Amen Bud I think successful DB techniques could be summed up in a few pages really and your post is a great start. Those of us who've been helped by DB (whether the R was saved or not) were helped by coming to the realization that we can't control others. If our life is going to change in a positive way and be a positive influence, change has to start with us. We need to stop focusing/blaming our S and accept responsibility for changing ourselves within the R and hope those changes will bring about positive change in the R too. I've never made progress by focusing on what J is doing wrong or striving to change him. That's when the backslides happen. I'm finding though that the more I live for me and meet my goals the happier I am. Still have some R problems, but the less time I spend relying on someone else to bring me fulfillment, the more time I spend find what fullfills me outside the R. Has been a slow and angry process for me, but worthwhile!
CeMar.. do you see what's being said? There isnt a book, a magic pill or anything that can be easily done by you that'll make your W HD. If it existed, I'd have spent my life savings on it to change my S. Don't drag your feet on getting out and making yourself happy - whatever that means. If you can't D.. well, then you can live in a R with a LD spouse. You've been doing that, so it's possible. All that remains is finding a way to be happy with the hand you've been dealt. If the facts are that you're not gonna D, your W isnt going to magically become HD, then what can you do for yourself to make each day fulfilling? It's a struggle, I know personally. I also "cannot" leave my R. I could, but I've made a decision not to because I love J and we've put our kids through too much to go down that road again. Having made that decision, the choice is clear.. be happy or do whatever it takes to get there, or be unhappy with my choice and kid myself that I can change my SO and "someday" life will be good again.
I think successful DB techniques could be summed up in a few pages really and your post is a great start. Those of us who've been helped by DB (whether the R was saved or not) were helped by coming to the realization that we can't control others. If our life is going to change in a positive way and be a positive influence, change has to start with us. We need to stop focusing/blaming our S and accept responsibility for changing ourselves within the R and hope those changes will bring about positive change in the R too. I've never made progress by focusing on what J is doing wrong or striving to change him. That's when the backslides happen. I'm finding though that the more I live for me and meet my goals the happier I am. Still have some R problems, but the less time I spend relying on someone else to bring me fulfillment, the more time I spend find what fullfills me outside the R. Has been a slow and angry process for me, but worthwhile!