z, honestly, you are 100% right I am a bitch, have been for a very long time, it's my defense mechanism, people have walked all over me since birth (yeah, yeah, I know the pity party) as a teen my friends used to describe me to a new friend saying "she comes of as a bitch, but she's really nice once you get to know her" not a good trait, but it's something I am working on.
h and I met a long time ago in the age factor, he was 19 and i just barely 16, I was looking for fun, h looked like a bad boy might be some fun, turned out to be a "nice guy" I'd often ask him then what he was doing with me, he'd say he was doing penance for the church a 5 year term, well obviously that term never ended. in the beggining h was there for me, then he started his business and got more and more involved in it and less and less involved in me, this made me bitter, my bitterness made him retreat, not knowing how to handle a business and a r, that is just the way things went. h honestly believes h was and is "in love" with this woman, that he was before we got married, found a happiness with her (mind you she was married then too) but decided no this is not right, I should be with ll, so he marries me, things don't change we still have the wall between us, things get worse as we have a child, build a home and then i start asking for another child, h wants to once again feel the way he felt when around ow, so he goes back to talking to her, it is still there, their r grows, h retreats from me.
how h came back from d, well he does love me, that much we know, the kids, and the fact that he couldn't live with himself not trying one last time.
what I did during the sep. went dark, lived my life, went out made friends and didn't give a rat what he was doing, there were times when I would confront him and ask him how he could live with himself doing this to his kids and a few other things, but in the end I just let it all be letting him go after the "false" happiness he found in her.
she is a sick woman, I cannot be like her and honestly I don't think h would fully want me to be, hell she's a liar and a cheater and she is ending her married because she believes her h doesn't love her. no she is not the problem, our problems are our own.
I just have to "keep my mouth shut" live my life and let go of the past and enjoy the future that I have been waiting for. h was always to busy with work to spend time with me, once he had a bit of spare time, he was spent with the r and sought to spend time with her, now h realizes the importance of communication and is putting the energy into our r.
h was quoted as saying when asked just this sat night how are things going, " were working things out, LL is awesome!" I cannot persue h and that is what i had been doing for a long long time, now I must sit back and take the care free attitude I had at 16 of just wanting to have fun and hang out and be a friend. not get bothered when h comes home late because of work but be happy that he is comming home, not be bothered when h is going to do something with friends, but be happy that he has them, accept and apprieciate the fact that I too have my own life. to stop talking all the time so that h might have an opportunity to share some of his thoughts.
I know that we can make it, I know it will take a while for h to fully "get over" the love he thinks he has for ow, I can be and am a better woman than she, obviously he knows that or else he would still be being with her, she is still ending her marriage. I know what I have to do, now I just have to do it. LL
