As always, thanks for your continued advice and strength, Whatisis. You have helped me to keep my sanity through all of this, if that is at all possible...

Yes, you're right that we do get along the best when we are just hanging out or talking about business. The only time we argue or disagree is if we talk about the R and/or the OW. At the same time, I worry that if I always act happy and like everything is okay that it IS condoning his behavior. I think that is one of the reasons why it is so hard. I am miserable, and it's so hard to not let him know that and just act like it's okay.

He told me once that he liked spending business time with me and personal time with her. So I guess I worry that if I continue to work on our business and let him continue to spend personal time with her that that is just giving him exactly what he wants. At the same time, I can't NOT work on our business. I guess I just need to work more on not being so available and let HIM be the one to initiate business conversations, etc. Maybe that will help? I just don't want to feel like I'm enabling him to continue with what he is doing. I truly do understand that he has feelings for her and doesn't want to hurt her; I really do. And I love him for caring about other people's feelings. What hurts so much is that he says he ultimately wants to give us another chance and be with ME yet he continues to hurt me. I am choosing to take the hurt because I know how much hurt I caused him, but sometimes what he is doing to me right now hurts more than the actual OW in the first place, if that makes sense?

I have gone out with some friends and business acquaintances and whatnot and have told him about that. He is really good about asking me how my day is going and what I've been doing. He IS genuinely nice to me except for when we have our "talks." I still have a lot of questions that I would like answers to, but I think the best thing at this point is to just wait until he at least comes home and deal with my questions then, slowly and one at a time. At least then I won't (hopefully) feel like I'm endangering things by talking to him. I know Michele says to ask questions if you must but not to ask questions during this time, so I'll work on keeping my questions inside and waiting until we're at least working together on the relationship again.

As far as spending more time with friends and whatnot, I'm fine with doing that if it's the H and I together, but it's very difficult for me to do it by myself, although I know it would probably help. I have not told a single person (except you all, of course) what is happening, and it honestly tears me up inside to be around people I love right now. They ask about H and our business and how we're doing, and I smile and lie, and it just kills me. It hurts to be around them, and I absolutely do NOT want to tell anyone about this, so right now it's easier to either plan things with H (which he is okay with) or just to be by myself, as hard as that is. I don't tell H that I am sitting at home crying and yearning for him, but I can't really lie and tell him I'm out when I'm not.

I have been going to the gym five days a week still. That is okay, and I feel good about taking better care of myself, but it also is a lot of "think tank" time, since my mind is free to think and wander, so sometimes it's hard being there. I continue to push through it, though, and try to make myself look better - both for me and for him.

H hasn't commented on my appearance since that first day I told you about last week. I have dressed up quite a few times last week, but he didn't say anything. It's odd, but a lot of times he has a hard time even looking at me in the eyes. I guess I can understand that, but it's still hard. He has always been very good about being complimentary of me when I dress up and whatnot, and right now I just have to hope that he IS noticing but that it's just hard to say nice things to me because of the situation and possibly also because he may feel "guilty" doing so - like he's disrespecting her or something, I don't know. At any rate, I will continue to take opportunities to dress nice.

I keep thinking that I just need to do what 1210 said as far as taking my sheer determination that I have a "gift" for and putting it to its highest and best use right now of just letting him be, not be so available, and working hard to make positive changes in my life so that I can be the best I can be when he does come back to me. As much as I want to scream and rant and rave and demand for him to come home already since he says that is what he is going to do, I need to use my determination and will power to fight that. I've said numerous times that I will do whatever it takes to get my marriage back on track. I am so blessed to be in a situation where I am hopefully going to be given another chance at this marriage thing, and so I need to do what it WILL take to get it back on track, which is to do what you are telling me to do.

I also keep reminding myself about a boyfriend that I had years and years ago that was so incredibly nice and accommodating and helpful - I HATED it! I wanted a challenge, someone to stand up to me sometimes, etc. I realize that I am being that boyfriend right now. My H does truly have the best of both worlds. He knows I'm miserable and waiting for him, he gets for me to keep working hard on OUR business, and then he gets to keep spending time with her until he either finds the right time or gets up the courage or whatever it is he is waiting for to end it with her. Wow - that must be really nice! I need to just stay away from him so that he can see more what it's like to not have me around - but what if he doesn't even care? What if he doesn't mind that I'm not around? He told me quite a while ago now that he was hoping he would miss me, but he didn't. Wow, did that hurt. I told him that I didn't expect him to miss me, as what we had before wasn't healthy and he wasn't happy, so why would he miss that? However, last week he told me that he DOES miss me now, which was nice. I don't know if he accidentally "slipped" in saying that (because I said it first), but at least he said it. At any rate, what if I leave him be, and he doesn't even care? I don't know...

Well, thanks for letting me vent some more. I'm just doing what I can to fight through this day, knowing he's with her. I don't know why I keep torturing myself this way. I guess I just keep hoping that he's not doing what I think he's doing. For now, I just have to hope whenever I know he's with her that maybe he's talking to her about what he's going to do or is working towards that...