It just finally hit me. I don't think I really completely got it til after the fact, til after I started getting what I thought I needed.
All along as good things happened they were really good...but never good enough! And because of that I thought there was something wrong. But there was nothing wrong. It was just that, even though I had done a pretty good job of the DB stuff, deep in the back of my mind somewhere was always this hope of some kind of "shangri-la" experience when everything REALLY clicked.
And it just never really happened that way.
So it hit me. The things I thought I needed/wanted/whatever were conjured up by the OLD me and sort of hung around and kind of whispered in the ears of the NEW me occasionally.
But the new me couldn't really buy it cause the new me doesn't really need it anymore.
I want it. I love sharing it.
But what is really satisfying is the sense of independence and strength. It blows everything else out of the water. It blows away anything my W can give me as well.
However, it makes sharing with my W much sweeter.
I just think it's really important for folks who are in the midst of this to realize that even if your S throws themselves at your feet and swears undying love and passion for you...it STILL won't be enough, because OUR problems are really WITHIN OURSELVES.
My W told me that I made her see that something that she thought was impossible was actually possible. And I did it not by whining, crying, being angry, arguing, or insulting her.
I did it by letting go, not of her, because we never really "have" someone else anyway, but releasing all the negativity that was making me clutch at her, by quietly finding strength and going about doing good things, quietly and sincerely, to the best of my ability. It really is all about dropping the rope. I didn't have to feign distance, coldness, anything else, because all that is simply manipulation anyway if you're honest with yourself.
And in my case it also allowed me to be honest and direct about my feelings for my wife, to my wife, occasionally verbally, but usually through actions...with an occasional word or two if appropriate.
All along I thought the goal was to quit being a problem in my marriage, and that IS important. But what we REALLY need to do is stop being a problem for OURSELVES. Once we do that, everything seems to click on its own.
But when I started getting what I wanted, and it wasn't enough, or it didn't "feel" right, or whatever, I thought it meant I didn't care anymore, didn't love my wife, or thought it meant I "intuitively" knew she was yanking my chain. ALL WRONG!
What I think it means is that, just a few weeks shy of my 40th birthday, I may have finally grown up.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
