days, without stating how long you are going to be back. Enjoy yourself with kids. Get H some reality dosage of really not having you. That might be a safer strategy.
Just a thought of $0.02.
Good luck and hang in there. You are a strong person and you can achieve your goal in life, regardless the amount of time and effort it involves.
ll, seems i made others angry when i shared my experience on your thread about my h's lying. if i caused you any more pain or stress i am sincerely sorry. i have learned a lesson, i will only post my experience on my own thread. the point i made after sharing was that it really doesn't matter if someone has an ea, a pa, or anything that detracts from the primary relationship of h and w. any issue that comes between a couple that creates distance is not good for the marraige and causes pain. i wish i could say something that would make this less painful for you. lisa
thanks all, I know no two sits are alike any more than any two people are alike. h is trying yes he does have to grow a bit and honestly so do i, I have to let go of my parents r and realize that like on this board no two stories are the same no matter how similar they seem.
I have heard many tales of the whats and why's of how my r with my h ended up at this place, from us being together from such a young age, from his business absorbing him, peole have assumed mlc on his part, the children, some go so far as to say that I have surpassed him intilectually and he couldn't keep up so stayed in the simple life, hey that is even something my c thinks but then again the people who think that never met h. there are many reasons why the r has ended up at this point, it is not one factor but many, can they be overcome, time will tell, tonight i will keep my mouth shut about the r and just be.
as far as getting away, no need to take the kids to my mothers, and no need to keep them from h, h has already let me know I can take a vaca as he went to superbowl last year and just went to miami last month, I think i will take advantage of our time share and airline miles and sit on the beach in aruba for a few days while he tends to the kids, just have to wait for work to slow down. h is trying now I just have to take some time out and let him try. LL
I don't know what to think, h came last night got here late about 8 he's busy with work (?) he brought the dump truck again so I kept son awake (at h's request) so he could help him dump the rocks (we are widening the drive way) h then came in, played with son for a bit, i then took son up to bed and h looked for something to eat. h had let me know he'd be tired but would like for me to be around. so we sat and watched a bit of tv, talked a little (about other people his parents etc) cuddled on the couch but were starting to fall asleep so went up to bed. once again I was spooned. this am things seemed a little better don't know if h plans to come over tonight guess i'll find out when he calls later. LL
