As always, thanks so much, 1210. I really, really appreciate your insights and honesty.
I decided to make an excuse to stop by the apartments on my way home tonight to "give him some more business documents." He may see right through me but doesn't let on that he does. Although I was fighting my urge to have a meltdown, I kept my head about me and just talked. No R talk, no OW talk, just talked. I just felt the need to be with him, if only for a few minutes. We had a nice talk, and then I left.
Tomorrow we have a business meeting in the evening. My plan is to not call him or stop by to see him all day, to look stunning, and to just see him at the meeting. I'm working hard to muster up my strength...
I do feel good about the changes over the last few days and don't know that I feel apprehension about it as much as sadness, and I don't know what I feel that way. I guess I'm just sad that he still isn't home and continues to make the choice to be with her. And I worry that this weekend when he told me he wanted to resolve things with her that it was just "talk" on his part, for whatever reason (it doesn't really matter what the reason is). At the same time, if that was the case, I don't know that HE would have brought it up on Sunday night that he had talked to her. I could see if I had been the one to ask him about it, but for him to bring it up was huge for us, so I want to believe him... I'm just hurt I guess. It's so painful to hear someone tell you that they've made the choice to be with you but then their actions are to continue to make the choice to be with someone else. I will be eternally grateful that he made the choice to give our M another chance, and at the same time this hurts so much. I know I've hurt him tremendously and that I have no right to complain at all right now and that he is in the throws himself of basically (if he's telling me the truth) trying to "break up" with someone else. That's never any fun. I'm disappointed and hurt and I guess angry as well that he has waited this long and still hasn't resolved things with her (after telling me over two months ago now that he had made his decision). I think "the clock is ticking" now as far as Hawaii coming upon us and that maybe he's starting to feel some pressure. I almost feel like he's just procrastinating because this is so hard for him to do and may wait until what he views is "the last possible minute" to deal with this. Then again, he may not deal with it at all and this whole thing could blow up in my face - but can't think that way! Must keep positive and be happy for how far we've come and all of the good things that have happened over the last few days.
(I just re-read that last paragraph and just want to say that, again, I recognize that I have no basis on which to be angry at where we are at, as I contributed greatly to it. I guess my hurt, anger, and frustration lie in the fact that he continues to make the choice to be with her while telling me that we are going to be together. I have no reason to be demanding and to expect anything from him due to what I have done. I'm just hurt and confused...)
At any rate, sorry to go off on a rampage once again. Thank you, 1210, for the words of wisdom regarding when he does come home. That all made good sense and was really helpful.
As far as Hawaii, you said to maintain my emotions until he's back. Did you mean if for some reason we do end up going to Hawaii but he hasn't come back home officially by then? If he has come home officially before then, do you have different advice?
I know it's important not to act overly excited and giddy and all of that all at once.
So two more issues:
OW - what do I say/ask/do about that? I will be crushed if he continues to see her behind my back and at the same time don't want to pressure him and at the same time need to be reassured... I don't know. This feels really awkward to me to know how to deal with. We have already had HUGE trust issues (me with him) in the past, and unfortunately it seems to be very easy for him to lie to me. This is something we really need to work on. How do I start this process?
Secondly, sex... I'm really torn on this one. I know obviously the main ingredient (I believe) was our lack of sex for this whole mess happening in the first place. I have been reading tons about this and have learned so much that I want to "practice." And I want to show him that I care about his needs, and I WANT to nurture him - now and forever. I want to show him I finally heard his pleas for me to change and that I'm GOING to finally do something (permanent) about it.
At the same time... although I know we were together on Christmas Day when he was still seeing OW (although I truly did not understand the depth of how much he was into things with her), I don't know if it's better, more healthy, to wait a bit before we jump right back into that? I was thinking that maybe I could find some way to talk to him about being close until we go to Hawaii maybe (provided that he comes home before then) in ways other than actually ML and work towards ML? I don't know! I'm really torn on this one. On one hand, I really want him to know I'm working on this, and I don't want him to come home and think nothing has changed. On the other hand, I don't know if we both need some time to reacqaint and heal and just be together but not necessarily in that way. Maybe we can start slow and still please each other sexually without actual intercourse? I just don't want to mess this up. Maybe the best thing is to ASK him how he feels and what he wants???
