Excuse me for jumping in because I haven’t been part of this forum, don’t know much about your situation other than this thread and I haven’t read Deida’s book yet although I am interested in many of the concepts.
I may be a bit sensitive to the LD female/HD male thing since I think that was a big part of the break up of my best friend’s marriage. I’m not so sure I really believe that my friend is actually LD but at least in comparison to her H she was. And I can tell you that it didn’t help their marriage one bit to have him constantly and consistently telling her that something was wrong with her and HE was miserable because of it. He was clear that she was the one with the problem and she had to figure out the way to address it. It was to a point where she didn’t like physical contact at times because she KNEW what he wanted and it created a lot of stress for her. It wasn’t that she didn’t want him or didn’t want to be held by him but the stress of feeling that she was never quite doing enough for him was hard for her. And in their case it didn’t end in the bedroom, everything about her seemed to bother him and nothing was good enough. Now as someone who was very close to both of them I can say that he was definitely not seeing things clearly. With what I’ve read about Deida’s principles, I would say that the H was looking toward his W to take the initiative to fix everything for him, to “give” him purpose in his life and to give him his masculinity. When what would have been better for him (and her AND the marriage) would have been for him to look at himself and to see what things he could control on his own. And understand that if you spoke to him he would be adamant that he had done all of the work in their relationship and it was all his wife’s fault that things weren’t working. Now I will admit that the wife wasn’t perfect by any means but then again NO ONE is. And some of the great qualities that she has and he took for granted will be very hard to find in any other woman. She actually saw him for who he was flaws and all and adored him! She just didn’t show it in the exact way that he wanted and by the time she realized it, he was closed off to the possibility of seeing change in her and she was definitely changing. That’s the saddest part of watching so many marriages end is seeing that a spouse is really ready to change and wants to but the other has so firmly made up their mind that nothing can be done to change their mind that their W or H is hopelessly LD, insensitive, uncaring, not right for them, making the miserable, not making them happy, etc. Some people act as if it’s someone else’s job to make ourselves happy, satisfied, etc.
What I don’t get about people like you is how things always seem to get to 2 choices that are “conveniently” out of your control. You are unhappy with your wife and the only way for things to change is for HER to change them or you could leave the marriage but that isn’t acceptable either. So I guess you have to sit there in a miserable marriage. WHY? You keeps stressing that Deida’s approach might work but that there is no guarantee. But if you do nothing, I can GUARANTEE that things won’t get any better for you or the marriage. It seems like working on yourself at least gives you a chance.
It is a big pet peeve of mine that so many people abdicate the power in their relationships to other people. Why? Okay so my issue is that I tend to accept more blame for things that probably aren’t my fault and there are plenty of downsides to that issue. But at least I don’t have to sit around and wait for everyone else to fix themselves before we can have a good marriage, friendship, work relationship, family relationship, etc. Maybe there are cases where I beat my head against the wall because it isn’t really all my fault. But I can tell you this that even when that happens and the relationship doesn’t improve, I STILL COME OUT BETTER THAN WHEN I STARTED.
Again I don’t mean to be too harsh but this has become a very personal thing for me because of how often I seem to see this scenario playing out. It’s very interesting but if you look at the happiest people you know I think it becomes clear that they are usually the people that don’t look for others to prop them up. They are also the people that are most realistic about themselves too. They aren’t egotistical and demanding and they aren’t insecure and shrinking.
Wow… Sorry this became kind of a rant. Just venting I guess because it’s still so hard to see my friends’ marriage over. My friend is making the best of her “new” life and is doing well but it’s still painful for her. And I also feel like I lost a friend in her husband. They were always one of those great couples that I could call and whoever answered the phone I could talk to because they were so close to me and each other. Selfishly I feel sadness for myself as well as them. Cannot even imagine what it feels like for children to lose that feeling!
I’d just ask that you be willing to open your mind to another possibility. That you could open your mind and do some work on yourself without expectations about how your wife should respond and just do this for yourself right now. Give it a month or two or however long you can stand it and then see how your wife responds. One question I have about your marriage. How does your wife feel about your marriage? Is she “happy” at least as far as you know? If so, then I especially think it’s your responsibility to try something new. My theory is that the person who has the issue is the one who is most responsible for change. For example, if I hate not having a floor swept and vacuumed regularly then I think it’s my responsibility to regularly clean it and not my partner's job no matter how crazy it drives me or how unhappy it makes me. Sure you could say that it would be nice if they helped out, I would appreciate it, it would show me how much they care, etc. But bottom line if a dirty floor bothers me more than them, it should be my responsibility. (True story because another friend of mine has a husband who hates dirt but she’s much more laid back in that department so he does the sweeping, vacuuming, etc.) My opinion of what’s healthy and what works.
Take all of this for what's it's worth to you. I just remain an optimist that most marriage problems are truly solvable if you're open minded enough to believe it.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
