hello all, I've been on this bb since about june of this year when h dropped bomb after walking out the door in april after disclosure of "friend" back last november. it's been a long year, lot's of not nice words. h has had a change (or realization) of heart and now wants to work on us!!!!! still not moved home yet but spends most nights here. say's the r with ow (who is married but asked her h for a d to be with mine) is over, yet she is still calling him, actually just called him this week to wish him a happy b-day.
h and I are having fun getting to know eachother, but I am hurt and scared. I am having a hard time keeping my mouth shut and trying to not be depressed around him, I just feel like I am walking on eggshells and he could turn around at any minute and change his mind about trying to come home.
some days he is comforting when I am upset or scared and other days he is angry at it all.
I am trying, h is trying, I am scared.
I don't know how to link anything and honestly there are too many threads under my name anyway, currently I have a thread under newcomers but starting to feel that perhaps I belong over here now that h wants to try to peice our r back together. thanks in advance for any advice or comments. LL
LL: My h too ask for reconciliation in a time i never expected that...!!... i was feeeling the same fear as you... When he asked for that, i was decided and strong enough to began a new proyect life without him... So, i had to put a stop and re-try on my M... It havent been easy... but i can tell you now we have a better relation... The continue fightings about anything, stop at all because now i know what was his game... and now i feel stronger and handle tools that i hadnt use in a long long time on my M... Like not taking by discount some things that really makes them happy... the butterfly effect that michelle post on her book it is really effective... So... shut your mouth... I never ask anything about OW... i just know what he wants to tell me... I never put OW as the prime problem between us, because she isnt, and because i will not be the one who remind him about her... I feel fear not because that specific OW, but because his crisis... because he feel like a teenager needing fantasies and fresh body... he feel handsome, iron man, he deserves all... I try to work a lot on that fear, working a lot on myself... feeling better each day about my self... and showing him that feelings about my self... and at the same time, i try to show him how much i love him... i care about him more than in the past, with compliments, admirations, and laughing more than talking about home problems....!!... Try on that, and you will see both will feel happier... Good luck
I don't believe it is a mlc (though some things might seem that way and h certainly is a canditate for it)
I think we've just had a bad or no-existant r for a long time, built up walls. h had ea and wasn't happy, left and when ea made herself avail by leaving h or asking h for a d he walked away from it and decided to come home. said he couldn't walk away without looking back as I told him to do when he left so here he is.
things are going very well exept for the fact that I am having a hard time with trusting him. and also the fear that he will run again if not soon then when the kids are grown. I am scared and hurt and trying to keep my mouth shut most of the time. sometimes it is ok to talk to h but other times he just gets angry, he has said all there is to say about it and wants to move on and work on us getting comfortable with eachother. I do not know when he intends to move home or ask to put rings back on or anything like that. h is wanting to be physical alot, which is something I always complained about before (his not wanting to as much as me, even before ow) but now though I enjoy it, is making me think he was infact having a pa with her. I am trying to believe him about it not reaching that point though he admitted to wanting to. I am scared and I just want my h to come home!! LL
Be thankful and stop thinking of OW. That will eat you alive. Remember when you would do anything to just have him back and now what are you asking? It is the same thing of if only I made more money, well the more you make the more you spend.
I am so happy for you that you have him in the position you do, now move forward and budget yourself as you would your money. Stay positive and stay focused. Enjoy the times you do have. Know what power you have over the OW, cause it is extreme power, now learn to use it.
So you don't think it's MLC. How long have you been married?
I want you to listen to me. There is no 'try' to stay away from the painfilled subjects. You have GOT to stay away from those topics or you will get burned. Been there and done that and don't plan to go there again.
It takes a lot of will-power to put that boundary around the ow but, Andrea was right, she wasn't the problem in your sick marriage but rather a symptom.
You will do well if today you search inside of yourself and find whatever it is that will enable you to Thought-Stop whenever the ow or the A crosses the forefront of your mind.
Let's talk about the intimacy. Right now, realize that there Will be a lessening in that department and if you are like most of the rest of us in Piecing it is going to send you into a mild panic at least.
In my situation my H probably had low testosterone BEFORE the PA. The EA got him to having ideas and sensations that'd been absent from our R for awhile. The PA probably made his testosterone zoom high as the sky. He had to go through withdrawal from the addiction to the ow and when that happened he experienced low libido. We laughed together and sang, "What goes up must come down".
I've been told that this hormonal thing will correct itself. Meanwhile, his sexual interest is low and mine is high. Directly opposite the way it was about 5 years ago.
So. Let's review. What is the poison to your relationship. (Say "OW") and laugh at ripping away the power of her over your mind.
Also, things in the bedroom stay the same.---Y or N. The correct answer is No. More on that later. ************************ We gotta be proactive over here in Piecing. We need to make sure that our new 'residents' understand that the wheel has been invented re the poison of the ow talks and some other stuff. **************** Note to Andrea (thanks for letting me borrow space LL).
You are Spanish, is your H? Mine is 100% Spanish. On top of everything else, I get to deal w 'machismo'.
I enjoy reading your posts to Rachel and like the way you are DBing. Hope to get to know you better as time goes by.
h claim no pa with ow, claims his wanting to be physcial with me is the way he is reacting to me, knows he has always had an off and on libido and honestly has for many years. claims that he is being this way now because it is something I always wanted and he is now enjoying it too. admits that maybe it wont last but maybe he will be this way from now on. I know it will cease a bit, and honestly it doesn't always make me uncomfortable even when it makes me think he was that way with her. I just wish that if he was he would let me know, he is adimant about it not being that way with her, the opportunity just never came. I believe and I don't believe. h's drives has always fluctuated. we have been married 5 years this past sept. been together 13 with some breaks here and there probably for the same reasons that he had the ea and then left. h is business owner (started it at 19) with little free time, I always complained about it (lack of time) wich led to withdrawal and him thinking I resented the business and him (which at times I did) h stopped wanting to be around because I was always "nagging" him to be around. things are going well now, h is talking more, being more of a friend and sharing more about his life. is different for me, trying to keep my mouth shut, trying to get over the past and the lies. h knows and admits that what he did was wrong, keeping the r with her a secret was wrong and having the r with her was wrong. "I went ouside my marriage and that was wrong, I was spending time with someone else and keeping it from you and that was wrong" "there has been a huge breech of trust and I know that will take time"
h says all the right things (most of the time) when I just keep my mouth shut things are great (but I still ache on the inside in the quiet) sometimes even when I don't keep my mouth shut things are great. h knows he has hurt me and is sorry for it. I just want to get to a place where h is asking me to be his wife (I still have not been asked for the rings to be put back on) to live in my home. I want to reach a point where I am no longer trying to get over the pain but am over the pain.
I know the ow is merely a symptom, she seems to think otherwise and for a while so did h. ow will not win, as long as I don't push h to her, and even then she will not have him for long. ow is simply that ow I am wife, mother of children, keeper of his home, part of his family and friends, I am more to him than she could ever hope to be, all she has been is someone who was there. LL
thanks z, I'm trying to be less angry about the sit. question for you and for all those here, how do I get past feeling like a fool who has been lied to?? I want to trust h but am having a hard time, ow IS still calling h, and h returns her calls. still claiming they were just friends, I don't know many friends who leave their spouses for eachother and talk of a life together. h did not come over last night, said that there will be times during this (reconcile) that he will want to be alone. thing is though he wants to be alone, and I understand he needs his space, his not being here makes me uncomfortable. I am tryig to trust h and that is hard to do when you have been lied to the way I have. LL
The first thing you have to do is get rid of the anger. Anger is a primal defensive mechanism. It is suppose to protect us from harm. You need to loose it, and all the assumption that comes with it.
You are assuming that he's lying to you, you are assuming he is trying to fool you. You are assuming they are planning to leave their spouses and planning to be together for ever. Stop assuming things about which you have no proof.
Finally, when you stop being angry, and you stop assuming, you will be able to stop viewing everything he does as a personal attack upon you. His actions are not about you, and maybe that is another part of the problem --- that you feel they should be more about you. His actions are not directed to hurt you, but to ease whatever hurt he has within.
