Good evening, everyone. As always, thanks for your continued support and feedback. Whatisis, I will think about what you said. I don't think I'm quite ready to do that yet, but maybe I will be at some point. If I'm going to keep working towards backing off, him reassuring me is one of the things that will help keep me going right now. I think what you're saying is a great idea, and I just need a little bit of time to keep making this transition.
Today I did good but feel awful! I did not talk to him, see him, or call him all day yesterday (mostly because I knew he was with her)... Last night I started reading Divorce Remedy again to refresh my memory, get some more encouragement, and get some more ideas. It really helped. I'm going to read it more slowly this time, a chapter or two a day, to hopefully absorb it a bit better this time. The first time I was so engrossed that I sped through it quickly and didn't absorb as much. At any rate, it was nice to start that again.
So with your continued support and advice and with starting the book again, I woke up with determination this morning. I went to the gym (and didn't even take my phone with me)! Alas, he didn't call, but that was okay. I then got dressed up nice, even though I didn't plan on seeing him today unless I had to. I just did it for me. Then... are you ready for this?????? I decided to go and get my belly button pierced today! I know - wild hair. I looked into it several years ago but never went through with it. I know my H things it's sexy from comments he's made in the past, so I thought it might help with that sexy image I'm working on, and I also did it for me, just to do something for myself. It was fairly painless, and I'm glad I did it. How do you think I should tell H about it? Maybe I should wait until he comes home and notices on his own??? I want it to be a surprise... Anyway, it was fun and a crazy thing to do.
Oh, I forgot to mention that when I got up to the office today, I could tell that he had slept there last night! I was excited and hopeful but still don't know what it meant. It seemed strange to me that since I know he was with her yesterday he would not have stayed with her last night. I guess inside I hoped he had maybe talked to her and then left and just needed some time by himself. AND I resisted the urge to call and ask him about it. I just let myself be hopeful, hoped he might come home tonight, and just let it be that.
Then, as hard as it was, I DIDN'T CALL HIM, TALK TO HIM, OR SEE HIM ALL DAY TODAY!!!! I DID IT!!!! And I feel horrible... I guess I was hoping he would call me at some point, and he didn't. That was hard, and it hurt, and I at the same time I know it was a good thing for me to do that. I did show the apartments a few times today. I left the last time at around 7:30 pm tonight and saw H's car still there, meaning he was still working. I didn't stop to talk to him, just left to go home. That was really hard, but I did it. He hasn't been working that late as much lately. It could be nothing, but it could be that he maybe did talk to her and is upset and is now absorbing himself in his work. And it could be absolutely nothing. Who knows... At any rate, it's now almost 10:30 pm, and he didn't call and didn't come home tonight. It hurts really bad, and I'm sad, yet I feel good that I hopefully did some good things today. I will work towards doing the same thing tomorrow and try to wait until he contacts me unless I absolutely have to contact him for a work item. I'm going to work towards waiting this out and see how long it takes him to contact me and what he says and how he acts when he does. It's killing me, and I hope it's helping the situation. I hate this...
I have made tenative plans for Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun, and Mond nights so far, too! Only Fri and Mond are without H, but I did at least make some plans without him. And there is a possiblity that H may not attend some of the other nights, too. We'll see. Saturday we are tenatively going out with some friends of ours - nonbusiness. It will be the first outing with friends nonbusiness since this whole mess started. Not sure if it will come to fruition, as I haven't asked H about it yet (waiting until I talk to him next). We'll see...
Well, that's how my day went. Just wanted to tell you that I hope I made progress today, even though I feel horrible. Hawaii is 4 weeks and 4 days away now. God give me strength to continue through this and give H strength to follow through on his commitment to me to give us another chance...
