z,
honestly it was just tuesday night that he sat and told me of his feelings in not the same words but,the jist is gotten, now he doesn't say outright that he doesn't want to be with me says "if I wanted to be there I would" but upond deciding to try, he did say he had to put his feelings and needs aside for his family, so what does that say.
h does not deny being in love with her, and fully admits to not being in love with me.
as far as the separation schedule sundays are not his free day but his day to be with the kids, so his expecting me to care for the kids so he can go watch football with a buddy is not part of the agreement, now there was discussion before his "trying" about when he has a game to go to (season tickets) but that doesn't include watching a game on tv with a friend, if we were not "trying" but still separated as we are sun would be his responsibility. seems as if in "trying" h is trying to get back all his freedom and take mine away. h may be comming over more often, but is comming later and skipping out of sundays.
I just don't know what I can do, h is trying, but really I cannot give him the simple basic responsibility free commitment free no obligation r that he had with her. she after all had a husband.
while we were not trying, h would come tue and thurs nights and I would go out, he would sleep on the couch and that was that. he would come on sun I would go to church and go out for the day, every other sat night h would come and stay into sun, I would go out sat night and again leave in the am (if I came home, funny that h decided to "try" after the first sat night that I DIDN'T come home)
now h comes several nights sometimes after the kids are asleep, on occasion has not come on a tue or thurs because he needs his space. when I have brought up the schedule in regard to sundays h gets bothered. even for this sun, i let him know I would still like to go to mass, thing is I will have to rush home after so he can get to his friends to watch the game, odd thing is that during the time that we were seperated in the r not just in living space h would watch the game here with the kids and who ever he wanted to watch with would come over, the last sun that I still went and did my own thing (played paint ball with my brothers) h got mad at me.
I did tell him that he'd need to find a sitter for sun, but that he took as me being unfair to him.
seems like when h is interested or drawn to me is when I am distant toward him, not calling, not talking and not caring what he does, when I am drawn to him he pulls away.
i cannot compete with an illusionary idea of what a r is supposed to be. does he not realize that the reason their r was so good was because she had a h and therefore he was just a bonus a friend? how can I compete with that?? I am his wife, we do share family and history, we do share a home and children and responsibility.
I am threatend not by ow, but by the illusion in my h's head as to what a r is supposed to be.
LL
