Thank you for your confidence in what I have to say, but there are many excellent posters here--not merely Snodderly or myself. Sometimes others may not post if they see specific names in a thread title because they do not feel welcome. There are so many excellent posters that I do not like to list a few because I would leave so many names off the list.
Your is showing some drastic MLC behaviour. You can choose to look at this in a number of ways. As a Pollyanna, I would choose to view the drastic behacviour as a sign that she is acting without rationale and thus her actions have les likelihood of permanence. Some MLCers marry or simply cohabitate with the OM/OW. But to have made the relationship legal after only two months AND to keep it a secret from not only you, but also the children TO ME indicates she is ashamed of her actions.
I would also interpret her concern that you would find out as her feeling it would hurt you. Newylweds should be proud of their new spouse and excited--they should want to share their love with everyone. A marriage is a public announcement of love and bonding. She may have been pressured into marriage by the OM...but that is probably more likey with OWs than OMs. Rather I see her quick marriage as something she felt she had to do to prove to herself that this was what she wanted...well, I've done it now, see I do love him and it is real.
MLCers become their opposite...and this is said of them as parents. The loving and doting parent become more neglectful or at least inappropriate, the previously preoccupied parent tries to become more involved. I don't have children, so I am only saying this from what I have read on the board. It seems your wife has taken the neglect to an extreme in not even calling at holidays.
How many children do yiou have and what are their ages? You were married 20 years--so I am assuming teenagers--early to late or preteen and early teen?
Quote: I've been trying to be as patient as possible, BUt some days I just can't.
I know that patience is difficult at times. What I ask of you is to change the language you are using with yourself.
Admit the difficulty of patience. But you CAN do it. By using a negation you are giving yourself a negative affirmation which your mind believes to be true; it is a form of hypnosis.
Mermaid has shown you an excellent example of a possible reconciliation after remarriage...and thus that they do come back. DavidA's story is not yet complete. She may come back and waiver. She may leave again--without an OM. And she may return again. That is the difficulty of the later stages--waivering and stunted returns.
Also look at what DavidA said. His wife would like to move home...and at the time of his posting her move was a few months away. MLCers move quickly with the OM/OW, and perhaps slowly with the true spouse. I can't say with certainty because in my case Sweetheart has always moved quickly with both of us. His wife's delay could be due to moving issues...but that is not often a dleay for MLCers, thus perhaps it is a sign that she is or has exited the tunnel.
As or understanding...much MLC behaviour defies logic. It is like trying to understand a Schizophrenic. We want to understand. But for me the way to understand was rather than understanding Sweetheart I understand that there is often little to no sense in the behaviours, and therefore understanding the motivations is not always necessary. Often we dalso do not realize that the force behond the behaviour is the OM/OW and not our MLCer. Sweetheart said the OW made lists of items he was to retrieve from our house and bring back with him. I thought it was odd one day when I came home and the coats were gone--his coats that I wear...and this was during the time he was trying to come home.
I know this is difficult. But it sounds like you are doing the right things in DBing. It's just that those 'right things' will not always or perhaps even often show immediate results...and if they do the results may APPEAR negative, though they are not.
So work on focusing on yourself--finding that inner peace and internal happiness. It is okay to miss her and it is okay to hurt. Accept these feelings. But at the same time work on building yourself back up...for yourself, for your kids, and in preparation for a future return.
