I also once believed in the saying “He who cares the least controls the relationship.” But I now only see this as a possibility, not a certainty. Pick up the book “Love Addiction” by Pia Mellody and you will see quite clearly that there is a pursuer/avoider role in many relationships. My wife is the avoider and usually acts like the one who cares the least. I have always been frustrated that she seemed to control the marriage, but I now believe this is just her way of self protection.
The pursuer feels abandoned by the avoider, but the avoider will also feel abandonment when the pursuer truly stops pursuing. It is the same dynamic as with other roles that couples play. They are all ways to avoid fear. If it is in fact true that your wife does not care about you and therefore controls the relationship, then you do have a problem. But how do you know that is true?
Have you ever tested your wife to really know how she would react if YOU abandoned HER? The book says that the avoider will feel abandonment when the pursuer truly stops the pursuit. That is because avoidance of the pursuer is a way of maintaining control. If the pursuit stops, control can no longer be exerted and the avoider will then feel a sense of panic.
Rigley’s recent discussions are a good case in point. He is showing us how the avoider thinks. Though he is pursuing now, before he was the avoider. His wife was trying to get his attention and he basically ignored her (not saying you did so intentionally, Rig). Once his wife stopped the pursuit, made it clear to him that she was serious about leaving, he lost the security of being pursued and began to panic.
I think the better adage is the person with the lower TOLERANCE for abandonment controls the relationship. Perhaps your wives just have a lower threshold of detachment before their abandonment fears kick in. Over the years they have come to learn that your threshold is much higher and that you will come around like clockwork before she has to really worry about your leaving, do you think? So that way of thinking “He who cares the least controls the relationship” is really putting on a self imposed straight jacket. Stand up to her and take some action.
