Tam, what you are attempting is a big change, it's understandable that you are going to have little setbacks, don't let it get you down. Look at the good that you did today and, as I believe you are doing, look to do better tomorrow. Take care.
Thanks, Whatisis. I'm hoping today will be a better day. I'm just having a hard time right now understanding what is going through his head. I don't need to agree with what he is thinking or doing, but it would help to understand. If he's truly made up his mind that he is coming home and he's going to give us another chance, why he is not doing that? When I ask him, he says it's because he doesn't want to hurt anyone. Obviously he's choosing to hurt me instead of her right now, which as hard as it is, I understand. I asked him what happens if the time never feels right to talk to her, and he says that it will. I want to believe him, and I'm going to continue to do my best to just be patient. But I just don't understand, and I'm scared.
Tam, you can't know what is going through his head, in fact, when he comes home you still won't really know. So you must operate without that as a guiding factor. It's tough but that's really life, isn't it. No matter how close we are to another we can never ever really know what is going on in that persons head. We must carry on despite that.
Please tell me you haven't asked him again, when he is going to come home.
You are going to run this M into the ground if you just keep on analyzing and asking him. Do you understand that everytime you do - you make yourself look extremely desper- ate and pathetic? Did he date someone in the beginning like that, no...you were confident, fun and were not clingy to him.
Please, try a lot harder - this isn't easy, but, how bad do you want him back? Then, put that energy into changing your needy ways.
P.S. At the dinner meeting Saturday - let him carry most of the business talk with others - let him speak. Put yourself in the shoes of a date - you are there, but he is the one to talk about his business - you'll win points.
Instead of asking him when he is going to move home, maybe you should be asking yourself when you will be ready to have him home. This subtle shift will be appearant without you saying anything. Remember when he comes home it will be even harder than when he left. I have heard this time and time again. Are you ready? Maybe you need to set the time for him to come home when you are ready not when he is. Remember men like to have a little challenge, and if you are already ready, he might still be taking you for granted. Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
I hope you are all doing well. I know I haven't posted for a while, and I just wanted to check in and let you know how things are going. As always, thank you all for your continued guidance, encouragement, support, and advice.
Thursday we went out to lunch together. It wasn't a business lunch; we just went out for a quick bite. I did my best to not initiate conversation and just let him talk. It was really hard, as I felt like I was being boring. I kept fighting myself. One of the things he told me was that he wanted me to be more outgoing. To that end, when I just "sit back" and let him talk, I don't really feel like I'm doing that. So I'm trying to find a good balance with that.
Anyway, the lunch was nice, and he told me again without my asking that everything was fine and on schedule, and he gave me a nice hug that he initiated when we left lunch. I had a nice time.
Friday I saw him briefly at the apartments. He signed a thank you card to send to my parents thanking them for Christmas. He wrote in the card that things would slow down soon (for us) so that more time could be spent with my parents. I thought that was a good sign, as I obviously didn't tell him anything about what the write in the card, so he wrote that on his own. Do you think that is a baby step on his part?
He once again told me everything was okay and still on scheule and gave me a hug (he initiated all of this). I messed up a little and jokingly asked him if he was coming home before the night before we leave for Hawaii. He laughed at me and said yes, but who knows at this point...
Last night we had our business meeting that I told you about. We drove together there, which was nice. I did not bring up the R or the OW. We had a nice time at the get-together. I worked on being upbeat and outgoing but not overbearing. I think it went well. We talked on the way over there about making a trip to see his parents, who are at their second home out of town right now. They are coming back on April 2nd. I know I shouldn't have asked about future plans, but I asked if he would be interested in making a trip there before they came home, and he said yes and to go ahead an talk to them about when might work for them in March sometime! So that was good. He also talked about getting some business things taken care of before we left on our vacation to Hawaii, which he initiated on his own, so that was nice, too. He also said that he was going to be coming back to our home office in a few weeks, which is where I am currently working, so that would mean we would be working side by side again. I don't think he'll do that until he ends it with her, so hopefully it will be sooner than Hawaii. Who knows...
It was a bit awkward when we drove back from the dinner last night. I had met him in a parking lot, and then we drove together in my car. So we drove back to his car, and then we both obviously knew that he wasn't coming home, so it was kind of awkward, but I tried to be upbeat and just told him to drive safe. He gave me a hug (he initiated) and told me he'd talk to me later. He then walked to his car, and I couldn't resist, since he didn't say it, asking if everything was still on schedule, and he said yes (I know - bad - I'm working on it). So I went home and got little sleep and just kept counting how much longer until Hawaii.
Today I'm working, and he's spending the day with her. I saw his car over by her house. My heart is broken, as I still don't understand how when he's made up his mind to come back to me he is still with her. I know Whatisis said I could never understand what is going on in his mind, and I know that. It's just much harder to be patient when I have absolutely no understanding of this absolutely crazy situation we are in right now. If I didn't have the hope for Hawaii and that that was the longest I hopefully may have to wait, I think I would be in a mental ward by now. Ha!
He did tell me a while back that he had talked with her a little but hadn't told her that he was going to give us another chance yet. He said he had talked to her about how he was torn because he loves me but he's not in love with me anymore and that she has a piece of his heart but not all of it. I have no idea what she thinks about he and I - does she think I'm just okay with him spending the night with her and that I don't care??? I don't know. It worries me, because I don't know what he's telling her. He could be telling her that he is going to leave me but hasn't find the right time to tell me. He says that's not the case, but I don't know... I have to believe that he wouldn't be so adamant about us still going to Hawaii if he wasn't really planning on coming back to me. Like I said, that is all that is keeping my head above water right now. He's still choosing to spend time with her, and that kills me and I don't understand it, but I don't have a choice right now but to live with it and just keep getting myself through these next few weeks.
He also told me a while back when I told him that I was scared that he was scared, too. I asked him what HE was scared about, and he said that he was scared that I would say that I had had enough of this situation. I'm not sure how to interpret that - is he scared because he would not have a choice but to tell her, or is he scared because he doesn't know what he would do if I did that? I don't know...
I know I need to COMPLETELY stop asking him about our R and the OW - please know that I DO know that and that I'm working hard towards that unless he brings it up. My heart is also in a million or more pieces right now, and I hurt so bad that I don't even know how to put it into words. I know I haven't done everything perfectly that you've told me to do, and I'm working on it.
What suggestions, besides the obvious of continuing to not ask about the R and the OW, do you have for me? I feel like talking to him again, and I know I'm not supposed to, but I am just so frustrated and don't understand what he is doing! I know it's best if I just let it go, but at the same time, I don't want him to think that I'm just okay with the way things are, if that makes sense. I worry sometimes that if I just act upbeat and smiley all the time that that is making it easy for him to just continue to do what he is doing, but maybe that is not the case - maybe it's the exact opposite. I don't know.
All I know is that he's with her right now, I'm working, and I'm miserable... My heart hurts so much. Four weeks and 5 days until Hawaii. God help me to do the right things to get him home before then...
Tam, think about the times when you two get along best together right now. Is it when you are asking for hugs or badgering him about OW? NO. So do more of what is working right now. Leaving him be. Can you share with him any new and wonderful things that are emerging in your life right now? Something that you are excited about. Have you gone out with any friends you could tell him about? The last thing you want is him to think that you are just sitting around waiting endlessly for him to return. Let him know your life is pretty good right now! Anything you can do to make yourself a little more mysterious? Do you think the dressing up action you took made him wonder? Now how do you deal with the frustration you feel regarding the need to ask about his plans, OW etc. Find an outlet for that stuff be it a friend, an hour at the gym, whatever works to keep you in check! Do some fun stuff for Tam too. Don't let your life be ruled by him, live some for you too!!! P.S. NO more when are you coming home talk!!! Not even a little. OK?
Tambear; I don't know if I have any specifics for you, other than more of the same. Your last post was a long one, and that is OK with me, but I didn't see a lot of GAL in it. I am very new to this so I am probably not the one to give advice, but I would stop worrying about what he is doing, thinking, saying to OW and get on to the business of YOU.
I have had the same struggles, being happy and upbeat feels like I am condoning the behavior, but at the same time it reinforces that it is their behavior and I have no controll over it.
I have told my W several times that how I am acting is how I choose to act. I have also told her not to misinterpret it to mean that I don't care, only that I refuse to be that other person. For the most part it has helped, much more pleasent to be together, we still live together, and other than phone, she has limited physical contact with him(out of state)
I would say several of your H actions would be baby steps, what I would give for a hug at this point, or lunch or dinner just the two of us.
Are you both planning on Hawaii? That souds really promising if so. I think all of this would be much easier if we could just get our S alone for any period of time.
In my case, it is really frustrating because other than the fact that she wants to D, we have a good time together, I have to keep fighting the urge to ask her "why are we doing this again?" Our kids seem to have the same question.
I think part of my problem is being too available, but with both of us at home, and 3 kids, it is hard to just GAL. Maybe that is part of the puzzle for you as well, just not being available. I know that is really hard for me, when every fiber of your being is yelling "DO SOMETHING!"
Just keep reminding yourself that you can only controll YOU. What he does is up to him.
