As always, thanks for your continued advice and strength, Whatisis. You have helped me to keep my sanity through all of this, if that is at all possible...
Yes, you're right that we do get along the best when we are just hanging out or talking about business. The only time we argue or disagree is if we talk about the R and/or the OW. At the same time, I worry that if I always act happy and like everything is okay that it IS condoning his behavior. I think that is one of the reasons why it is so hard. I am miserable, and it's so hard to not let him know that and just act like it's okay.
He told me once that he liked spending business time with me and personal time with her. So I guess I worry that if I continue to work on our business and let him continue to spend personal time with her that that is just giving him exactly what he wants. At the same time, I can't NOT work on our business. I guess I just need to work more on not being so available and let HIM be the one to initiate business conversations, etc. Maybe that will help? I just don't want to feel like I'm enabling him to continue with what he is doing. I truly do understand that he has feelings for her and doesn't want to hurt her; I really do. And I love him for caring about other people's feelings. What hurts so much is that he says he ultimately wants to give us another chance and be with ME yet he continues to hurt me. I am choosing to take the hurt because I know how much hurt I caused him, but sometimes what he is doing to me right now hurts more than the actual OW in the first place, if that makes sense?
I have gone out with some friends and business acquaintances and whatnot and have told him about that. He is really good about asking me how my day is going and what I've been doing. He IS genuinely nice to me except for when we have our "talks." I still have a lot of questions that I would like answers to, but I think the best thing at this point is to just wait until he at least comes home and deal with my questions then, slowly and one at a time. At least then I won't (hopefully) feel like I'm endangering things by talking to him. I know Michele says to ask questions if you must but not to ask questions during this time, so I'll work on keeping my questions inside and waiting until we're at least working together on the relationship again.
As far as spending more time with friends and whatnot, I'm fine with doing that if it's the H and I together, but it's very difficult for me to do it by myself, although I know it would probably help. I have not told a single person (except you all, of course) what is happening, and it honestly tears me up inside to be around people I love right now. They ask about H and our business and how we're doing, and I smile and lie, and it just kills me. It hurts to be around them, and I absolutely do NOT want to tell anyone about this, so right now it's easier to either plan things with H (which he is okay with) or just to be by myself, as hard as that is. I don't tell H that I am sitting at home crying and yearning for him, but I can't really lie and tell him I'm out when I'm not.
I have been going to the gym five days a week still. That is okay, and I feel good about taking better care of myself, but it also is a lot of "think tank" time, since my mind is free to think and wander, so sometimes it's hard being there. I continue to push through it, though, and try to make myself look better - both for me and for him.
H hasn't commented on my appearance since that first day I told you about last week. I have dressed up quite a few times last week, but he didn't say anything. It's odd, but a lot of times he has a hard time even looking at me in the eyes. I guess I can understand that, but it's still hard. He has always been very good about being complimentary of me when I dress up and whatnot, and right now I just have to hope that he IS noticing but that it's just hard to say nice things to me because of the situation and possibly also because he may feel "guilty" doing so - like he's disrespecting her or something, I don't know. At any rate, I will continue to take opportunities to dress nice.
I keep thinking that I just need to do what 1210 said as far as taking my sheer determination that I have a "gift" for and putting it to its highest and best use right now of just letting him be, not be so available, and working hard to make positive changes in my life so that I can be the best I can be when he does come back to me. As much as I want to scream and rant and rave and demand for him to come home already since he says that is what he is going to do, I need to use my determination and will power to fight that. I've said numerous times that I will do whatever it takes to get my marriage back on track. I am so blessed to be in a situation where I am hopefully going to be given another chance at this marriage thing, and so I need to do what it WILL take to get it back on track, which is to do what you are telling me to do.
I also keep reminding myself about a boyfriend that I had years and years ago that was so incredibly nice and accommodating and helpful - I HATED it! I wanted a challenge, someone to stand up to me sometimes, etc. I realize that I am being that boyfriend right now. My H does truly have the best of both worlds. He knows I'm miserable and waiting for him, he gets for me to keep working hard on OUR business, and then he gets to keep spending time with her until he either finds the right time or gets up the courage or whatever it is he is waiting for to end it with her. Wow - that must be really nice! I need to just stay away from him so that he can see more what it's like to not have me around - but what if he doesn't even care? What if he doesn't mind that I'm not around? He told me quite a while ago now that he was hoping he would miss me, but he didn't. Wow, did that hurt. I told him that I didn't expect him to miss me, as what we had before wasn't healthy and he wasn't happy, so why would he miss that? However, last week he told me that he DOES miss me now, which was nice. I don't know if he accidentally "slipped" in saying that (because I said it first), but at least he said it. At any rate, what if I leave him be, and he doesn't even care? I don't know...
Well, thanks for letting me vent some more. I'm just doing what I can to fight through this day, knowing he's with her. I don't know why I keep torturing myself this way. I guess I just keep hoping that he's not doing what I think he's doing. For now, I just have to hope whenever I know he's with her that maybe he's talking to her about what he's going to do or is working towards that...
Thanks, 81388. I appreciate your post and am so sorry to hear about your situation. At least your W is staying at home - my H is not. Although I see him pretty much daily since we have a business together, he stays almost every night with her (and the other night she is not staying with me, but at the office or somewhere else).
I know I need to stop worrying about what he is doing, saying, the OW, etc. I am by nature a huge worrier and am very emotional. I know for some people it's probably very easy to feel "scorned" and just say "screw this" and turn the other cheek and go on with making themselves better people and doing all of the things we're supposed to do when we are DBing. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself or my actions; I'm merely saying that while I do feel scorned and am angry, I also feel incredibly guilty for my part in all of this and am eager to work on making things better and am so extremely emotional that it's very difficult to just turn into a raving mad woman and tell him where to go, etc. This, indeed, is the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. I can only hope that it was meant to be to both make me a stronger person and to be the stepping stone to making our marriage something magical.
It's good that your W has limited physical contact with the OM. Like I said, feel good that she is at least staying at home. I can't tell you what a horrible feeling it is to know that your S is in the arms of someone else almost every single night - especially when that S has told you that they have made up their mind to come back to you but are just waiting until the "planets align" to tell the OP! That is an absolutely gut-wrenching feeling and one that I will not soon forget. Granted, my H has NOT said that he does not want to be with me anymore, but with your W at home, there is still so much hope for you. Hang in there, and keep DBing!
Yes, we are going to Hawaii together, thank God. We have had this trip planned for months (way before all hell broke loose with this). I have asked him numerous times if he wants to cancel the trip, and he says no, that everything is going to be fine and resolved with her by then and that we are not going just as friends or as business partners. I pray this will come to fruition and that, as you said, our time away will be much needed and we will use it to start the healing process. We are going to where we got engaged, which we haven't been since we got engaged, so I hope it will somehow reignite a spark in both of us for us to build upon.
Have you ASKED for a hug or to go to dinner or lunch? Have you asked to spend some time together doing something fun with promises of no talk about your R or the OM? I know that I'm not supposed to be doing that right now with my situation, but since your W is staying at home with you, maybe you should try it?
Anyway, thanks again for stopping by my thread. I wish you all the best in your situation as well. You hang in there, too!
Tam, just time for a quick post here. Often the Solution Focused/Oriented approach strikes us as strange e.g. "If I'm happy around him all the time he'll think I'm OK with this". The beauty of the SF approach is that it gets us to look at things in a different way and initially that is tough to do! Again, when you are unhappy, pleading, criticizing etc is that helping the R? I'd say NO. By doing something different you are changing the dynamic, adding some mystery e.g. "Wow, why is she not pleading and unhappy? What's going on there" He must now put his thoughts towards you and why what was is not happening how. You are getting him to think about YOU rather than OW, but in a different way. When you do the pleading etc he shuts you out of his mind pronto! That's what GAL will do too. He'll start wondering about his new you and the kicker is you'll feel so much better about you too.
Lastly, I was thinking maybe you should tell him he doesn't need to tell you that "we are on track" etc. you recognize he will come home when he chooses to and if he chooses to. You could even throw in " hopefully, I will still be open to it", get him really thinking! This might be a pretty powerful 180 for you. Think about it. Gotta go.
Tambear: I am with whatis on this one, actually, I am planning on using that line myself (good one!) I have asked for lunch or dinner as a friend, only to be told that I am "pushing it". I have gotten to a place now where I am about to just start having fun with it, that is after all why she fell in love with me. Today, she had some Qs about mediation paperwork and how to figure some of the monthly amounts out, she said it was really complicated and couldn't figure it out so I said "what the heck, lets just call the divorce off" She looked at me like I was crazy, but then she caught herself just before she smiled. I followed it up about an hour later with "do you think it would help to hold you upside down and shake you?" She of course replied that "no, that most likely would not help." So my reply was "good, then I am glad I didn't do it."
My point is, if there is a point, be who YOU want to be and let the rest of the situation be what it is going to be. You really don't have any controll over it anyways.
I think the nest time she gets all "serious" about everything, I am just going to tell her to "lighten up, it is going to be what it is going to be." Probably not, but it is a nice thought and if we can believe it, then we can make it happen.
Good evening, everyone. As always, thanks for your continued support and feedback. Whatisis, I will think about what you said. I don't think I'm quite ready to do that yet, but maybe I will be at some point. If I'm going to keep working towards backing off, him reassuring me is one of the things that will help keep me going right now. I think what you're saying is a great idea, and I just need a little bit of time to keep making this transition.
Today I did good but feel awful! I did not talk to him, see him, or call him all day yesterday (mostly because I knew he was with her)... Last night I started reading Divorce Remedy again to refresh my memory, get some more encouragement, and get some more ideas. It really helped. I'm going to read it more slowly this time, a chapter or two a day, to hopefully absorb it a bit better this time. The first time I was so engrossed that I sped through it quickly and didn't absorb as much. At any rate, it was nice to start that again.
So with your continued support and advice and with starting the book again, I woke up with determination this morning. I went to the gym (and didn't even take my phone with me)! Alas, he didn't call, but that was okay. I then got dressed up nice, even though I didn't plan on seeing him today unless I had to. I just did it for me. Then... are you ready for this?????? I decided to go and get my belly button pierced today! I know - wild hair. I looked into it several years ago but never went through with it. I know my H things it's sexy from comments he's made in the past, so I thought it might help with that sexy image I'm working on, and I also did it for me, just to do something for myself. It was fairly painless, and I'm glad I did it. How do you think I should tell H about it? Maybe I should wait until he comes home and notices on his own??? I want it to be a surprise... Anyway, it was fun and a crazy thing to do.
Oh, I forgot to mention that when I got up to the office today, I could tell that he had slept there last night! I was excited and hopeful but still don't know what it meant. It seemed strange to me that since I know he was with her yesterday he would not have stayed with her last night. I guess inside I hoped he had maybe talked to her and then left and just needed some time by himself. AND I resisted the urge to call and ask him about it. I just let myself be hopeful, hoped he might come home tonight, and just let it be that.
Then, as hard as it was, I DIDN'T CALL HIM, TALK TO HIM, OR SEE HIM ALL DAY TODAY!!!! I DID IT!!!! And I feel horrible... I guess I was hoping he would call me at some point, and he didn't. That was hard, and it hurt, and I at the same time I know it was a good thing for me to do that. I did show the apartments a few times today. I left the last time at around 7:30 pm tonight and saw H's car still there, meaning he was still working. I didn't stop to talk to him, just left to go home. That was really hard, but I did it. He hasn't been working that late as much lately. It could be nothing, but it could be that he maybe did talk to her and is upset and is now absorbing himself in his work. And it could be absolutely nothing. Who knows... At any rate, it's now almost 10:30 pm, and he didn't call and didn't come home tonight. It hurts really bad, and I'm sad, yet I feel good that I hopefully did some good things today. I will work towards doing the same thing tomorrow and try to wait until he contacts me unless I absolutely have to contact him for a work item. I'm going to work towards waiting this out and see how long it takes him to contact me and what he says and how he acts when he does. It's killing me, and I hope it's helping the situation. I hate this...
I have made tenative plans for Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun, and Mond nights so far, too! Only Fri and Mond are without H, but I did at least make some plans without him. And there is a possiblity that H may not attend some of the other nights, too. We'll see. Saturday we are tenatively going out with some friends of ours - nonbusiness. It will be the first outing with friends nonbusiness since this whole mess started. Not sure if it will come to fruition, as I haven't asked H about it yet (waiting until I talk to him next). We'll see...
Well, that's how my day went. Just wanted to tell you that I hope I made progress today, even though I feel horrible. Hawaii is 4 weeks and 4 days away now. God give me strength to continue through this and give H strength to follow through on his commitment to me to give us another chance...
Tam, you are still too focused on him. He's got you on hold because he knows he can keep you on hold! You've been starting to do some good stuff, well aside from that belly button thing , so keep thinking about YOU not him. Btw, when I mentioned telling him he didn't need to report in on his progress daily, I meant to say it in a light matter of fact tone, nothing heavy. Just give him a little space and see how he adapts to it. But I know you must do things when and if you are ready, no sweat. Keep on putting together the new and improved you and make it for YOU, not just him. Tough I know, but it will see you through. GAL has kept me going for probably 1.5 years, it's a lifesaver. Glad you are reading DR again, follow the steps and advice, just one more lifesaver.
Just wanted to check in and thank you all again for your continued support and encouragement.
Not much new to report in the last few days. We've had some evening meetings that have gone well. I've been doing much better about not talking about the R and/or the OP. The worst I've done is ask about future plans and only once or twice for reassurance about still being on track. Other than that - nothing! No long, heavy talks whatsoever. We've been getting along really well, and I'm just focusing on staying positive when we are together and acting like everything is perfect in my world.... Not so easy, and I'm doing it.
I finished reading Divorce Remedy for the second time last night. It was really helpful to get some more reminders and encouragement. H still insists we are "still on track" for him to resolve things with the OW and come home and that we are still going to Hawaii (3 weeks and 6 days! ) as a "couple." We also have plane reservations in March after Hawaii to go and visit his parents. I asked him if he wanted me to wait until at least he came home before making those reservation, but he said no.
I still don't understand what he is doing right now but have resigned myself to just letting it be what it is. He obviously has his reasons for what he is doing, and I am just working on living with it, as much as it hurts. If the end result is that we give our marriage another chance, even if I have to wait all the way until Hawaii, then that's what it is.
I've been working on making more plans for myself and keeping busy. That helps. I've been resisting "snooping" so much and have been working really hard on asking myself before I do something whether it is going to move me towards my goal or away from it and then acting appropriately.
It has become increasingly important to me that he comes home when and because HE WANTS TO. To that end, whenever I feel like I want to ask him about coming home, I think about my goal of wanting him to come home when and because he wants to, and I let it go. I keep hoping that maybe he has already broken things off with the OW but just hasn't come home yet - that he's taking some time to himself. Even though that may not be true, it helps me to keep plugging along and to sleep better at night.
We are going out with some good friends of ours tonight. I am nervous, as it is the first time we have been out together in a more social atmosphere rather than business since this all happened. I'm just going to follow his lead and focus on being happy and positive and fun to be around and see how it goes...
Well, that's it from here for now. I hope you all are doing well in your "fights."
So I called H at around 6:40 pm tonight to let him know I was home getting ready and to remind him of the time, since I know he gets busy working a lot and loses track of time. He told me that he was working at his sibling's house and needed to help out a bit there and would call me in a bit. He didn't seem very happy, and I got kind of a weird feeling from it, but I "acted as if" and just let it go.
He called back at about 7:20 pm and I answered the phone upbeat and cheerful and asked him how it was going. He said he was really tired (uh-oh). I told him I was sorry and that I appreciated him working so hard. He said he didn't think he wanted to go out tonight. I asked him why, and he said (something to the effect of) he wanted to get things resolved with the OW and that tonight was an opportunity for him to do that. I said that I certainly was eager for him to do that but that if he told me this and then didn't do it that I would be disappointed. He said he was planning on talking with her.
I told him that I didn't want him to not go out with us because he thought there was going to be any pressure from me, that I just wanted to go out with our friends and have a good time. He said no, that he understood that. He said he still wanted me to go and have a good time and laugh some and that HE APPRECIATED HOW UNDERSTANDING I HAVE BEEN LATELY! I calmly said thank you and let it go. I then reiterated that I would be disappointed if he didn't go and then didn't talk to her, and he said that wasn't his plan, and I also reiterated that there would be no pressure from me if he did go, and he again said that he knew that.
I also during the course of the conversation when he said he was going to talk to her said something like "I thought you were tired." He said that he is tired and thinks this is part of why he is so tired (meaning that he needs to take care of this).
I then reminded him about a dinner meeting we have tomorrow (Sunday) night, which he remembered.
So I just told him something like that if he did talk to her I was here for him in whatever way he needed me and that I was sorry for both of their hurt and I was here for him. He said thank you, and we hung up.
I then called my friends that I was scheduled to go out with and told them H had gotten busy and wondered if it was okay if we still went out without him, and they said yes.
So I called H back and told him that I was still going out and that I had also thought about what I had just said to him and that I wanted to tell him that he needs to do whatever he needs to do and that I wasn't going to be upset with him if he didn't talk to the OW tonight and that I hoped he had a good night. He said thank you, and we hung up.
I felt a sense of peace after we talked, partly because I hoped he would talk to her and partly because I was glad that while I initially put a bit of pressure on him (by telling him that I would be upset if he didn't come out with us tonight and then didn't talk to her - I obviously wasn't expecting him to tell me he was going to talk to her tonight, and I gut-reacted without thinking), but I then recognized that that was wrong and corrected it to the best of my ability. I DO honestly want him to do this because he wants to do this.
I had a nice time with my friends. While thoughts popped into my mind throughout the night, I worked hard to push them away and put this in God's hands and just pray that this will be over soon and he'll be home.
I had fleeting thoughts that I just hoped that he would not do something as horrible as tell me he was going to talk to her just because he wanted to spend the evening with her instead? I caught him during some snooping I did several weeks ago in a lie of telling me he was going out with his friends when he was really spending the evening with her. I called him on it, and he admitted to lying. I told him that I knew he was spending time with her and that I would rather him just tell me the truth than to lie to me. He said okay, but at the same time, I know he keeps telling me that he doesn't want to hurt me... So I kept having this thought that he made plans with her and didn't want to lie to me so just told me he was going to talk to her because he knew I wouldn't be upset about that? But then I kept catching myself and thought that I need to take what he said and did as a very positive thing and accept it at face value. There's nothing I can do about it, so I'll look at the glass as half full and hope for the best, and if the worst comes of it at a later point, I'll know that then and can deal with it then. Right now I just need to believe what he told me and hope he was being honest with me.
So on my drive home tonight there was a small part of me that hoped his car would be in the driveway when I got home. However, I told myself that I didn't expect it would be, that it's easier to keep expecting the worst right now and be elated when the best happens than the other way around.
As I suspected, he is not home. I still have a feeling of peace and pray that even if he didn't talk to her tonight it will be soon. I don't think he would be cruel enough to tell me he was ditching our evening to talk to her and then not do it at least sometime in the near future, but I don't understand most of what is happening right now, so I'm just going to keep on track myself.
I also can't help thinking that this was the first night that we were going out socially with friends since this happened and "miraculously" this is the night he decides to talk to her? That's why I told him that I didn't want him to not go because he thought I would pressure him. I did believe him when he told me that he knew that wasn't the case, but I just don't know... Maybe the fact that this was the first social outing planned with friends made him WANT to take care of this before we do those sorts of things together? Who knows. As I said, I can't second guess what he said and just have to hope he was being honest with me and that this is a good step for us.
I was very grateful that he thanked me for being understanding lately, so I know that my backing off, even though I haven't been perfect, has been noticed. So I'm just going to keep on doing that and keep my countdown going to Hawaii. (It's officially Sunday now, so 3 weeks and 5 days until Hawaii... )
I know that it's really important that I give him space tomorrow (Sunday). I know I'll see him tomorrow night at our business meeting, so I'm going to be very diligent about making sure I don't contact him tomorrow during the day. I will have to contact him later in the evening if he hasn't contacted me so that we can discuss the meeting plans, but I will wait until the last possible minute in hopes that he will contact me before then. And when I do talk to him, I won't ask him what happened tonight. If he brings it up, great. Otherwise, I'll just let it go and will keep fighting this fight...
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know what happened and see what you thought about his actions. I would love some feedback.
I've been reading you for the past couple of weeks and I just wanted to let you know that regardless of how painful this obviously is for you, you are really learning good techniques that will help you stay the course.
Quote: So I'm just going to keep on doing that and keep my countdown going to Hawaii. (It's officially Sunday now, so 3 weeks and 5 days until Hawaii... )
Tambear, it's really important to count the baby steps, but it's also important to live through this period without expectations.
You've had a lesson tonight in how men who are having affairs stall, rather than deal with conflict. The fact that he put off telling you he wasn't going to dinner until so late indicates to me that here is a man who will avoid conflict at any cost. That may mean with both you and ow.
I know he told you he's going to Hawaii with you and that you'll be going as a couple, but he also told you he was going to dinner with you tonight.
I don't say this to upset you or to dash your hope - rather to curb your expectations.
He is having a personal crisis at the moment. He has been dealing with the awareness of the growing cleavage in your marriage for signficantly longer than you have and he's at a different place in his journey. He seems to be just avoiding conflict wherever possible.
I think you mentioned in an earlier post that he has some issues with communication and has traditionally been silent, or less than direct, when discussing stuff in your marriage that bothered him. I'm guessing those communication skills haven't become any stronger during the separation and it may be that there is still a lot going on in his head that he's not letting on.
You've read DB again and you know what to do. You also know to believe little of what they say and only some of what they do.
You are very early in this crisis and there may be a ways to go before it sorts itself out. Please don't have such high expectations, you'll burn yourself out.
Good luck, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thanks so much for posting on my thread. I am very appreciative of your insight and encouragement.
I understand and appreciate what you are saying about not getting my hopes up. He HAS said in the past that he will do things and then hasn't done them. It is certainly a possibility that Hawaii won't happen, and I do realize that. My heart tells me that this will all be sorted out by then and that we will go and we will go as a couple, but that may not be the case. For now, I remember reading in the book something to the effect of it being better to focus on the positive and take what is said at face value, and if the opposite ends up happening, you deal with it then. In my situation, it's easier for me right now to keep focusing on the positive of Hawaii and pray that it will come to fruition as I dream. It helps me get through the days and nights and is a source of peace and salvation for me right now. If it does not end up happening, I'll deal with it then. But if I worry now that it's not going to happen and focus on the negative instead, that will burn me out much more than continuing to be positive right now. Will it be a harder fall if it doesn't come through because I am so positive about it? Maybe, but being positive is the most helpful for me right now. Does that make sense?
He has also over the course of the past week or so brought up a couple of times while talking about different things "when we go to Hawaii" or that such and so will happen when we are in Hawaii. This has not been prompted by me but rather mentioned by him, so I want to believe that this will happen, and I also understand it may not.
He also told me to go ahead and book plane reservations for US to see his parents in March. Granted, those can always be cancelled. However, understand that his parents absolutely walk on water in both his and my eyes. They are fabulous and have been married for almost 40 years. I believe they have played a large part in his decision (hopefully) to give our marriage another chance, not because he has talked to them about this but because they have helped him believe in marriage. I honestly don't think that he would have told me to go ahead and make those reservations if he wasn't serious about doing this - due to the emotional bond he has with him, I just don't think he would do that and then tell them we had to cancel. Again, anything can happen and reservations are always able to be cancelled, but I just don't think that will be the case. Again, I must focus on the positive right now until I am forced to deal with it otherwise. But I DO realize that neither of these trips may end up happening.
I was thinking more about the current situation, and I'm wondering if maybe now that we're getting closer to our trip to Hawaii that he's feeling the "pressure" not from me but just from a mere time aspect of having to take care of this. You're absolutely right; he does have difficulties communicating and does avoid conflict. I'm sure this is extremely difficult for him to have to talk with her, and he may be going through a very hard time right now knowing what has to be done and struggling with how to do it both because he doesn't want to hurt her and struggles with putting his feelings into words. I feel so bad for him and hate that we are in this situation. At the same time, I can only pray that this will help him to grow as a person as well as me and that him having to deal with this conflict himself will maybe be a positive thing in the fact of him having to work on communicating.
Last night I saw the following baby steps: 1.) He called me back to follow up about our plans. 2.) He was honest with me about where he was going (hopefully). 3.) He was the one to bring up the subject of the OW, not me. I believe that this is the FIRST time he has brought it up since this happened. I feel good about that. 4.) He told me that he wanted to talk with the OW to resolve things with her (even if he didn't do it, at least HE was the one who brought up wanting to do it). 5.) He thanked me for my being so understanding lately.
The downsides are: 1.) He did not come home last night. 2.) It doesn't appear as if he stayed at the office last night. (I thought he might be upset if he had spoken with her and still might not have come home.) 3.) He hasn't called me yet today.
I have resisted any temptations today to "check up on him." At this point, my thoughts are that if he's working, that's great because he's not with her, and if he's with her, that's great because maybe he got a good night's sleep and will talk to her today. So there's not a good answer right now, and either way it will just upset me for one reason or another to know, so I'm just working myself and counting down until we get together tonight. I hope he will be the one to call me today. As I said, I will wait until the last possible minute to call him if I haven't heard from him.
I still feel a sense of peace today. I'm not sure why, since as far as I know things are still unresolved. Maybe it's because I feel good about what happened last night and the way it happened, even if it didn't end exactly as I had hoped. Compared to where we were a couple of months ago, the progress we have made is enormous. And, as you pointed out, I realize that we are at the very beginning of this long journey. However, I pray that this will be the hardest part of it.
Well, sorry for the long post. It just helps to get my thoughts out, even if it's just for me.
Thanks again, Virginia, for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I hope you'll continue to post on my thread.
and putting it to its highest and best use right now of just letting him be, not be so available, and working hard to make positive changes in my life so that I can be the best I can be when he does come back to me. As much as I want to scream and rant and rave and demand for him to come home already since he says that is what he is going to do, I need to use my determination and will power to fight that. I've said numerous times that I will do whatever it takes to get my marriage back on track. I am so blessed to be in a situation where I am hopefully going to be given another chance at this marriage thing, and so I need to do what it WILL take to get it back on track, which is to do what you are telling me to do.
, so keep thinking about YOU not him. Btw, when I mentioned telling him he didn't need to report in on his progress daily, I meant to say it in a light matter of fact tone, nothing heavy. Just give him a little space and see how he adapts to it. But I know you must do things when and if you are ready, no sweat. Keep on putting together the new and improved you and make it for YOU, not just him. Tough I know, but it will see you through. GAL has kept me going for probably 1.5 years, it's a lifesaver. Glad you are reading DR again, follow the steps and advice, just one more lifesaver.