The long journey I didn't sign up for.............

[nodivorceplease]

Yesterday was my visit with the child therapist I have been taking my D7 to see. My D7 has had about 4 sessions with the therapist and this was just a "parent session" to discuss what is going on with daughter. I invited H to come to the session as well and luckily he did show up. Our daughter has been taking all of this pretty hard despite my best efforts to make it as easy as possible on her. Anyway, I am so glad that my H came because it really gave him a chance to hear, from another persons perspective, the pain he has caused our family. He was very quiet and mostly just listened. At first I thought he was very non-emotional but as we left I noticed that his eyes were a little red. At one point the therapist asked if we had come to a decision as to when we would proceed with a divorce and I just looked at H. He then kind of stammered and said we really hadn't decided on a time frame yet. He has said he will D me but doesn't seem in any rush to do it. The therapist assured me that everything my D7 is going thru is a normal part of the grieving process for a child and gave me some constructive ways to help her deal with her emotions. For so long my H has tried to say, "Oh, D7 will be just fine. Kids go thru divorce all the time." Hopefully now he understands how painful this is for her. Afterwards, we both went our separate ways since he had to go back to work. He came back in the evening to take us out to dinner. D7 received her report card yesterday and made honor roll again so we always reward her with a nice dinner at the restaurant of her choice. H looked terrible but said it was because he had been working so much. He was very quiet during dinner. He did stay long enough to help D7 get ready for bed and that is the first time he has done that since he left. After I got in bed last night, I grabbed a devotional that I read sometimes. I just let it open to any page and started reading. As luck would have it, the passage I read talked about how God can restore marriages and soften hearts. Maybe I needed to read that because I have not been feeling very hopeful about my M lately. Truthfully, I want my H back and I want our M to be better than ever. Sometimes I just get so disappointed that I try to convince myself that I don't want him anymore. I tell myself that I deserve someone who can love me like there is no tomorrow and, well, I do deserve that. I want to feel hopeful but I am scared to let myself have any hope.

As a side note, I think I have been shopping way too much lately! I've noticed that anytime I start to feel down, I go shopping. My H's side of the closet, which was once empty, is now full. I've got to learn to do something else like go to the gym.

That's my story today..
Shelly