H CAME HOME LAST NIGHT and stayed the night at home!
I'm still in shock and feel like I've been hit by that proverbial 2X4. I have to run and will post more later today with the details and to ask for advice... But I wanted to at least post quickly to let you all know and to thank you so very much for all you've done to help and encourage me.
I'm in a fog right now and can't really think clearly - full of emotions and feeling very, very weak, yet my heart is so full. The night was wonderful, and I can't wait to tell you about it. However, this is so very far from over.... More later. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!
Thanks, 1210, for your post and your continued honesty and advice. Thanks, Virginia, for the link.
Thanks so much, Whatisis! It's so nice to see a post from you again. Thank you so much for the encouragement.
Okay. So I'm absolutely exhausted right now and can hardly type but need help, so bear with me. And, this WILL be a long post.
So last night H and I went to a gathering of folks in the same profession as us. There were probably 150 people there. I did what I said I would as far as not contacting him all day, dressed up nice, and only ran into him at the apartments a few minutes before the meeting.
At the meeting, he was standing behind me and started rubbing my shoulders! I went numb and just basked in the moment. I reached up and grabbed one of his hands, and he let go. Then he started again a few minutes later and rubbed my shoulders for quite some time. It was so nice.
Then, we actually received an award as a couple, one of the most prestigous awards of the night. I was so honored and at the same time so torn apart. It was all I could do to keep it together.
We had a nice time at the get-together, and then afterwards, I think it was about midnight, a few of the folks wanted to see the projects we're working on, so we showed them and were there until around 1 am or so. We both had some to drink - I was a bit fuzzy, but H seemed to me to be okay.
We then parted ways. He gave me two really nice hugs before we left, and I drove off quickly, as I couldn't bear to watch his car drive "in the other direction" from mine.
I was feeling really good that I thought we had made more "baby steps" last night and was having a nice drive home. I was really hungry and stopped to get a cheeseburger on the way home. Then, when I pulled into the driveway, I could hardly believe my eyes - as his car was there! I walked in the door, and he had placed the award that we received on the floor at the top of the stairs for me to see when I walked in. I then completely lost it and burst into tears.
I went upstairs, and he was in our bed. He was awake and just looking at me. I went numb again - didn't know what to say or do.
I'm sure I'm going to get some of what was said in the wrong order or not exactly right, as I was so far in a fog and I'm having a hard time retaining it all. But I knelt by his side of the bed and put my head down on the bed and just cried and cried. He just sat there and rubbed my hair. He told me to get in bed. I asked him if he was home for good and (uh-oh), he said he still has a few things to take care of (I knew he hadn't planned on coming home last night). I asked him why he was home, and he said something like that we had received this award (from someone we both respect very, very much). I told him that that was an award for us as "business partners." He sat there for a moment and then said "you're still in my heart," at which point I lost it even further.
He told me he was home because he wanted to be home and asked if I didn't want him to be home. I told him that of course I wanted him to be home but that I was just confused because I thought he wasn't going to come home until he has resolved things with OW.
I told him how very sorry I was, and he said he knew and that he was sorry, too. I asked him if he still wanted to work on our marriage, and he said yes.
I asked him what he wanted me to do, and he said he wanted me to do what I wanted to do, and we went back and forth with that for a while. I felt that since he was the one who came home that I wanted to make sure I was honoring his "boundaries." I told him that I wanted to ML to him but that I didn't know if it would be best to wait until he had resolved things with OW. He thought for a moment and said he wanted to hold me all night.
So I started getting undressed and felt really awkward - what do I wear? I asked him if he wanted me to put on a shirt or something, and he said no. So I crawled into our bed (what an amazing feeling - I've been sleeping in the guest bedroom and have refused to sleep in "our" bed until he comes home and I can sleep there with him).
We snuggled for a few minutes, and then things started to heat up. I asked him if that's what he wanted, and he said yes. I told him that I knew he'd told me that he wanted to wait until he got that part of his heart back from OW. He stopped and started snuggling with me again.
Then I didn't know what to do. I didn't want him to think that I didn't WANT to be with him, and at the same time I wanted to do the RIGHT thing, for both of our sakes. I made the decision to continue what was started, and we ML. I asked him a few times if that's what he wanted, and he said yes.
It was a bit awkward, and I would expect nothing less, but it was still so nice just to be with him. He fell asleep, and of course I'm so exhausted but also have a spinning crazy mind and can't even think of going to sleep at that point.
I decided that I wanted to thank him for taking this step in a nice, non-pressure, non-threatening way, so I sat there and thought about what might be appropriate.
I got up and wrote him a simple, short note thanking him for everything and telling him to have a nice day and signed it "All my love, W." Then I went outside and left it on the windshield of his car for him to find in the morning.
I took a sleep aid and finally dozed off. I woke up again a few hours later to the sound of the alarm going off. H snoozed it several times, and then we ML again. Then we both fell back asleep, and he got up a few hours later and showered. He told me goodbye and brought in the stuffed animal I've been sleeping with in his absence and put it on my chest.
I got up a little later and got ready to go the gym. I thought about what 1210 said about making sure to keep doing what I've been doing so that he doesn't think it was short-lived, so I decided to go about my normal day of working out and making sure that I dressed up nice.
I went out to my car to go to the gym, and he left me a note in my car! He thanked me for everything as well and told me to call him later to "let him know how my day was going." That in and of itself was a huge step for him. Then, the heartbreaker, he wrote "P.S. I'm sure you know that I love you." Oh, yes, tears flowing. (Although I'm of course ecstatic and overwhelmed at these wonderful words, I'm still not sure what to make of them, as he's given me the old "I love you but am not in love with you" line.) What do you make of this?
I regained composure and thought about what I should do. I didn't want to call him a blubbering mess (pressure), so waited a while and called him, got his voicemail (probably for the best) and quickly said that I was just calling to thank him for the nice note and that it meant a lot to me and that I would talk to him later.
He called me back a few minutes later and thanked me for the note I left as well and was very pleasant, asking me what I was doing. Then he asked me some business questions and kept me on the phone for longer than normal.
He then asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with him today to further discuss the business items! Again, we do go to lunch/dinner to discuss business, but lately it's been when I ask, so it was huge for him to ask me. My heart raced.
We ended up just grabbing separate lunches and meeting at the apartments and had a nice meeting. I knew that it was vital today that unless he brought it up I not say ANYTHING at all about the R or the OW. And I didn't.
When I left, I asked him if he had anything else for me (meaning business items), and he said just a hug, and gave me a big hug. Then we parted.
I saw him again tonight on my way home briefly, as we ran into each other in the apartment parking lot. He asked me if I was done with my appointments for the day, and I told him that I was on my way to the doctor but was done at the apartments. He asked me why I was going, and I told him. Then he said if I got any more calls for showings at the apartments that he would be there for another hour I think he said and to just let him know. It was nice of him to offer to help.
I then told him I'd see him later and drove off.
It's now almost 11:30 - no H yet tonight. He did tell me last night when I asked him if he was home for good that he still had a few things to take care of, so I knew things weren't resolved yet. I guess I didn't know what to expect next, and as much as I wanted to ask, I knew I just couldn't and needed to just keep DBing and give him his space to do this how he needs to do it - so very hard and heartbreaking for me.
I of course hoped that after having such a nice night and morning together and pleasant interactions today that he would go rushing over there tonight and resolve things once and for all and come home. At the same time, I knew it was important to prepare myself that that may not happen and that we might be going back to the waiting game again, for maybe just tonight or maybe weeks, maybe more. I just don't know.
So today I just focused on being cautiously optimistic and hopeful and realistic at the same time, telling myself that I just have to focus on what a wonderful time we had and that it hopefully was a huge step for us and that I just have to take whatever happens next and keep DBing, whatever that might entail.
I doubt he'll come home tonight since it's getting so late but don't know for sure. I'm upset, sad, excited, confused, elated, and utterly exhausted...
So, here are my questions:
Did I do the right thing last night? It was so important to me to show him that I wanted to please him and that he wasn't coming back to the "old me." I did NOT do the initial initiating whatsoever. He was in our bed and asked me to join him. I was so torn and hope I made the right decision...
Do you think I did the right things today?
WHAT IN THE CRAP DO I DO NOW?!?!?!?!? Do I just keep doing what I was doing before last night and not act any differently? I feel so hurt that he could be with me last night and be with her tonight - I feel blessed that he came home and now hurt, too. Even though he told me it was not completely taken care of (I'm glad he didn't lie to me), it still stings, if that makes sense.
PLEASE HELP! I don't want to mess this up.
Last question: What do you make of what he did last night? I thought about whether it was partly alcohol induced but honestly don't think he was drunk (I probably was more loopy than he was but was basically fine by the time we left to actually drive home last night).
Are the things he did and is doing good signs do you think? Was I wrong to allow last night to happen? Since it did happen, am I supposed to do anything differently than what I was doing before?
I know you need advice quickly. I can't say that I have been in this position, because my STBX is probably not going to turn around, but...
Try to still remain detached if you can. Remember there is still the possibility of replay, but it does sound as if your H is coming out of it... I'm betting that it still will be hard for him to deal with OW. Feel everything you need to feel, but don't act needy!
Try to find something to pass the time as you have waiting ahead of you for who knows how long. Patience is key I think. Consider yourself lucky that he appears to want to come home and that you still want him home!
BluePoet (Knowing she wished that this sort of thing would happen months ago, but not sure exactly what she would do now that she sees how bad the R was for her...)
*M:50 WAH/PA:47 *M:29+ *Bomb:10/13/06 *Sep:10/17/06(me in house) *H wants D-11/30/06 *01/08/07- Me - NG, New R *2/26/07- filing of D *5/29/07- D final *08/25/07- Me - New R ends. - is ex-h living with OW? *D:32, S:24
Thanks so much for your advice, BluePoet. I really appreciate your posting to my thread.
Yesterday was a really hard day. I almost felt as if it was starting all over again, as it was so hard to have him come home for a night and then not come home again. At the same time, I keep catching myself and am working on focusing on all of the wonderful, positive things that have happened over the past week or so now. Things are really looking up, and I just have to keep working hard.
I really felt like I wanted to talk with him yesterday but didn't. I needed to be with him some just because, so I went over to see him a few times for business reasons. I did ask him about Hawaii, as I'm getting ready to make some final arrangements for that, and he said we're still on and that everything is on schedule still. I asked him something like whether he was upset (meaning about what had happened), and he said no. Then he changed the subject, so I just let it go. So just those few sentences were said about the R. Everything else yesterday was business. He did help me fix some things on my car and did call me once just to ask me about my car, so that was nice.
He went out with some friends last night and I'm sure had a nice time, which I'm really glad for. He did not come home, and that's okay... baby steps. Two months ago there is probably no way he would have ever come home and spent the night with me and have done and said such caring, hopeful things. And he's still saying Hawaii is a go, so I must keep looking towards that.
I do feel like that I myself took a backslide on this whole ordeal since Tuesday, as, like I said, it's almost like it started over again in a way. I know I need to focus on how wonderful things are going now, and I am catching myself and doing that. At the same time, it's just hard. I guess I just got my hopes up and am now sad that it's still not completely over. I hope it's normal to feel that way in some small way.
H just called me! It was to ask a business question, but we had a nice quick conversation. It's so good just to have him call me, for whatever reason, and to hear his voice...
Anyway, any continued advice would be so much appreciated. Yesterday was really hard, and today I'm feeling a little stronger again and am working towards giving him space and just being happy again. Today is a new day, and it is one day closer to our reconciliation.
You are doing so well. You are living proof that the DB principles work. Michelle says if something is working, keep doing it ... so that's where you are at now.
I don't think you can underestimate how torn H is right now. He's got himself in a pickle and he's trying to find a way out of it. He's a business man, so he'll be looking for a win-win or at least a best negotiated strategy. I guess that's where he is now.
You just have to hold firm. It might not hurt him to think that this is trying your patience and let him believe that if he leaves you dangling for too long, he might be too late to come back. I'll bet you guys have a sales strategy for that? You know, treat 'em like you don't care and you have plenty of other investors ready to make the sale. That kind of strategy is just as transferrable to matters of the heart.
Right now, he knows that you are 'waiting' for him and he feels confident in taking as long as he needs. What do you do when clients behave like that?
Just keep doing what is working. No R talk, back off, don't appear needy or clingy, no snooping and for goodness sake do some stuff for yourself. Keep going to the gym and increase the intensity of your workout (exercise, particularly cardio-vascular exercise is unbeatable for helping you on blue days - it's as good or better than anti-depressants), go to the movies with some girlfriends, enrol in golf lessons - anything - just get some quality things in your life that are just for you. Even when he comes home you are going to need activities to focus on so you dont' become consumed on the minutia of your domestic life.
Take care
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thanks so much, Virginia, for your support and nice words and advice. Even though I'm not doing everything perfect, what I AM doing has been so incredibly hard for me and so against my nature; it's nice to get some support for what I have done, even though it's not perfect... Your words really helped. Thank you.
You're right; I can't imagine what H is going through right now. Even though he has a "tough" exterior, he truly has such a big heart once he lets people in. I know he has been drifting away from me for years now in the physical sense, but at the same time, for him to have gone to this extreme to where we are at now... I know (or at least pray I guess) that this wasn't easy for him. And I know he doesn't like to hurt people. I can't remember whose thread I was reading the other day, but it talked about that it might be easier for the cheating spouse to hurt the W or H rather than the OP because there is a certain comfort level with the W or H whereas the new relationship with the OP is fresh and new and exciting - yada, yada - and there isn't that time element there and comfort level, possibly making it harder to hurt the OP than the W or H? That seems to make some sense and I think may be a bit of what is going on in our situation.
Plus, as you so correctly stated, he DOES know I'm waiting. Although I haven't fallen to my knees and said through tears that I will be here until the end of time for him, he knows that I will be - he knows where my heart is. So, you're right, even though I ask him about it every once in a while, there is no real "pressure" from me that if he doesn't take care of this soon, I'm outta here.
And I actually think about that a lot as far as what you mentioned about him leaving me dangling for too long... Is it absolutely killing me and tearing my heart out to know that my own H is sleeping with another woman every night and that I'm supposed to just wait until he's done? Absolutely. It's almost surreal. Sometimes I just sit here and think "what the heck am I doing - have I completely lost my mind and all respect for myself"? And then I resign myself to the fact that I contributed grately to this situation and put him through hell and that now it's my turn, that if I want him back and to save our marriage, this is the path that I apparently must take and that I must learn as much as I can along the way, as painful as it is.
So I think almost every day about going off the deep end and freaking out or even saying in a more productive, calm way that enough is enough, that if he's truly made up his mind that he is going to come back to me and work on our marriage, he needs to end it when her once and for all and get on with it. Believe me, I struggle and fight with those thoughts daily. I haven't read yet about anyone else who is exactly in my situation as far as S seeing OP, saying they want to work on M, but haven't given up OP yet. So I don't know if my situation is unique as far as that and any "twists" that might need to be taken... I know it's important when OP is involved to use last resort technique, detaching maybe, etc., but what about when H says they ARE committed to the M? I don't know...
At any rate, I keep fighting my want to tell him that for two reasons... One is that if I give him anything that even is close to an "ultimatum" right now, there is absolutely no way in heck that I could or would want to at this point follow through on it. Every ounce of my heart and soul wants our marriage to work, and I would lose all integrity by giving him anything resembling an ultimatum and then not following through on it if he didn't come through. Is there a way to do this that ISN'T an ultimatum? I don't know. I do know that something will need to be said or done if Hawaii backfires (more on that later in this post). The other reason I hesitate to do this is because I truly WANT him to come home because he wants to, not because I pressure him to and/or give him an ultimatum, etc. Now, I realize that when I talk about R and OW, etc., that that is a form of pressure in and of itself, but I'm talking more about flat out saying to him that this is it - get yourself together or I'm outta here. Even though I know it IS a form of pressure when I bring up R or OW whatsoever, I honestly work hard to keep it non-confrontational and just a form of reassurance for me. I know it's not good to ask for reassurances, but to have someone tell you they are coming back to you when the time is right... It's just so hard to keep holding on, and if I didn't feel like I was going through this hell with a light at the end of the tunnel... It just helps me to keep fighting to at least have him not falter and keep telling me that it's going to be okay. Now, granted, he could be not telling me the truth, but I just have to pray that he would not put me through this and keep telling me we are going to work on this and then change his mind at the last hour. It's certainly possible, but I pray that he would not do that to me. If he was telling me this whole time that he didn't know yet what he was going to do and was waffling and non-committing, I could understand more and wouldn't have such high expectations. But, again, I just hope he would not be telling me this this whole time and then back out of it on me... Please, God, don't let that happen...
As you know, he has told me things as far as time frames of telling her it was over several times now that he has not followed through on, so that obviously scares me a bit. And it could very well happen that Hawaii gets here (3 weeks from today ) and that he does the same thing of not following through with it. My heart tells me that won't happen (the business part of this trip is an expensive one that I don't think he would back out on, and we are making a special side trip to another island that we got engaged on before we go to the business part of the trip). In addition, tons of people know we are planning on going and are also going to be there, etc. It will be really uncomfortable to back out of it and tell everyone we are not going. However, everything is certainly able to be cancelled, and we can certainly tell people that something came up if needed - my heart just tells me that that is not going to happen, but maybe that is to protect myself right now.
Sorry to leave such a long post... I guess I have lots or feelings and thoughts tonight that needed to get out. Thank you for listening.
At any rate, I just keep counting down the days to Hawaii and keep telling myself that it's now only 3 weeks - I CAN make it that long without hopefully screwing up too much... I want to keep DBing the best I can and giving him space - at least until then. If that backfires and we don't go, he hasn't ended it by then, etc., I'm going to have to re-think this a bit. But for now, as much as I want to freak out and tell him "enough already," I really feel like I want to fight that and keep my composure and pray that by doing that and being happy and someone he wants to be around that he will come home soon on his own.
It felt so good the other night to have him come home and know that I didn't ask him to (well, you know I've ASKED him to in the past, but you know what I mean). It wasn't like I had begged with him that day to please end it that day and to please come home that night and that I couldn't take it anymore, etc. It was just "another day," and he chose to come home. He told me he WANTED to be home. That really meant a lot to me. Am I devastated that that was Tuesday and that it's now Friday and he's still not home? Wow, I can't even describe how torn up my heart has been the past few days over this - to have a taste of reconciliation and then have it torn away again is not something I can even put into words (well, I guess not torn away, as I hope and pray and believe in my heart that it's just a matter of time).
So, bottom line, is he probably putting me "on hold" and taking his time ending it with her because he wants to avoid conflict with her and knows I'm here waiting for him and doesn't feel an ultimatum from me, etc., to end it RIGHT NOW? I'm sure that's probably the case. Are things getting better between he and I and do I feel like we're at least moving in the right direction? Definitely. So hopefully that means that what I have been doing, though not perfect, has helped and that I should keep doing it, at least for now, with my end goal in mind of him truly coming home when he wants to, on his own terms. Now, again, if Hawaii backfires, I do plan on re-thinking my strategy. I think a serious talk of sorts WILL be in order then - I'm not sure how or what, etc., but something will need to happen. At this point, I don't even want to go there mentally - I'll deal with it then if I need to and for now keep focusing on the positive and counting down 3 weeks.
Well, I better close soon before I put you all to sleep...
Two more quick things to tell you:
1.) This morning I dropped off something for him and brought him breakfast as a surprise. He said "thank you, sweetie," which was nice. I hang on every nice thing he calls me... Then, he leaned over to kiss me on the cheek and I THINK said "I love you"! I couldn't believe my ears and am still not 100% positive that that is what he said (as I certainly wasnt' expecting THAT to come out of his mouth). I started to say something else and then realized what I THOUGHT he said and then froze for a moment. I thought very quickly to myself "do I ASK him to repeat what he said" (potentially very uncomfortable situation)? Instead, I prayed I heard him right and looked at him and said "I love you, too." And then I finished what I started to say. Again, I don't know for sure if that's what he said but think so... He may have said it out of "habit," but it's been so long since he has said that (probably November - except for the note he left the other day saying that "I'm sure you know I love you" - still not sure, BTW, what to make of that), so I doubt habit played a part, but it's possible. At this point, I prefer to keep positive and hope he said it because it's in his heart.
2.) This morning before I got out of bed I purposely created a "scene" in my head of the night he DOES finally come home for good. I pictured where we both would be standing and what I would say and he would say and what would happen next, etc. In real-time, it would probably be about a 15 minute exchange. Once I had it down in my head in a way that I felt really good about, I replayed it in my head several times before getting up. I thought aobut what I've read about seeing yourself there before you're there in order to get there and decided I wanted to create a vision in my mind of our reconciliation and keep replaying it in my mind each morning and each night and even during the day if I think about it (maybe at times when I'm having a hard day) and focus on making what I see in my mind a reality. I don't know if it will work but figure it certainly can't hurt.
At your suggestion, I started reading the thread you advised me about - I read for about an hour last night and am still on the first thread and am looking forward to continuing reading her situation. Thank you for advising me about it. It really helps to read about other people who have gone through similar situations. I may write on her thread once I get caught up and ask her for some advice for where I am at now...
I definitely agree with her about the not snooping bit... It has really helped me the past week or however long it's been now that I've let most of that go - still haven't checked his personal credit card and have avoided asking him any questions about his whereabouts when the answer could possibly be something I might not want to hear. I haven't driven by her house at all to see if he's there, and I've even avoided driving by her house during the day when I know he's not there (she lives in the path of where I drive a lot every day - nice...). I purposely go out of my way to take a different route. It has really helped. There are certain things I do want to potentially ask him about once we start working on things again (Michele says to ask if you must but be prepared that you might not like what you hear). The questions I feel like I may want to ask aren't necessarily "snooping" questions of "where were you at on this night or when I was doing this or going here," etc., but more around his feelings and the course of how this whole thing is going and why and that sort of thing. I may end up not wanting to ask those questions at all and just preferring to let it go - I'll see how I feel about it when the time comes. But for now, the "no snooping" rule has really helped me a lot. Even tonight, we had a business meeting, and we both were driving to leave, and I happened to be two cars behind him and saw him get onto the freeway the opposite way from home, and my heart tore out of my chest. I purposely drove out of the parking lot fast in order to hopefully avoid seeing this happen but accidentally took a wrong turn and ended up behind him... I know that probably seems silly to get upset about things as small as that, but even that just killed me. Next time, I'll zoom out faster even! Better yet, let's just pray there ISN'T a next time!
One more quick thing before I go... Virginia, you talked about continuing to do things for myself. I am continuing to do that - still am going to the gym, still am working on "loosening up" when we're out together, still am working on being happy and a fun person to be around and not appearing down and needy and desperate (like I said, even though I know it's potentially anti-DBing to say ANYTHING about the R and/or OW, I have NOT broken down in tears and/or had any sort of a freak show session in weeks now) and, probably one of the biggest changes for me is that I have been scheduling a lot of outings for me and for us. I know it's not the best to schedule things for he and I together, but at least I have the business to use as an excuse, and he's open to it, and it makes me feel good just to be with him and work on my "new me" around him, so hopefully it's not too harmful other that I know it's not making him miss me... But I've also been making time just for ME to go out with friends and business associates, and I wasn't doing that before. My reasons are two-fold - one, to work on being more social, and two, to make the time pass by faster. I've enjoyed going out more and feel like I'm becoming a better person through all of these steps I'm taking. Could I be doing MORE GALing? Sure. And I've made huge steps from where I was at even a few weeks ago. I know it's important to keep this up, even when he does come home for good. I pray that it will be even easier to GAL when he gets home because I won't have such a heavy heart to deal with... And I also look forward to GALing WITH him - there are so many things I've thought about that we used to do and don't do anymore. I really am looking forward to doing those things again and hope it will help to rekindle our love...
Okay, I've REALLY got to go now! Again, thanks for listening and letting me vent. Apparently I really needed to do that today...
Tomorrow is another opportunity to keep doing what is working, Virginia. Help give me strength!
Please, please back away...you are placing too much emphasis on this trip to Hawaii. You still have a long way to go before this marriage is solidified.
The other night, I would suspect that your husband was just testing the waters when he stayed over. It was great that he did...however, he hasn't been back yet. Whenever he decides to come home for good, he will. Don't beat yourself up because it wasn't for a permanent result.
When you do go on this trip - do have fun - however until he actually moves back in for good...nothing has changed. You still need to continually DB, from here until eternity.
Yes, he can change his mind, he can do this while on the trip or after. Please, do not feel that when he comes back to you that "you" need to sit down and have a serious talk with him...you still don't get it...do you? He left because of your marriage problems, thus, it will be up to him to discuss anything or not...it's his choice. I ask you again...what will be the benefit of you knowing all the details? Do you understand that you will then be judging him, relaying the information that he was the bad party when you both contributed to the unsatisfactory marriage? What gives you the right to point fingers...My God, you were the one that said your ML was boring...it takes a boring partner to push a man away...you just are going about this in a really poor way.
I commend you for starting to GAL, however, making business plans to be near him frequently is controlling, which you are and also put you here...stop it...he knows, he really does...but, he might just be trying to bring you down easily...not her....think, use your head...let him run this marriage...please, please detach...you are not over this by any means.
He says alot, but what about his actions? They speak just the opposite...reality check Tam...reality.
Again, I'm not here to bring you down, but you are putting all your eggs in one basket...I'm telling you that the basket isn't ready to hold all of them...you can't force him to do anything, but by reading your posts, you are still trying to run his life...it won't work Tam, it really won't.
When he moves back in, you let him decide whether or not he wants to discuss the affair...if he does, great - if not that's okay...your job is to prevent him from straying ever again - by being loving, listening to him, being calm and respectful, taking care of his needs, by spicing up your techniques - making it less boring.
Do that Tam - he'll never think twice about leaving again.
Good luck...I have faith in you that you will come out of this in a better position - one that lets your husband be the man he is...
I'm hoping that your silence either means you are wrapped up in the warm glow of reconciliation sex or your getting one hell of a life! Which is it girlfriend.
I've been thinking of you and hoping everything is OK.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
and finally dozed off. I woke up again a few hours later to the sound of the alarm going off. H snoozed it several times, and then we ML again. Then we both fell back asleep, and he got up a few hours later and showered. He told me goodbye and brought in the stuffed animal I've been sleeping with in his absence and put it on my chest.
