ll, i am familiar with everything you are feeling. my h had a pa for 3 monthes in 98 and 3 monthes in 99 with a friend from highschool. they talked in between and h stayed in contact with her off and on until may this year when i found out and demanded he call her. he had told me they were no longer in contact when they were. i saw a call on the cell bill and her # in his phone. he had no idea how important it was to me that they end their friendship. he thought since nothing was going on it was no big deal.
he also had a 3 month pa with a coworker that he ended all on his own. she haunts us still. i found out about both affairs the same day as h walked out on me and d nov of last year. we have been working on our marriage since march.
things can change in an instant i have learned. i am still plagued with sadness at being betrayed and left. h is very loving and honest now. still its very hard for me to feel in love with a man who could do all that.
you just hang in there. everything will be ok. lisa
jw you are right, she is as she herself said, NOTHING. thing is h for a very long time did nothing but work, didn't really have relationships with people so he therefore believes (and who the hell knows maybe he is) they had something special that he was/is in love with her. pretty basic r they had if you ask me. a little time here and there a little conversation here and there, what really is that nothing more than a basic friendship, easy comfortable and pleasurable because NOTHING is expected of the other. no responsibiltiy to the other. no shared responsibilities friends or family. I cannot give him such a simple relationship. I know the reasons that he withdrew from me, he devoted himself to his business and I felt neglected my wanting to spend time with him was taken as resenting the business he withdrew bla bla bla. found pleasure in her company, stayed away as we were to be married, still wasn't happy with me wanted that feeling again so went back to her. now a home and two kids later how can I give this man the relationship that will give him that "feeling" he seeks.
to her (ow) his being "in love" with her is a HUGE thing, to me it's a mere and temporary inconvenience. falling in love with someone is not a very difficult thing loving someone is a very different thing and my h does love me very much. (and yes I let little ow know this in response to her supposed compliment to me being a stronger person that her) I just want h to be happy, I can be his friend but I am also his wife and the mother of his children, share a home and family with him so that tends to get in the way of the fun little care free "in love" crap.
so how to make your spouse fall "in love" with you??
LL: I am convince that every new R tends to be more pational, more crazy, more exite than a M of 12, 13 or 14 years... because it is base on that... on sex, on pleasure, on vanal talkings.... not in frienship, knowing too much of each other, children, familly....!!... So... i remember that on a mail ow sent my h, she reminded him what a friend of my h said: That my h staying with her show a different smile, and seems to be more happy than ever...!! How damage can do a partner word...!!... how easy they say words that doesnt reflect reality... and this is because he isnt a real freidn of my husband, he only know him since 8 years... and he is only hearing my h part of the trouble in M...!!... So, yes, we cant fight against fresh body, against sexy fantasies that a teenager that our H become feel on their MLC... we only can be the same special woman, mother, friend, and company (inclusive on bed) they enjoy so much but at the same time fight against because their MLC... I am cnvince is not an specific OW... at least in my h case... is his confution, his wishes to change everything, to feel younger, to feel sexiest...!!...
my h and ow "claim" (and most of the time I believe) it was not a physical relationship, that honestly makes it harder because our IS, so she was giving and he was giving to her, the emotional attachment, the "feelings" the friendship, the comfort, the desire to be around that person to want that person to be around you. with her there is no responsibility to be around, it's all just relaxed and nice nice, with me there is baggage and responsibilty. I want what I have always wanted, to be my husbands best friend, this woman was his best friend and now he has a new male best friend (well someone he has been football buddies with since childhood) how am i to be my h's best friend when he keeps getting attached to these other people, i will always just be the wife who is sometimes included in the fun. LL
Yes you can By sharing this fun activities... him telling you how much he enjoy with his buddies... he sharing with you things about his work... even watching and commenting a TV show is part of a friendship...!!... Relax... and try to maintain way the jelaus about his buddies... Dont think OW was a better friend... You have a baggage, that she hasnt... and that baggage include a lot of friendship and sharing...
she had and has her own baggage just wasn't HIS baggage, she was/is married (getting a d) two kids, cancer etc. what they had was an innapropriate friendship, he in spending the time with her and communicating with her felt that perhaps that is the way a r should be, why isn't it that way with the w, maybe I just married the wrong person, so now he is where he is, he is back (trying to come back) because he couldn't live with himself not giving it another try. though he has ended the friendship, relationship whatever you want to call it, h feels that he is in love with her. it troubles me that he has these feelings for her. I have a better understanding of such feelings and realize you can have them for many people if you just spend the time with them and communicate. h thinks it was just there. I never doubted my h's love for me, even when he was wanting a d, I said to myself, h may be with someone and be "in love" but he will never love another the way he loves me! sad but it was the path HE was choosing. I don't care for "in love" think it takes energies away from more important things, consumes you LOVE is what I want and have, h however has been led by this "in love" feeling to be spending time w ow, was what he was missing, so now I WANT h to be "in love" with me and hope that the transition back to reality afterward is acceptable for him to stay away from other ow. I understand fully that this ow is as she herself said NOTHING, unfortunatly to my h, she is the one he was in love with and that was a better feeling (for him) than the love he had for me. he is trying to come home and I believe he will, but I would like for it to be because he has the feeling he was looking for when he saught her out.
so then again I ask, how to make your spouse who already loves you, fall "in love" with you???
How did you do it the first time? By being demanding, jealous, clingy and bitchy? If you did, just do more of it, and soon you will have him back. If you did something else (and I imagine you did), you have to remember back to what that was, how that was, what made you and he enjoy each other. You have to notice what it was that the OW gave him that made him "fall in love" (BTW, I don't buy that garbage for one second...). Be the OW. Be a non-judgemental friend who shares with him, supports him, empathizes with him, doesn't demand he behave the way you want him to at the expense of his freedom and happiness. One how has her own life and allows him to have his. Be what you imagine he would fall in love with, and he will.
What did you do to draw him back to you from the brink of divorce? What made him choose to come back to the marriage instead of running to the OW? What ever it was, it looked like it worked, and it now seems you've stopped doing it. What ever it was, try doing more of it again.
That's how you get him to fall in love you. Simple, but not easy.
As we continue to act in the manner that is true to ourselves and reminds them of what orginally attracted them to us in the first place, their realization that our changes are genuine will allow them to make the decision to love us again.
Quote: ... the reoccurring statement through out this board - "Love is a decision." A decision based on what it is about us that they are attracted to and then they are fully committed to that decision.
What altered that commitment? The subtle shift in our behavior until we are no longer the person they were attracted to. Then they begin to doubt their decision to love us. The more we continue our unattractive behavior the more they waiver. Eventually, they change their decision. Unfortunately, for some of us that may mean an EA or PA.
What brings them back? Changes we make in our behavior as we consciously attempt to improve ourselves. This may reminds them of the old us they were attracted to or even better perhaps as the "New & Improved" us. Once they believe that changes are for real, then it is not such a large step for them to decide they can love us again and commit to it again.
z, honestly, you are 100% right I am a bitch, have been for a very long time, it's my defense mechanism, people have walked all over me since birth (yeah, yeah, I know the pity party) as a teen my friends used to describe me to a new friend saying "she comes of as a bitch, but she's really nice once you get to know her" not a good trait, but it's something I am working on.
h and I met a long time ago in the age factor, he was 19 and i just barely 16, I was looking for fun, h looked like a bad boy might be some fun, turned out to be a "nice guy" I'd often ask him then what he was doing with me, he'd say he was doing penance for the church a 5 year term, well obviously that term never ended. in the beggining h was there for me, then he started his business and got more and more involved in it and less and less involved in me, this made me bitter, my bitterness made him retreat, not knowing how to handle a business and a r, that is just the way things went. h honestly believes h was and is "in love" with this woman, that he was before we got married, found a happiness with her (mind you she was married then too) but decided no this is not right, I should be with ll, so he marries me, things don't change we still have the wall between us, things get worse as we have a child, build a home and then i start asking for another child, h wants to once again feel the way he felt when around ow, so he goes back to talking to her, it is still there, their r grows, h retreats from me.
how h came back from d, well he does love me, that much we know, the kids, and the fact that he couldn't live with himself not trying one last time.
what I did during the sep. went dark, lived my life, went out made friends and didn't give a rat what he was doing, there were times when I would confront him and ask him how he could live with himself doing this to his kids and a few other things, but in the end I just let it all be letting him go after the "false" happiness he found in her.
she is a sick woman, I cannot be like her and honestly I don't think h would fully want me to be, hell she's a liar and a cheater and she is ending her married because she believes her h doesn't love her. no she is not the problem, our problems are our own.
I just have to "keep my mouth shut" live my life and let go of the past and enjoy the future that I have been waiting for. h was always to busy with work to spend time with me, once he had a bit of spare time, he was spent with the r and sought to spend time with her, now h realizes the importance of communication and is putting the energy into our r.
h was quoted as saying when asked just this sat night how are things going, " were working things out, LL is awesome!" I cannot persue h and that is what i had been doing for a long long time, now I must sit back and take the care free attitude I had at 16 of just wanting to have fun and hang out and be a friend. not get bothered when h comes home late because of work but be happy that he is comming home, not be bothered when h is going to do something with friends, but be happy that he has them, accept and apprieciate the fact that I too have my own life. to stop talking all the time so that h might have an opportunity to share some of his thoughts.
I know that we can make it, I know it will take a while for h to fully "get over" the love he thinks he has for ow, I can be and am a better woman than she, obviously he knows that or else he would still be being with her, she is still ending her marriage. I know what I have to do, now I just have to do it. LL
Quote: what I did during the sep. went dark, lived my life, went out made friends and didn't give a rat what he was doing,
I have found this is the key. In my sitch, when I just go off and do for me, she goes absolutely nutso. Wants to know where I'm going. Who was I with? When will you be home? Just can't let me go off by myself. Again, in my sitch, it was not about jealousy, or control on her part, but just that she wanted to be sure I wasn't going to have more fun than she was. So I learned there was a basis for us, she required shared fun.... It was a start. I don't know where the end will be, but it won't be the divorce she said she needed 18 months ago. I think I'm winning... You are too. Believe that.
And never forget that "LL is awesome". Babystep is such an understatement here, babe. Yes, you are winning!
How damage can do a partner word...!!... how easy they say words that doesnt reflect reality... and this is because he isnt a real freidn of my husband, he only know him since 8 years... and he is only hearing my h part of the trouble in M...!!... So, yes, we cant fight against fresh body, against sexy fantasies that a teenager that our H become feel on their MLC... we only can be the same special woman, mother, friend, and company (inclusive on bed) they enjoy so much but at the same time fight against because their MLC... I am cnvince is not an specific OW... at least in my h case... is his confution, his wishes to change everything, to feel younger, to feel sexiest...!!...