Quote: now he doesn't say outright that he doesn't want to be with me says "if I wanted to be there I would" but upond deciding to try, he did say he had to put his feelings and needs aside for his family, so what does that say
What does this say??? This says "I don't want to be there, I choose to be here". This is HUGE!!! Don't disregard this. For whatever reason, he wants to be with YOU and your family. He doesn't want to be with her. You've got to notice and celebrate the baby steps. You've got to, as I believe JJ once said "catch them doing it right".
Ok, notice that he "told you his feelings in not the same words..." What same words, the ones you frequently use, or the one's he once used? If you say that he is saying the same thing that he once did, but in different words, how are those words different? Is he conveying a similar idea, but with slightly less intensity, but you are hearing the old words because they hurt so much??? I do that. My W once said she "cringed" at my touch. Then not long ago in C, she said something like she "pulled back". Honestly, I don't recall what she said, because I "mirrored" back "cringed". The C said "She didn't say cringed". I said, "well, she used to." C said, "but she's not saying it now. Don't you see how huge that is? Don't you see the change, the positive growth?" The little things we choose to ignore could be so important in helping us change our attitude, in improving our PMA.
"admits not being in love with me".... Yeah, yeah, we all get that. "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you..." What the hell does being "in love" mean??? Think about that. If you ever come up with an answer, let me know, because I would love to share it with my W when she says that to me (my W's variation is "I just wish I could fall in love with Z again")
The rest of what you say is the same thing I said, except you managed to bring her up again. In bringing her up, you are making this about you. You are taking it personally. It's not personal. He is being selfish. He wants this time to do what he wants to do. But he agreed to something else. Until you and he agree to change that arrangement, he must honor his agreements. They are responsibilities he accepted and needs to maintain or renegotiate. Honestly, you have no right to let him off the hook for those responsibilities any more than he has the right to shrug them off on you. If you do, and you continue to resent him because of it, you are being terribly unfair by condemning him because of your weakness in enforcing the agreement. That is not his fault, it's yours. Now, I know this is a potential point of conflict, and I know I will go to unbelievable lengths to avoid conflict. But that is, at least in my case, a huge part of the problem in my marriage --- avoiding conflict. This is communication, not battle. This negotiating and making agreements and trusting that those agreements will be kept. It's knowing the limits and responsibilities of both parties. Sure, things can be changed -- renegotiated as when you did with the season tickets. But the base agreement is still in force... Don't take it personally, just live up to the agreement, and change it together if necessary.
