I cannot take this ALIEN anymore!!!

[Lizarina]

I'm so done with this whole situation. I'm frustrated beyond belief!!!

Background: My H moved out a year and a half ago after becoming extremely (admitted by him) depressed. He just turned 34 and said "I just thought I would have accomplished so much more in my life by now." At the same time his brother was diagnosed with cancer. My H cut off all contact with his friends and family, including his brother who then died. To this day, he’s never talked to any of his friends or family again. When he got back from the funeral, though, he begged me to start going to counseling. Unfortunately, he wouldn't nail down a date. By the time we got to a session, he said the only reason he was doing it was because he "owed it to me." He wouldn't go back after the first session (which was uneventful). He then filed for divorce. Here's where we come into the current frustration...

He filed in March of 2006 and then proceeded to do nothing about it. I would have just done nothing as well (in hopes of him changing his mind), but then he became a financial train wreck. I needed to protect myself. He had "traded services" (he's a personal trainer) with a lawyer client of his who was willing to help us both out since it would be a simple divorce. With the help of one of the lawyers at my office, I filled out my response and my financial papers. So...it's now been 9 months and he hasn't done anything more. I've forwarded him the financial papers and told him he can use mine as an example for his, blah, blah, blah. Oh, I forgot to say that he moved away four months ago and e-mailed me saying that he can't communicate with me anymore. It's too hard for him and he has to "take care of himself." He e-mailed me (finally) in response to a phone call I made regarding his creditors calling me again. He said that if it were up to him, we’d sign the papers tomorrow, but he doesn’t have the money to pay for the attorney. After more weeks passed, I called the attorney and asked her a few questions about the paperwork. I had paid the filing fee for her to file my response 4 months ago. She cashed the check, but I found out she had never filed the document. She said she was waiting until she had a minute to talk to me about it. Can you say shiesty? I asked if there was anything I could do to facilitate the process. Long story short, she basically asked me to do all the paperwork but still pay her. I decided to make a proposal to my H. He could chose from one of the following:

1) I will take care of the entire thing with the help of one of the attorneys here at my office. They’ll do it free of charge as well. The only thing is that he’d HAVE to respond to any questions I have and have to meet to sign papers. I’m not going to waste the time of someone offering their help because he doesn’t feel he’s “able” to deal with this.

OR

2) He can pay his attorney to finish the process without any help from me. I’m not going to pester her to hurry along something that I didn’t want in the first place. And I’m not going to do her job for her. If he wants this divorce, he’ll find both the time and the money to get it done.

I knew that he was going to be PISSED about it because neither choice is what he wants – to pretend that our marriage never existed. He has to actually *do* something. I told him that I’d give him a week to decide and that if he hadn’t gotten back to me by then, I’d just assume he wanted option #2. I also told him that if he chose #1 and then become unresponsive, he was on his own.

Now, I know this could all backfire in my face, but I felt like it was time for me to stop catering to him and his bullcrap. If he wants this stupid divorce, then why is me who has to light a fire under the attorney? If he TRULY wanted it, he’d do it. I feel like he almost wants to be the victim now in a way. Honestly, I just don't get it. I try and try to figure out the motivation and there's just no understanding insanity. BUT, here is the source of my irritation now - WHY CAN’T HE E-MAIL ME BACK AND TELL ME HIS CHOICE? Why is everything so difficult? People get divorced all the time and it doesn’t have to be like this nonsense. I’m being nothing but nice, so why is he dropping the ball? Maybe it would be easier for him if I were mean, but my attitude makes him feel more guilty or something. All I know is that he makes me so angry that I could scream.

I know this was a novel. I just feel the need to vent to people who can feel my pain…

[a new 2moro]

Do YOU want this divorce????? MLC ers often file and then do nothing....wishing mine was going to be the case but I dont think so.

[Lizarina]

Honestly, I just don't know anymore. In a perfect world, I don't want to get divorced. But all of this would all be a moot point if he didn't become Spendy McSpenderson and decide to stop paying his bills. As much as I want to be with him again some day, I'm worried that the prospect will cause me to put myself second and let him screw me over financially. Also, sometimes I feel like I need to move on because as it stands right now, he doesn't want me. I have to take his words at face value - he doesn't love me. Hell, he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I'd like nothing more than to hang on, but at some point I need to come to grips with the fact that he may never want me back. At least if we get divorced, I might have a chance to find someone else some day. As much as I love my H, I do not want to hold myself back from life. Hopefully, the road leads me back to him and if necessary, we can get remarried.

Does that all sound crazy?

[Lizarina]

Well, today was his deadline and nothing. I'm just going to leave it. Financially he seems okay now and I don't want to push it, I guess. I'll just go dark at this point.

[unbroken]

I think leaving it alone and leaving him alone to his own thoughts is the best thing you can do at this point. He sounds very confused. Sometimes I think these MLCers are so confused that they try to weed out some things in their life so that they can try and figure out what is happening to them. I think they choose their spouses because we are the closest to them and since they don't have the capacity to look beyond their immediate troubles, they just choose the first thing they see...us, the LBS. We're there everyday, naturally (to them) we cause them the most pain, it's the most visible. It's all their simplistic little minds can handle right now.

Ya know how you have a bad day at work or something...the pressure builds and builds all throughout the day...then, you come home...you walk in the house, the dog is barking to go out, the phone starts ringing, there's someone at the door who wants to sell you some candy you know you don't need and all you can think about is getting to the bathroom before an accident happens...then, your 5 year old asks you for a snack...and you SNAP...you say, "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY"!!! Oops!

I know you don't have kids, but I'm sure you can relate in some way. The point is you snap on the person you are closest to who deserves it the least. This is how I see the mind of the MLCer...it's confused, it's stressed, it's at the end of the rope...and who do they end up taking it out on???...their spouse....all we did is ask them for a snack and they just SNAPPED.

I think it's a good sign that your H has not filed. My H told me in October he wanted D and we started filing in November and he follows up with L on a regular basis to find out when everything will be done...rush, rush, rush. However, this is not all about him, this is about you too!!! You have every right to decide if you want to hold on and ride this rollercoaster. If you want to, we will be here for you...sitting right next to you...going through the same loops...sometimes you're screaming because it's scary and sometimes it will slow down and give you a moment to catch your breath before you hit that next big drop. You have every right to get off at the next stop though. You're in control.

[hopefloats7]

But all of this would all be a moot point if he didn't become Spendy McSpenderson

Ok, I know your post was made in all seriousness, but this has handed me a good laugh that I NEEDED tonight! Spendy McSpenderson indeed! That was pretty funny!

To answer your question, no, it is NOT crazy and I totally understand how you feel. I was faced with this, too...H racking up debt and us still married; it was too dangerous to remain like that, esp. with him not wanting to work on our marriage. We are legally sep. now and I am protected but I still don't really want a divorce. All I can tell you is that I eventually had to seriously weigh all parts and come up with what was best for me...even if it was a step closer to a D. In the end, I know I did the right thing but I'm not saying it's for everyone. Come this summer, my H could file for a D. since we will have been sep. for one year. That scares me, but if by then he wants it that badly I guess I never stood a chance to be with him again. I pray you will figure out what's best for you, too. Just protect yourself...sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders!

[nodivorceplease]

Honestly, I just don't know anymore. In a perfect world, I don't want to get divorced. But all of this would all be a moot point if he didn't become Spendy McSpenderson and decide to stop paying his bills. As much as I want to be with him again some day, I'm worried that the prospect will cause me to put myself second and let him screw me over financially. Also, sometimes I feel like I need to move on because as it stands right now, he doesn't want me. I have to take his words at face value - he doesn't love me. Hell, he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I'd like nothing more than to hang on, but at some point I need to come to grips with the fact that he may never want me back. At least if we get divorced, I might have a chance to find someone else some day. As much as I love my H, I do not want to hold myself back from life. Hopefully, the road leads me back to him and if necessary, we can get remarried.

Does that all sound crazy?

Nope, you don't sound crazy at all. I find myself thinking those exact things sometimes. I go thru periods of wanting to save my M and I have days when I wonder why I am holding any hope. This is your journey and only you can decide what feels right for you. My H has not wanted anything to do with me since he left and I sometimes think I am wasting my time thinking it will ever be different. I had so much faith in him that maybe I just don't want to believe this is the way it has to end. It sounds to me like you are thinking very clearly.

Shelly

[Lizarina]

I know what you all mean - I want hope so badly. After all the nonsense he's put me through, I still love him to death. I've been searching for success stories for people who were in my "situation" - meaning separated for over a year with no children and little to no contact. I start to read the successes (and I know that success doesn't mean getting back together - it means surviving this mess) and get really frustrated because I feel like the possibility of my H and I getting back together is slim to none. It's almost a lost cause. It's at that point that I start feeling like throwing in the the towel. But by throwing in the towel, I don't mean writing him off forever. I mean opening myself up to the possibility of being with someone else. If he can get himself together before someone else snatches me up, then so be it. I guess at the end of the day I may be more afraid of being alone than being without him. I don't know...it's just all so awful. He's the only person I've ever dated in my life. I don't know what is more disconcerting - being without him or getting into the dating scene. Plus, I was watching an episode of The Office (the American version) the other day and one of the characters mentioned rebound relationships. He said that they are a great distraction, but in the end all you're left to think about is the one that you really love - the one that broke your heart. Maybe this all sounds very naive because I've only been in one relationship, but will the rest of my relationships be a constant comparison to the wonderful relationship I had with my H? That is, until the body snatchers arrived? My parents were divorced and my dad has been hung up on my mom ever since. He remarried, but said to my mom that if she'd just say the word, he'd basically dump my step-mother and take her back. Is that what life is like after heartbreak? Cause that blows. It isn't fair to anyone.

GAH!! I guess it's just a rollercoaster ride that won't end until I definitively decide to get off for good. And I can already tell that it won't be a decision I make any time soon. That is, unless George Clooney decides he is a one-woman man and that woman is me. So, like I said, not any time soon.

Oh, and I'm glad you enjoyed the Spendy McSpenderson. I use that little name in many different ways - Snarky McSnarkerson, Baldy McBalderson, etc. I make it fit - even it that means giving the name A-Hole McA-Holerson. LOL.

But to come back full circle, now that Friday is officially over, I'm just going to sit tight and let him do what he will about the divorce. If George comes knocking (I honestly don't know why I keep using him as an example - I don't really think he's all that appealing. I hope neither he nor anyone he knows is a member here ), I might change my mind and want to get a divorce myself. As it stands now, I don't. And it seems like he really doesn't either since he doesn't want me to do it for free AND he hasn't had his attorney do any work in a year. I have to believe that if he wanted it, he'd find a way to do it. Although, maybe in his eyes it doesn't matter to him whether he's divorced or not - he's already told me that he's slept with someone else. The only thing that would change his mind is if he wanted to remarry.

Okay...enough. I think I'm going to take a bath, climb into my bed and pray to not think about it anymore. It's all in God's hands now.

[Bworl]

Liza,

Hi. First time to your thread.

I'm going to take a different approach to your situation, based on what's going on and how I perceive you to feel about it. If I'm off base somewhere, let me know.

I believe that you should proceed with the divorce from your end. Get yourself an attorney and get this done, and I really think you need to get it done NOW. This man, if he is being irresponsible financially, is going to impact your life in more than emotional ways otherwise. I say this also because I detect in you a readiness to move on to a certain extent. Which brings me to my second point.

It's ok to get to a point where you are ready to move on.

I feel like the possibility of my H and I getting back together is slim to none. It's almost a lost cause. It's at that point that I start feeling like throwing in the the towel. But by throwing in the towel, I don't mean writing him off forever. I mean opening myself up to the possibility of being with someone else. If he can get himself together before someone else snatches me up, then so be it.

Separation of over a year, no contact from H, not even any contact when you try to contact him for BUSINESS. Not something that you have to endure forever. But I think he deserves to know this. I know that's a bit upsetting, because he has not extended the same courtesy, but then we are not THEM.

Most people around here don't want to say things like this out loud. But it's not sacriligous to suggest that there be a limit to our pain and emptiness. Just make sure that you have reached out to him before you go. Give him a chance to realize that you are dropping the rope so to speak, just in case that scares him.

Sorry for your situation. Really I am.

Blessings,

Bill

[Lizarina]

Wow - I cannot tell you how much I truly appreciated your post.

It's ok to get to a point where you are ready to move on.

I think I am.

Most people around here don't want to say things like this out loud. But it's not sacriligous to suggest that there be a limit to our pain and emptiness.

You're so right. The last time I saw him, I told him (in a very non-emotional way) that if he decides he wants to work on things some day, I'm always here. That is, unless I'm with someone else. I told him that I want him to know that and that I will never say it again to him. So he knows where I stand. That ball is in his court. As much as I don't want this to be over, our old relationship is over. We may have a new one some day, but this one is dead and gone. I have to take what he says at face value - he doesn't want me right now. I'm 34 years old and I don't want to wait around for him forever. I'm not closing myself off to the possibility of getting back together with him some day, but I'm not going to put all my eggs in that basket. I deserve to be happy and being in a relationship is something I want. Of course, the only way to get to that point is to get divorced.

Anyway, I truly appreciate your response. I hate to say this, but sometimes I feel that with my situation being what it is, maybe the best thing for me is to not be on these boards. Maybe I just need to move on and stop tethering myself to the situation. I think I'm ready now.