thanks lily, I know my anger is used to hide the hurt, realized that six months ago, I get mad and throw words (and on occasion fists) instead of crying and letting the hurt out. I am an acoa, had a controling father (who would hit), a brother who took on fathers ways, and another brother who took to molesting me. so there is alot of hurt behind the anger! and obviously a huge problem with trust!
I am still not sure of mlc status of my h, I always thought he'd be a canditade for one, started his own business at 19 and lived rather like an old man for a long time. our r suffered as a result of his over dedication to the b and my over dedication to the r. the ea was a result of burnout, and possibly to test his manhood, didn't want to be with me anymore and couldn't stand it anylonger. still does not admit to a PA though. h did say something that makes me think mlc (among other little things that could be just part of his awakening) he feels trapped, made sure to point out not trapped in the marriage, just trapped in general.
he knows that he has caused a lot of pain for a lot of people, I have not been the only on losing sleep over the past year.
even while he was walking away, there were plenty of occassions when he would say "this sucks" well then why are you doing it I'd ask. no reply.
h never stopped taking care of me or the kids, infact in his leaving he learned to be a daddy, and started helping out with the house, dishes and cleaning up stuff.
h could be in mini mlc, is def having withdrawal from ow, he had been talking to her everyday for the past year at least.
I had my own mlc through this, I went from being perfect mom and housewife, to smoking a pack of cigs a day (had been a smoker before) got a tatoo, started dressing like I used to going out with friends again etc...
I don't know what is going to happen, but basically for now h can drive, if he choses to have me in the car fine, if not, I'll go read a book or go out!! LL
