rachel, thanx for stopping by, I know you've been having a hard time, I've been reading your thread for a while, hope being back at work it helping you "get away"
I do not know if this is a "true" mlc or not, h has always been a different kind of guy, maybe it is maybe it isn't I do not know, but either way it isn't my issue it's his.
tonight h came over, didn't actually ask me to be around so I wasn't as I have been throughout the reconcile unless I actually had things to do, so tonight shortly after his arival I went out. went and saw "white orliander" and then went to a local dive and shot some darts, was asked to play and then played a team of real dart team members, got my ass kicked but didn't mind. h called cell phone at 10:15 to let me know he was watching football on the couch and starting to fade, said I could wake him if I wanted to, hoped I was having fun. (I didn't tell him where I was going except out) H is sorry for all that he's done, sorry for hurting everyone including himself. never thought this would happen to us. h is wanting to come home, needs space and time, and most importantly needs me to heal from all the pain that he has caused. I say that he has caused not because he is to blame for everything that went wrong in our r, but because instead of talking to me and dealing with our problems he chose to always walk away or go to sleep and hoped everything would just work itself out, (things just don't work that way) and then chose to start a relationship with one of his female customers that became a bit too much of a friendship and ultimatley led to his having feelings for her and visa versa then leading to him walking away from me and his two kids, mind you our d was three months old when I discoverd the friendship and six months old when he walked out. I feel so bad for my kids they are now 3 1/2 and 1 and they have seen me cry way to much. I am truly spent on this. basically the ball is in h's cort I can carry it no longer, it is up to him to decide what he wants. he says he wants to be a daddy and a h. he is trying and I am trying to let him try. it is new, it is scary, I am trying to lose the resentment and anger I feel toward him but it is really annoying that it has taken all this to happen for him to finally realize the importance of actually spending time and "being" a couple. I know I've just rambled a whole lot, hope there is something in what I've just said that someone can make sense out of.
