I cannot take this ALIEN anymore!!!

[Lizarina]

I know what you all mean - I want hope so badly. After all the nonsense he's put me through, I still love him to death. I've been searching for success stories for people who were in my "situation" - meaning separated for over a year with no children and little to no contact. I start to read the successes (and I know that success doesn't mean getting back together - it means surviving this mess) and get really frustrated because I feel like the possibility of my H and I getting back together is slim to none. It's almost a lost cause. It's at that point that I start feeling like throwing in the the towel. But by throwing in the towel, I don't mean writing him off forever. I mean opening myself up to the possibility of being with someone else. If he can get himself together before someone else snatches me up, then so be it. I guess at the end of the day I may be more afraid of being alone than being without him. I don't know...it's just all so awful. He's the only person I've ever dated in my life. I don't know what is more disconcerting - being without him or getting into the dating scene. Plus, I was watching an episode of The Office (the American version) the other day and one of the characters mentioned rebound relationships. He said that they are a great distraction, but in the end all you're left to think about is the one that you really love - the one that broke your heart. Maybe this all sounds very naive because I've only been in one relationship, but will the rest of my relationships be a constant comparison to the wonderful relationship I had with my H? That is, until the body snatchers arrived? My parents were divorced and my dad has been hung up on my mom ever since. He remarried, but said to my mom that if she'd just say the word, he'd basically dump my step-mother and take her back. Is that what life is like after heartbreak? Cause that blows. It isn't fair to anyone.

GAH!! I guess it's just a rollercoaster ride that won't end until I definitively decide to get off for good. And I can already tell that it won't be a decision I make any time soon. That is, unless George Clooney decides he is a one-woman man and that woman is me. So, like I said, not any time soon.

Oh, and I'm glad you enjoyed the Spendy McSpenderson. I use that little name in many different ways - Snarky McSnarkerson, Baldy McBalderson, etc. I make it fit - even it that means giving the name A-Hole McA-Holerson. LOL.

But to come back full circle, now that Friday is officially over, I'm just going to sit tight and let him do what he will about the divorce. If George comes knocking (I honestly don't know why I keep using him as an example - I don't really think he's all that appealing. I hope neither he nor anyone he knows is a member here ), I might change my mind and want to get a divorce myself. As it stands now, I don't. And it seems like he really doesn't either since he doesn't want me to do it for free AND he hasn't had his attorney do any work in a year. I have to believe that if he wanted it, he'd find a way to do it. Although, maybe in his eyes it doesn't matter to him whether he's divorced or not - he's already told me that he's slept with someone else. The only thing that would change his mind is if he wanted to remarry.

Okay...enough. I think I'm going to take a bath, climb into my bed and pray to not think about it anymore. It's all in God's hands now.