well im back. i dont know if anyone remembers me. im 36 my wife is 36 also. married 15yrs together 18yrs. two kids S15 D9. any way back in feb. 06 wife out of the blue tells me she is not happy and needs space to figure out what she wants in life. moves out in march. during march she begins telling me all my faults that lead her to leaving. i start working on them. swears that there is no third person in her decision to leave. i believe her. well in april i find that was a hugh lie. she had been having an affair since sept. 05 with someone she worked with. april and may are hard months, but find this place and work on myself and try to let her go. she didnt like me going dark on her. would always call and want to do things with me. late may she tells me she cut it off with om and wants to r our marriage. she moves home in june. first month was tough, with me telling her that this is not going to work we should get divorced (because she was not back into the r and was not committed). she agrees she has not been committed but she wants to try and was sorry for everything she put me thru. the next four months were pretty good (better then years). then comes nov. just like a light switch was flipped she was off again. dosent know what she wants. we agree to seperate again. she stayed thru the holidays. every since that talk we have gotton along really well. still ML still ILY's. as i am typing this i am shaking me head. well for the last two weeks i have been helping (well actually moving her my self) out of the house. she is now gone again. ok this is where i am confused: 1) w acts like we are best friends (tells me all the time i am her best friend) 2) always wants to hang out together. 3) calls none stop 4) flirts all the time
i love my w, but i cant take this anymore. her on again off again is killing me. she says this is for her, my gut tells me om is still in the picture. my gut tells me she is just using me for the needs i give her that she is not getting from who ever. she has her cake and is eating it too. i have been playing the nice guy card for so long i am getting tired. i dont know what to do anymore. i do my own thing, i dont pursue her, she pursues me.
i can see i am on my own on this one. the last two weeks have been interesting. i have been going out on weekends and i can tell my w does not like it. she calls all the time, hell she acks like my wife other then living under the same roof. on her weekend off she spends with me and the kids. always ask what im doing, spends alot of time together. last weekend was my weekend with out the kids. was going to go out with a couple buddys but decided to stay in. w calls around 7 and ask what i was going to do for the night, told her i was staying in, maybe get some chineese, she wanted some also and came over.
im telling you, maybe i am the only one having this happen, maybe thats why i got no replys.
wife is not happy moves out second time calls all the time, wants to spend alot of time with me. she has never and i mean never been a touchy feely type, but now is always doing that to me. flirts all the time and is still ML on a regular basis.
i really dont know what i want to do with her. i can tell you though i have been were everybody here is, had all the same emothions, ask grasshopper, muddlethru, and many others. it was pretty rough for me. but now where am i at???? thats a good question!! i can say with out question i like the relationship i have with my wife right now, if nothing else for the kids. i can tell you if i found out she was with om i would not be bothered, been there done that. she knows that. i told her if i wanted to date i would and she could also. i dont think she likes this idea. na i know she dont, but with me its ok. i am really at the point that i like our friendship, and want to keep that, but my marriage is pretty much over for me, 90/10. there is a little left but its fading.
Man, It just seems like you have to figure out what you want out of this. I mean you are at 90/10 with the 10 being the M.
You could always just sit back for a while, while you figure out what you truly want out of this. Just keep the friendship going and see what happens...
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
I agree that this is kind of a strange situation you're in. Seems like your W is not ready for you to move on. She finds strenght in you being "not sure" of what's going on. She gets a kick out of it. Hmmm. Have you asked her flat out what she wants to do?
You're basically telling her you like her function, but there's nothing personal about her. You want to date? You're telling her she doesn't matter. Of course she's out the door again. If you want her to stay she's got to be a priority. And think about it this way - if you're wrong in thinking that you don't want it, you likely won't get the chance to make this choice again. Think about what you really want - then make a plan to make it happen.
I don't buy the "my marriage is 90/10 over" - either it is or it isn't. Either you're married or not. The amount of energy you're investing in it now might only be 90% of what you could - and maybe that's one of the main reasons why it's not going so well. It sounds like your W is trying. The marriage is not something in and of itself - it doesn't live or die on its own. It is composed of the efforts and intentions of the individuals in it, and when they stop giving completely, it's dead. It can be revived even then. Your choice.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
yea i have asked her what she trully wanted, before she moved out. her response was i really dont know. last march she was all for divorce when her affair was strong. she said some really nasty things to me, but i stayed strong, let it all run off my back, worked on myself, she noticed and things began to change, only after i like osu says i was done. she then and only then became interested in me again. i know she really dosnt know what she wants. could she be hidding things from me? sure she could, but i dont know why she would because i have told her i dont care if is still seeing om, its her life and she could do what ever she wanted, just like i am going to do. now i can tell you, this has confused her, i didnt do it for that reason, i did it for me, for my sanity, i really let her go. but i have been very good about keeping the friendship, i will admit that. i could have in todays world been justified to disown her and never talk to her again, other then kid issues. but i have not taken that approch, i understand i was at some fault. all this has been discussed with her. like i said its been almost a year and a half since my bomb was dropped, i am in a better place now. i truly love my wife, she knows that, but she also knows i can not take any more back and forth. so i just be friendly, because i want to, not to try to get her back, but mainly for the kids. where i am confused is this is all her doing, she wants this, atleast that is why she moved out again. but why is she still acting like she is my wife? is it because she is confused, or is it because she likes our friendship. if its the latter then why the love making still. what do the women in here think? if you were done your done right? i know if i was certain i would be, but i am not like i said i still have 10% wanting to save this. maybe that is where she is at also and we cant communicate that with each other. i dont know, it confuses the hell out of me.
muddlethrough: when i told her about dating, i did that so she could not lie to me, i did that so she had nothing to hide. this talk was after she moved out again. im telling you i had to do this because like i told her, no more lies, no more decete. have i dated no, i would not do that to me, her or someone else. i have stood for my marriage for a long time, i also have come along way with her, but here i am, seperated, not really married. i am just tired. i got the least that i wanted, our friendship, our marriage is not back, and honestly i am ok with that.
