He did finally call me last night about 20 minutes from when I was going to call him, so that was good. Said he was just leaving work but found out from him today that he only worked a little while yesterday, so am presuming he spent the rest of the day with the OW... Anyway, he was very upbeat when he called me and asked for directions where we were going. I DID NOT ASK HIM WHETHER HE HAD TALKED TO THE OW! We talked for a few minutes, and then I said "okay..." like I was going to get off the phone, and HE BROUGHT IT UP! He said that they had "started" talking on Saturday night but that he was so exhausted that he just ended up crashing out. I told him thank you and thanked him for telling me about it. I asked him how it was going, and he said that everything was fine and we're still on schedule. I said no, that I wasn't referring to that but rather was asking how it was going talking to her. He said it was good, that he felt good about the steps he was taking. And that was it. Left it at that. I didn't ask any more questions (even though I wanted to) and just left it at that.
Then I don't remember exactly what the context was, but he called me "sweetie"! That was nice. He has called me that a few times since this all began, but it's usually been when I'm upset about something and talking about the OW or the R, and he says something like "I'm sorry, sweetie" or something like that. But it wasn't in that context at all this time, so that made me feel good. Then we got off the phone.
THEN, he called me back AGAIN and said that he was getting close to our appointment site and that he knew the roads were hard to see to get there and that if I wanted he would wait for me to catch up to where he was and then I could follow him there! I thought that was really nice of him.
So we had a nice dinner appointment, and when we left, he gave me a really big, strong hug (I miss those so very much) and said he'd see me later, baby, or something like that. Two nice things he called me in one night! That was really nice.
Then this morning he called me to ask some business questions, and we had a nice conversation. I had some paperwork to go over with him early this afternoon and called him to see if he was going to be at the apartments. He said he was just grabbing a bite to eat and ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO JOIN HIM! That was really nice! I did, and we talked a bit and went over my paperwork. He did bring up Hawaii referring to something was going to get done before then, and I used that as an opportunity to ask him if we were still going (I know, small backsliding...). He said yes, and smiled and said that we aren't going as business partners... He then thanked me for being so patient. I just said yes and moved on to a different subject. So these are all really positive things I think, and I feel really good about it.
But then I also found our during our conversation today that he wasn't working most of the day yesterday, and although I don't know for sure, I'm presuming that means he spent the day with the OW. So then I was really sad because that meant that even though he was tired on Saturday night that he still didn't take the opportunity on Sunday when he was rested to "finish" the conversation with her that he supposedly "started" on Saturday night.
So now, while I'm really excited about our progress and feel good about that hopefully the DBing that I'm going is working a bit, I'm really sad that he didn't take care of this. I feel like that because I'm being so "patient" that he feels no real need to take care of this anytime soon, although I don't know that for sure. Part of me just wants to scream and yell at him right now and tell him enough is enough already and get this taken care of! And I know I can't do that, as that isn't how I want this to resolve. I truly want him to do this on his own time when he is ready. I guess I just feel like he's taking advantage of the situation of knowing I'm being "patient" and not feeling any pressure from me to get this done.
At this point, I'm going to just keep holding on until Hawaii and see where we are at then. I will keep DBing during that time and will work on making myself less available, even from a business perspective, to see if that helps (maybe he'll miss me?) As you know, it's so very painful right now, and I know that obviously what I have been doing is helping and that I can't go back to my freaking out, crying, needy ways. It might make me feel better briefly but will only send us backwards, and I know that. I guess I was just feeling so good going into today due to the progress we made over the weekend, and then when I found out he probably spent the day with her yesterday and still didn't resolve it, it made me sad... I must just focus on how far we've come and the nice things he's done and said over the past few days and be happy for that and let the negative go.
I still believe him when he says we're going to Hawaii together, but at this point we could be meeting each other at the airport that morning rather than him coming home before then! Ha! 3 weeks and 4 days until Hawaii! I know I can hold on and contain myself for that long... If things go sideways and he's not home by then and we don't go to Hawaii, I'll have to re-think my position. Until then, I will work on continuing to do what I've been doing but continuing to distance myself more and see what happens.
I miss him so very much and just want him to hold me again, to sleep in the same bed with him, to feel "wanted" again. I pray that this is not too far off, and I know I need to keep my head about me and hang in there, that I must continue to go through this pain if I want that end result and that if I "mess up" and freak out, it could put things off even longer, and I don't want that.
Anyway, I was just having a bad "moment" and wanted to vent a bit. However, I need to instead focus on all of the positive things that have happened over the past few days and see that change IS happening for the better and just be patient....
I also realized something else important today... I purposely have not checked up on him as far as checking to see what charges he's been making on his credit card over the past few days. Before I was checking it daily and could tell where he had probably been with "her." While I felt like i wanted to know what he was going, in the end it just ended up making me sick to my stomach, so why was I doing it? At any rate, I worked really hard over the past few days to not check it because I didn't want to feel bad. And I was successful and still haven't checked it! I am going to wark towards not looking at it again before Hawaii. Even though it tells me where he's been, it just ends up hurting, so it's not helping in the long run. So... what I learned TODAY is more of the same in that when I asked him about working yesterday and found out that he did not work most of the day, it just made me feel horrible and ruined my mood. On the one hand, I was glad to know where he was, but in the end, it just made me sad since I knew he most likely had the opportunity yesterday but chose not to take it to continue talking to her. Now I'm upset, and if I just would have kept my mouth shut about it, I wouldn't have known "for sure" and would probably not be as sad right now.
So... I'm going to remember this and not ask questions right now. I have a lot of questions that I do want to ask him at some point, but as I've said on past posts, I think it's best now if I wait until he's home and the waters are a bit more clear until I do that. Then I'll see how I feel and if I still care to know the answers to my questions. Until then, while at least I know where he's at, if I don't like the answer to where he's at, it just hurts, and the hurt outweighs the benefit of finding out that he's NOT with her. Lesson learned!
He then thanked me for being so patient. I just said yes and moved on to a different subject. So these are all really positive things I think, and I feel really good about it.
