I hope you are all doing well. I know I haven't posted for a while, and I just wanted to check in and let you know how things are going. As always, thank you all for your continued guidance, encouragement, support, and advice.
Thursday we went out to lunch together. It wasn't a business lunch; we just went out for a quick bite. I did my best to not initiate conversation and just let him talk. It was really hard, as I felt like I was being boring. I kept fighting myself. One of the things he told me was that he wanted me to be more outgoing. To that end, when I just "sit back" and let him talk, I don't really feel like I'm doing that. So I'm trying to find a good balance with that.
Anyway, the lunch was nice, and he told me again without my asking that everything was fine and on schedule, and he gave me a nice hug that he initiated when we left lunch. I had a nice time.
Friday I saw him briefly at the apartments. He signed a thank you card to send to my parents thanking them for Christmas. He wrote in the card that things would slow down soon (for us) so that more time could be spent with my parents. I thought that was a good sign, as I obviously didn't tell him anything about what the write in the card, so he wrote that on his own. Do you think that is a baby step on his part?
He once again told me everything was okay and still on scheule and gave me a hug (he initiated all of this). I messed up a little and jokingly asked him if he was coming home before the night before we leave for Hawaii. He laughed at me and said yes, but who knows at this point...
Last night we had our business meeting that I told you about. We drove together there, which was nice. I did not bring up the R or the OW. We had a nice time at the get-together. I worked on being upbeat and outgoing but not overbearing. I think it went well. We talked on the way over there about making a trip to see his parents, who are at their second home out of town right now. They are coming back on April 2nd. I know I shouldn't have asked about future plans, but I asked if he would be interested in making a trip there before they came home, and he said yes and to go ahead an talk to them about when might work for them in March sometime! So that was good. He also talked about getting some business things taken care of before we left on our vacation to Hawaii, which he initiated on his own, so that was nice, too. He also said that he was going to be coming back to our home office in a few weeks, which is where I am currently working, so that would mean we would be working side by side again. I don't think he'll do that until he ends it with her, so hopefully it will be sooner than Hawaii. Who knows...
It was a bit awkward when we drove back from the dinner last night. I had met him in a parking lot, and then we drove together in my car. So we drove back to his car, and then we both obviously knew that he wasn't coming home, so it was kind of awkward, but I tried to be upbeat and just told him to drive safe. He gave me a hug (he initiated) and told me he'd talk to me later. He then walked to his car, and I couldn't resist, since he didn't say it, asking if everything was still on schedule, and he said yes (I know - bad - I'm working on it). So I went home and got little sleep and just kept counting how much longer until Hawaii.
Today I'm working, and he's spending the day with her. I saw his car over by her house. My heart is broken, as I still don't understand how when he's made up his mind to come back to me he is still with her. I know Whatisis said I could never understand what is going on in his mind, and I know that. It's just much harder to be patient when I have absolutely no understanding of this absolutely crazy situation we are in right now. If I didn't have the hope for Hawaii and that that was the longest I hopefully may have to wait, I think I would be in a mental ward by now. Ha!
He did tell me a while back that he had talked with her a little but hadn't told her that he was going to give us another chance yet. He said he had talked to her about how he was torn because he loves me but he's not in love with me anymore and that she has a piece of his heart but not all of it. I have no idea what she thinks about he and I - does she think I'm just okay with him spending the night with her and that I don't care??? I don't know. It worries me, because I don't know what he's telling her. He could be telling her that he is going to leave me but hasn't find the right time to tell me. He says that's not the case, but I don't know... I have to believe that he wouldn't be so adamant about us still going to Hawaii if he wasn't really planning on coming back to me. Like I said, that is all that is keeping my head above water right now. He's still choosing to spend time with her, and that kills me and I don't understand it, but I don't have a choice right now but to live with it and just keep getting myself through these next few weeks.
He also told me a while back when I told him that I was scared that he was scared, too. I asked him what HE was scared about, and he said that he was scared that I would say that I had had enough of this situation. I'm not sure how to interpret that - is he scared because he would not have a choice but to tell her, or is he scared because he doesn't know what he would do if I did that? I don't know...
I know I need to COMPLETELY stop asking him about our R and the OW - please know that I DO know that and that I'm working hard towards that unless he brings it up. My heart is also in a million or more pieces right now, and I hurt so bad that I don't even know how to put it into words. I know I haven't done everything perfectly that you've told me to do, and I'm working on it.
What suggestions, besides the obvious of continuing to not ask about the R and the OW, do you have for me? I feel like talking to him again, and I know I'm not supposed to, but I am just so frustrated and don't understand what he is doing! I know it's best if I just let it go, but at the same time, I don't want him to think that I'm just okay with the way things are, if that makes sense. I worry sometimes that if I just act upbeat and smiley all the time that that is making it easy for him to just continue to do what he is doing, but maybe that is not the case - maybe it's the exact opposite. I don't know.
All I know is that he's with her right now, I'm working, and I'm miserable... My heart hurts so much. Four weeks and 5 days until Hawaii. God help me to do the right things to get him home before then...
