ok a question to you all, last november when h was seen w ow and then disclosed the friendship, I asked that it end. he claimed to end it. when i asked after a while when he had last spoken to her, he said "she called for firewood" (she is a customer) when I called her and talked to her, she also said the last time she talked to him was for firewood. they had still been talking everyday at the time, seeing eachother a few times a week and my h supposedly told her to tell me that lie.
h has confessed that lie saying it was his idea. h has admitted to lot's of things, (still does not admit to any pa other than hugging her)
so do I believe him this time???
she is still calling him at least every other week that I have seen on his cell or that he admitted to me. I asked him the other morning to call her with me there and tell her not to call anymore that there is no r between them, that how he's doing is not a concern of hers and there is no need for her to call to wish him a happy b-day. she knows that he is home (or at least trying to come home) but I don't think that matters to her,(obviously, she is still calling)
so what to do, h wouldn't call then as it was early the kids were up and I was angry. also suggested I leave the kids with my mother and meet him at ow's house in person to tell her.
I have not said anything since about it, but would feel more comfortable if something like it would happen.
Tell him what you would prefer, regarding the calls, the contact. Make it clear that you don't like it, that it threatens you. Ask him to confirm that he understands that any contact makes you uncomfortable, and makes you feel threatened.
Then let it go.
If he chooses to continue, that's his choice. You can remind him that you would prefer he not be in contact with her, but you can't stop him. You can only choose to cease having contact with him if he continues to disrespect your preferences. Or you can accept that he loves you and will remain loyal to you, but that for reasons of his own individuality, he still will contact her. That's his choice. Yours is to accept that, or not. If you refuse to accept that part of him, to reject that part of him, then you will probably have to reject all of him.
You cannot control him, you have no right to demand that he behave the way you wish. If he behaves other than how you wish, all you can do is change your wish, or leave him alone.
Quote: you have no right to demand that he behave the way you wish.
I have no right to DEMAND anyting of him that is true, I do have the right as his wife to ask him to not speak to this woman who invaded our marriage whether it was invited by him or not. I have let him know that I understand he still cares for her, but that she has no place in our marriage. well actually I said a few other things too, basically just pointing out that she doesn't really deserve any pity from him, whatever "hell" she is in now is her own doing, he wouldn't expect anyone to pity him so why give it to her. I feel that his responding to her will cease on it's own, she however may need to be told straight out to take a hike.
thanx z i value your opinion on this as I know you have dealt with it. hope I can be as strong about it as you have LL
LL: Since my h came back home, i never demanded him to call her in front of me or nothing like that, because he was th one who did that wuthout me asking... i remembered a day when she called to his cell phone (h wasnt at home yest , but we were dating and getting out a lot... We were together eating at a restaurant.. so he answered and said: Please, dont call me more... i am with my w dining, and i dont want anything more with you... After that, she insist going to his gym, and he told me about this... i never pointed him what he need to do... but i always expressed my angry because she still looking for him... Now, after 10 months of recnciliation, i dont know if she continue calling him... i dont have access to his cell bill... she never call to his cell phone, at least in a moment i can know it... So, i dont have signs to demand him cuting her away... But yes, if i have really signs about it, i will ask stop that directly because i wont acept him maintining a touch with someone who wish to destroy my marriage some months ago and maybe right now...!!... but i will try to look for that not involucrating me... letting him to do what he have to do...
h has let her know that he is trying to put m back together and that he is home (funny cause he isn't yet) she knows this yet is still calling him, how often I don't fully know but I have seen a few calls from her on his cell phone. eventually (I hope) theese calls will cease, but honestly she does not seem like the type of woman who will stop unless she is told straight out. and right now h still feels bad for her, he doesn't yet see that SHE is also responsible she is no victim. he also knows that as long as there is contact between them I will not be able to trust him. they may have just been friends, but that friendship went too far when they colaborated to lie to me, and then started planning to be together because they were in love
h and i have been spending alot of time together lately, took me out shopping and spoiled me, lots of physical affection (well most of it is sexual) initiated all by him. I am trying to not call h, and not be bothered when he comes over late when he says he's going to try to come early, and to not get bothered when he decides he just isn't going to come over.
I just want h to come home, and be my h again, I don't want to have to question "is this going to end" I just want to feel safe w h and right now I have good moments and bad moments.
trying to be the persued with out persueing in return is difficult. also trying to put ow out of my head is VERY difficult. LL
well that sucked, friend came over, h was here, upstairs watching football, his phone was in downstairs bathroom, it beeped, I looked at it and scanned the calls no incomming from ow, but an outgoing to her while on his way over tonight, my friend left. I went to h and asked him if he wanted to be my h, he said yes, I then took house phone dialed ow's # and gave him the phone, he realizing who I had called hung up. told me he had called her to tell her they couldn't talk anymore. (i had asked that this call be made with me for my reasurance) ow (caller id) calls back (i also have caller id) so I give the phone to h, little words, she apparently asking him if she should talk to me (as if i'd believe her) turned into a discussion that h clearly did not want to have, h just didn't understand how important it was for me to hear him tell her not to call him anymore. any way h is now sleeping in sons bed after walking away from me, this is clearly not the way to do things, h wants to reasure me that he wont leave that we are working on us.
h was able to express his feelings for ow to her in a non physical manner but has yet to be able to do that with me, I express that fact to him and his response "it takes time" so oh great h is not in love with me is in love with ow. is trying to be in love with me. why do I get the feeling this is about the kids, gee could be that instead of hugging me and telling me i love you and want for things to work out with us, all he can say is I'm here arent I, I came over didn't I, I'm not spending time with anyone else. does he comfort me, no he walks away and goes to lay down with son. and leaves me. not a good way to communicate. all it says to me is I am doing this for my kids. so gee fine do it for the kids we'll have fun and all, I'll just prepare myself to be left when the kids are grown and it will supposedly no longer be a problem for them. LL
LL: When my h asked for reconciliation i always told him i want him back because me, not becuse the child or because economics issue or any other cause...!!... In that time he always told me he wants to be at home bacsue whats familly menas, children, home, and me...!!... that the economics issue doesnt have to means nothing because he knows he can afford this situation... but you know what...?... that feelings about the really resons he is at home is always in my mind...!... but t the same times i know this is all part of this turmoil and crisis they are living... is not because me... i think he will be glad to be alne, getting fum, like a teenager, but at the same time his sane part of the mind told him he is a father, a spouse, and an adult who hasnt the age for doing what teenager use to do... Maybe OW fill his requirements right now, but after time pass, ow will turn in another responsability, in another pint of reality... and will beguin to have problems with ow... Thats all the problem is about... their crisis... not us... Of course they are at home because they feel confortable with us... i know my h feels love aboput me... but in his crisis i am the terrenal part... the one who remind him he is 41 years... he is a father... he is a spouse who have to act caring and attending the other one... he have resposabilities... thats why they act so crazy about us... so hurting some times...!!
Quote: I will not let the ow get to me, whatever they had they had now I will have better!! I will not talk about the details of sit with others as the more others know the more complicated it is for me to reconcile (this will be very difficult as i love to talk) I will be upbeat when h calls I will be confident around h I will continue to treat myself well (I need a haircut) I will get some rest I will stop worrying about the what if's I will accept the fact that my h loves me and wants to be with me for me I will enjoy my family with my h I will stop hiding behind anger I will let go of the things that hurt and move on as the longer I hold onto them the longer they hurt me I will wait for h to ask to spend time together I will accept that for now h doesn't want to seek counseling I will wait for h to initiate or talks I will think about how happy I can be with h when I am feeling down about the sit I will stop asking h when he will be moving home I will try to take it one day at a time and enjoy what i have now
just thought I'd remind myself of the goals I set when h decided he wanted to try!! it is obvious I am having a hard time with them LL
h is just much better at the "one day at a time" stuff than I am, h has always been a rather patient man, I on the other hand want it NOW!!
h can wake up the next day and have it be a new start, yes the frustration of the past day is there but in the past, guess it's the whole mars venus thing at work. I cant just end things with a snap I need closure. I suppose I should be happy that h called ow to tell her they could no longer communicate, thing is I just wish I could have been privy to the conversation as they have conspired lies against me in the past. even as h sat and told me that was the reason for his call and repeated several times that he would not be talking to her, in my mind i was saying yes you said that a year ago and it was a lie..... I did not say a word and h said yes I know you've heard it before, but this time I mean it, I am not comming home so that I can carry on two relationships, i did that before and it didn't work, if i'm going to put energy into a r it's going to be this one. h gets angry and frustrated at talks about ow sit... i take it as anger at me.... h just let me know it is not him getting mad at ME but mad at the whole sit. h has at times said "I'm [censored]" (sorry) meaning he wants to come home but has hurt me so it's difficult, if he leaves it will be difficult because he will be hurting us all. a bit of a dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.
I am trying to let go of the past two years of lies and decete and hoping that the days ahead will speak for themselves, and that our r will grow stronger and we more confident in eachother with each passing day. I am waiting for h to come home, to ask me to once again be his wife. ( a second proposal wouldn't be such a bad idea, don't need a new ring just a new marriage)
thanks for reading, hopefully I can stop the pain I am causing myself by living in the past and holding the mistrust and resentment.
things can be good. perhaps why h called her on his way here is that we had some good days together (he said he had fun with me on sun) and new that she needed to go inorder for things to get better between us. I know h will miss her, they did spend an awful lot of time together. I let h know that i was glad he made the call, but wished that i had been able to hear it, i understand that it was a hard call to make, but hearing him upset about it would be outweighed by hearing him end it with her. someday I will be confident that I am not the second choice, the obligation but the one that he wants. LL
