Thanks so much, Whatisis! It's so nice to see a post from you again. Thank you so much for the encouragement.

Okay. So I'm absolutely exhausted right now and can hardly type but need help, so bear with me. And, this WILL be a long post.

So last night H and I went to a gathering of folks in the same profession as us. There were probably 150 people there. I did what I said I would as far as not contacting him all day, dressed up nice, and only ran into him at the apartments a few minutes before the meeting.

At the meeting, he was standing behind me and started rubbing my shoulders! I went numb and just basked in the moment. I reached up and grabbed one of his hands, and he let go. Then he started again a few minutes later and rubbed my shoulders for quite some time. It was so nice.

Then, we actually received an award as a couple, one of the most prestigous awards of the night. I was so honored and at the same time so torn apart. It was all I could do to keep it together.

We had a nice time at the get-together, and then afterwards, I think it was about midnight, a few of the folks wanted to see the projects we're working on, so we showed them and were there until around 1 am or so. We both had some to drink - I was a bit fuzzy, but H seemed to me to be okay.

We then parted ways. He gave me two really nice hugs before we left, and I drove off quickly, as I couldn't bear to watch his car drive "in the other direction" from mine.

I was feeling really good that I thought we had made more "baby steps" last night and was having a nice drive home. I was really hungry and stopped to get a cheeseburger on the way home. Then, when I pulled into the driveway, I could hardly believe my eyes - as his car was there! I walked in the door, and he had placed the award that we received on the floor at the top of the stairs for me to see when I walked in. I then completely lost it and burst into tears.

I went upstairs, and he was in our bed. He was awake and just looking at me. I went numb again - didn't know what to say or do.

I'm sure I'm going to get some of what was said in the wrong order or not exactly right, as I was so far in a fog and I'm having a hard time retaining it all. But I knelt by his side of the bed and put my head down on the bed and just cried and cried. He just sat there and rubbed my hair. He told me to get in bed. I asked him if he was home for good and (uh-oh), he said he still has a few things to take care of (I knew he hadn't planned on coming home last night). I asked him why he was home, and he said something like that we had received this award (from someone we both respect very, very much). I told him that that was an award for us as "business partners." He sat there for a moment and then said "you're still in my heart," at which point I lost it even further.

He told me he was home because he wanted to be home and asked if I didn't want him to be home. I told him that of course I wanted him to be home but that I was just confused because I thought he wasn't going to come home until he has resolved things with OW.

I told him how very sorry I was, and he said he knew and that he was sorry, too. I asked him if he still wanted to work on our marriage, and he said yes.

I asked him what he wanted me to do, and he said he wanted me to do what I wanted to do, and we went back and forth with that for a while. I felt that since he was the one who came home that I wanted to make sure I was honoring his "boundaries." I told him that I wanted to ML to him but that I didn't know if it would be best to wait until he had resolved things with OW. He thought for a moment and said he wanted to hold me all night.

So I started getting undressed and felt really awkward - what do I wear? I asked him if he wanted me to put on a shirt or something, and he said no. So I crawled into our bed (what an amazing feeling - I've been sleeping in the guest bedroom and have refused to sleep in "our" bed until he comes home and I can sleep there with him).

We snuggled for a few minutes, and then things started to heat up. I asked him if that's what he wanted, and he said yes. I told him that I knew he'd told me that he wanted to wait until he got that part of his heart back from OW. He stopped and started snuggling with me again.

Then I didn't know what to do. I didn't want him to think that I didn't WANT to be with him, and at the same time I wanted to do the RIGHT thing, for both of our sakes. I made the decision to continue what was started, and we ML. I asked him a few times if that's what he wanted, and he said yes.

It was a bit awkward, and I would expect nothing less, but it was still so nice just to be with him. He fell asleep, and of course I'm so exhausted but also have a spinning crazy mind and can't even think of going to sleep at that point.

I decided that I wanted to thank him for taking this step in a nice, non-pressure, non-threatening way, so I sat there and thought about what might be appropriate.

I got up and wrote him a simple, short note thanking him for everything and telling him to have a nice day and signed it "All my love, W." Then I went outside and left it on the windshield of his car for him to find in the morning.

I took a sleep aid and finally dozed off. I woke up again a few hours later to the sound of the alarm going off. H snoozed it several times, and then we ML again. Then we both fell back asleep, and he got up a few hours later and showered. He told me goodbye and brought in the stuffed animal I've been sleeping with in his absence and put it on my chest.

I got up a little later and got ready to go the gym. I thought about what 1210 said about making sure to keep doing what I've been doing so that he doesn't think it was short-lived, so I decided to go about my normal day of working out and making sure that I dressed up nice.

I went out to my car to go to the gym, and he left me a note in my car! He thanked me for everything as well and told me to call him later to "let him know how my day was going." That in and of itself was a huge step for him. Then, the heartbreaker, he wrote "P.S. I'm sure you know that I love you." Oh, yes, tears flowing. (Although I'm of course ecstatic and overwhelmed at these wonderful words, I'm still not sure what to make of them, as he's given me the old "I love you but am not in love with you" line.) What do you make of this?

I regained composure and thought about what I should do. I didn't want to call him a blubbering mess (pressure), so waited a while and called him, got his voicemail (probably for the best) and quickly said that I was just calling to thank him for the nice note and that it meant a lot to me and that I would talk to him later.

He called me back a few minutes later and thanked me for the note I left as well and was very pleasant, asking me what I was doing. Then he asked me some business questions and kept me on the phone for longer than normal.

He then asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with him today to further discuss the business items! Again, we do go to lunch/dinner to discuss business, but lately it's been when I ask, so it was huge for him to ask me. My heart raced.

We ended up just grabbing separate lunches and meeting at the apartments and had a nice meeting. I knew that it was vital today that unless he brought it up I not say ANYTHING at all about the R or the OW. And I didn't.

When I left, I asked him if he had anything else for me (meaning business items), and he said just a hug, and gave me a big hug. Then we parted.

I saw him again tonight on my way home briefly, as we ran into each other in the apartment parking lot. He asked me if I was done with my appointments for the day, and I told him that I was on my way to the doctor but was done at the apartments. He asked me why I was going, and I told him. Then he said if I got any more calls for showings at the apartments that he would be there for another hour I think he said and to just let him know. It was nice of him to offer to help.

I then told him I'd see him later and drove off.

It's now almost 11:30 - no H yet tonight. He did tell me last night when I asked him if he was home for good that he still had a few things to take care of, so I knew things weren't resolved yet. I guess I didn't know what to expect next, and as much as I wanted to ask, I knew I just couldn't and needed to just keep DBing and give him his space to do this how he needs to do it - so very hard and heartbreaking for me.

I of course hoped that after having such a nice night and morning together and pleasant interactions today that he would go rushing over there tonight and resolve things once and for all and come home. At the same time, I knew it was important to prepare myself that that may not happen and that we might be going back to the waiting game again, for maybe just tonight or maybe weeks, maybe more. I just don't know.

So today I just focused on being cautiously optimistic and hopeful and realistic at the same time, telling myself that I just have to focus on what a wonderful time we had and that it hopefully was a huge step for us and that I just have to take whatever happens next and keep DBing, whatever that might entail.

I doubt he'll come home tonight since it's getting so late but don't know for sure. I'm upset, sad, excited, confused, elated, and utterly exhausted...

So, here are my questions:

Did I do the right thing last night? It was so important to me to show him that I wanted to please him and that he wasn't coming back to the "old me." I did NOT do the initial initiating whatsoever. He was in our bed and asked me to join him. I was so torn and hope I made the right decision...

Do you think I did the right things today?

WHAT IN THE CRAP DO I DO NOW?!?!?!?!? Do I just keep doing what I was doing before last night and not act any differently? I feel so hurt that he could be with me last night and be with her tonight - I feel blessed that he came home and now hurt, too. Even though he told me it was not completely taken care of (I'm glad he didn't lie to me), it still stings, if that makes sense.

PLEASE HELP! I don't want to mess this up.

Last question: What do you make of what he did last night? I thought about whether it was partly alcohol induced but honestly don't think he was drunk (I probably was more loopy than he was but was basically fine by the time we left to actually drive home last night).

Are the things he did and is doing good signs do you think? Was I wrong to allow last night to happen? Since it did happen, am I supposed to do anything differently than what I was doing before?

HELP!