all I know of ow, is she is married with two kids and has terminal cancer, she has a habit of hanging out with guys as she used to go out drinking with bil leaving her h at home with the kids, she speaks monotone, thinks her h doesn't love her, seems needy but of course can hide that when being given the attn of a man even if he's married to someone else, she may be blond, is def short, who knows who cares, all I know is she is a selfish little bitch and my h is "in love" with her. and she is leaving her h, not just because of my h but because she's wanted to for a while and then my h came along and gave her someone to leave with, she apparently still plans to go through with her d regardless.
I have seen many threads that seem similar the thing is most are not being lied to or have not been lied to in the same fashion that I have. no-one else here has a h who had an ea then left them to be with that person and still claims it to just be an ea. the only way sits seem to be similar is that we all are being hurt in one fashion or another.
right now I do not know where I stand with h, will he come home wont he???? does he want me or is he "trying" to want me???? I'm tired of all the uncertainty, get in or get out!! it's been long enough, I'm tired and I don't want to play anymore. I save most of the nasty day to day thoughts for a thread I have over in newcommers, there you can see why I am so down today. I am tired of being an obligation, I don't want nor do I need any favors. I deserve love and respect and right now I don't feel either from h. LL
he spent some time with her before we were married, then stayed away from her then wanted that feeling again so started to hang out with her again, they have been "friends" for the past 2 1/2 years I did not know this until last year when he was seen by a friend of mine in a hospital elevator with her, then he told of the friendship three months later moved out and now a year later here we are again. I don't recall when she got cancer perhaps the summer before last while I was preg, I think I recall fil telling me so (she is a customer of h's and fil works for h) don't know what she has but her story is that if they don't find a cure she has 7-15 years. (yeah what a crock I spoke to a cancer nurse and she found that odd as does everyone I know who works in the med field or has a brain, that just isn't a time line they give) the r was all during the day, he'd stop by her home a few times a week, and they'd talk on the phone everyday and they went out to lunch as well, she does day care (though I assume not everyday how did she go out to lunch?) anyway isn't about her sorry ass, is about the fact that my h thinks she's something special. I'm tired and I don't want to play anymore, I've been waiting a long time for h to be my friend, he was always to busy with work or football and then got to busy with ow. I am tired and I don't want to wait any more. LL
ll, you sound very much at the end of your rope. i have a very hard time believing an ea would stay just that for that long. my h had a "friend" too. after the fact, i found out it had been a pa for 6 monthes(not consecutive, off and on). then he had another "friend" that he swore was just a friend, wasn't like that...blah blah blah. he left me for her for 3 monthes. maybe your h really can keep it in his pants, but mine sure could not. it seems it may be true because even the ow says so and surely she would tell you if it were a pa, if only to tick you off enough to let your h go. also she said she wanted to D her h anyway.
i guess that really isn't the point, it's how your h is unavailable for your needs. i think my h uses sex as a way to communicate his love for me. we started being intimate again for a while before he was able to express himself verbally. your h may just need time. he may think that the sex is his way of saying he loves you.
we have been back together 8 monthes and things are very different now than in the beginning. please hang in there. your h has a lot of personal growth to go through. i am sorry you are so tired and have been treated so badly. you deserve so much happiness and you will have it. lisa
With all due respect, your sharing your experiences of how YOUR H was lieing to YOU about HIS PA it totally irrelavent to LL's situation. It only serves to further fray the nerves of a woman who is trying so hard to trust this man and believe that he's NOT lying to her. Then, when all her instincts (and so many of her well meaning friends, relatives, comrades on this board...) are telling her things that only go further to support her fears, we can see a perfect example, right here on this board, of Michele's warnings about well intentioned friends in the first chapter of Divorce Remedy.
LL, before you allow your fears to take over, supported by Lisa's story of her experiences, please re-read that section of DR... And remember, that no matter how similar everyone else's story is to yours, your marriage, your story is unique, it is yours.
LL, listen to Zebra, while Lisa wsa trying to tell you her experience, each one is different. I know, I have suspected an affair of some sort, well meaning people in newcomers as much as told me there probably was. I now have great confidence that there has not been one, and hope that it is not too late to heal from the accusations.So, reread the chapter, as I am going to and go from there. Sue
Also, Lisa, when you say it is hard to believe that it can be just an ea for so long it makes me angry, my h has had this ff for 3 years, and I am now finding out that there has been nothing but a friendship to someone who has had many many problems, and my h has been her support, we as a society, myself included do not question a same sex friendship do deep, yet throw opposites together and we assume affair of some sort. It is so sad. Sue
thank you all for your thoughts, I know it definately to be an affair, this "friendship" was hidden from me before and after it was discovered. he admits to falling in love with her. it's an affair no matter who's looking at it. as far as pa or not really at this point who gives a crap, he admits to being in love with her, admitted to wanting to be physical with her, i know they planned to be together after dumping us, me and her h. so what diff does it make if they were screwing around, they may as well have been , they were being decetedful anyway so why draw a line.
the problem is not her and it is not me it is my h. he seems to want a care free r with no responsibility or commitment, but then again I do not know what he wants.
I am just tired of the game, i'm taking a step back from his drama and putting myself back where i was a month ago, separated and not trying. let him do what he wants (except me) I can't treat him like a h, because i don't think he's so sure he wants to be one. LL
maybe I would have been inclined to believe my h about their just being friends if I knew about the friendship but I did not it was hidden from me until he was seen by someone who knew me and only then did he tell about the friendship, also knowing that my h is not or was not in the habit of keeping friends did I doubt it, so maybe they were "just friends" maybe he just liked her, but he has said enough to me to let me know that even if they were just friends, it was not an appropriate friendship and NOT just because they are man and woman but because of the secretness and the lies and also because of the ammount of time spent together both before and after I knew of the friendship, hell my h admitted to wanting to be physical with her and being in love with her, that he went back to being friends with her because he was seeking out that feeling again. so maybe they didn't get sexual but I am pretty sure they were comforting eachother emotionally and at some point probably reached the carressing stage, after all she is a married woman and he is a married man. what ever their r was doesn't matter it turned into something else, she knows his feelings for her hell she even said to me "you are a stronger person than me, it is hard enough when a man has had an a to work on the m but to know your h is "in love" with someone else, that's gotta be hard" so whatever they were they were no longer friends at some point. she doesn't matter in my world anymore, now I have to deal with a man who is or was (who knows as he didn't come here last night) wanting to try to want to be with me but is in love with someone else.
I am tired. tired. tired. I cannot live in h's world. I want a h and he is only wanting to "try" when he is ready then I will deal with it, right now, he has to do his own thing and I mine. maybe it would be easier if I was in love with another myself. to bad that I know the difference between "in love" and love and love is what i want. LL
I so completely understand where you are coming from. My W is still "wanting to feel in love with me again". We have no physical intimacy, tho emotional intimacy is growing daily, where for a long time I could only measure it's growth by the month. My patience so far in this regard seems to be rewarded, by the lack of physical intimacy drive me nuts. At least weekly, I wonder if I can go on, if I should go on. I don't want a platonic relationship with my W, I don't want to only be "loved like a brother". But I perservere. I believe it is and will be worth it. Already, I'm seeing a basic R that has a stronger foundation than it ever had.
I know you've been reading my stuff, I know you've followed it at least on the current "dating" thread, so I won't repeat it here. But, I'd like to say that I think the biggest break throughs for me have been to try to let go of her R with OM and not insist she break it off, or protest it too loudly. That, together with making it clear to her that it makes me terribly uncomfortable for her to continue private contact with him (meaning private get-togethers as "friends", as opposed to meeting socially as members of a larger group). She appears to respect this, but I don't know, and I don't ask or check.
Never the less, it torments me that such private contact might offer some explaination for the lack of physical intimacy, and the delays in restoring our marriage completely. This, however I recognize as a pure assumption on my part, and as taking my wife's own confused conflicted turmoil as personally directed toward me. It is my biggest goal presently to eliminate both these patterns.... assumption and taking everything personally. I think I'm succeeding, but I must constantly wrestle with my mind and listen to my heart to succeed.
