Thanks so much for posting on my thread. I am very appreciative of your insight and encouragement.
I understand and appreciate what you are saying about not getting my hopes up. He HAS said in the past that he will do things and then hasn't done them. It is certainly a possibility that Hawaii won't happen, and I do realize that. My heart tells me that this will all be sorted out by then and that we will go and we will go as a couple, but that may not be the case. For now, I remember reading in the book something to the effect of it being better to focus on the positive and take what is said at face value, and if the opposite ends up happening, you deal with it then. In my situation, it's easier for me right now to keep focusing on the positive of Hawaii and pray that it will come to fruition as I dream. It helps me get through the days and nights and is a source of peace and salvation for me right now. If it does not end up happening, I'll deal with it then. But if I worry now that it's not going to happen and focus on the negative instead, that will burn me out much more than continuing to be positive right now. Will it be a harder fall if it doesn't come through because I am so positive about it? Maybe, but being positive is the most helpful for me right now. Does that make sense?
He has also over the course of the past week or so brought up a couple of times while talking about different things "when we go to Hawaii" or that such and so will happen when we are in Hawaii. This has not been prompted by me but rather mentioned by him, so I want to believe that this will happen, and I also understand it may not.
He also told me to go ahead and book plane reservations for US to see his parents in March. Granted, those can always be cancelled. However, understand that his parents absolutely walk on water in both his and my eyes. They are fabulous and have been married for almost 40 years. I believe they have played a large part in his decision (hopefully) to give our marriage another chance, not because he has talked to them about this but because they have helped him believe in marriage. I honestly don't think that he would have told me to go ahead and make those reservations if he wasn't serious about doing this - due to the emotional bond he has with him, I just don't think he would do that and then tell them we had to cancel. Again, anything can happen and reservations are always able to be cancelled, but I just don't think that will be the case. Again, I must focus on the positive right now until I am forced to deal with it otherwise. But I DO realize that neither of these trips may end up happening.
I was thinking more about the current situation, and I'm wondering if maybe now that we're getting closer to our trip to Hawaii that he's feeling the "pressure" not from me but just from a mere time aspect of having to take care of this. You're absolutely right; he does have difficulties communicating and does avoid conflict. I'm sure this is extremely difficult for him to have to talk with her, and he may be going through a very hard time right now knowing what has to be done and struggling with how to do it both because he doesn't want to hurt her and struggles with putting his feelings into words. I feel so bad for him and hate that we are in this situation. At the same time, I can only pray that this will help him to grow as a person as well as me and that him having to deal with this conflict himself will maybe be a positive thing in the fact of him having to work on communicating.
Last night I saw the following baby steps: 1.) He called me back to follow up about our plans. 2.) He was honest with me about where he was going (hopefully). 3.) He was the one to bring up the subject of the OW, not me. I believe that this is the FIRST time he has brought it up since this happened. I feel good about that. 4.) He told me that he wanted to talk with the OW to resolve things with her (even if he didn't do it, at least HE was the one who brought up wanting to do it). 5.) He thanked me for my being so understanding lately.
The downsides are: 1.) He did not come home last night. 2.) It doesn't appear as if he stayed at the office last night. (I thought he might be upset if he had spoken with her and still might not have come home.) 3.) He hasn't called me yet today.
I have resisted any temptations today to "check up on him." At this point, my thoughts are that if he's working, that's great because he's not with her, and if he's with her, that's great because maybe he got a good night's sleep and will talk to her today. So there's not a good answer right now, and either way it will just upset me for one reason or another to know, so I'm just working myself and counting down until we get together tonight. I hope he will be the one to call me today. As I said, I will wait until the last possible minute to call him if I haven't heard from him.
I still feel a sense of peace today. I'm not sure why, since as far as I know things are still unresolved. Maybe it's because I feel good about what happened last night and the way it happened, even if it didn't end exactly as I had hoped. Compared to where we were a couple of months ago, the progress we have made is enormous. And, as you pointed out, I realize that we are at the very beginning of this long journey. However, I pray that this will be the hardest part of it.
Well, sorry for the long post. It just helps to get my thoughts out, even if it's just for me.
Thanks again, Virginia, for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I hope you'll continue to post on my thread.
