Tambear, re the communication issue, try Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, that might help. Apparently, women like to talk to process things, stroke every nuance and look for all the angles. Guys want to fix things and get back to the bigscreen! Males tend to have a different approach to stress and sometimes don't get the woman's need to "go on" about it. I have a friend who told me that he knows that his W needs to go on for about half an hour before he can give any advice. He says the whole time he's sitting there thinking "I know how to fix this, just let me do it!" but he knows now he has to wait. Does your H like to tell you how to fix the situation? Do you reject his need to do so? He says you are always right. Does that mean he feels he can't give input because you won't accept it? Try validating things he says rather than dismissing them. Some guys really can't see beyond the fixing mode and when they don't feel they can fix anything they wonder what the heck they're there for. Have you told him what you need from him e.g. "I don't need you to fix this, I just need to get it off my chest". Anyway, pick up the book if you haven't got it, it's an entertaining read if nothing more! I hope your dinner went well and I hope you are the one who ended the evening...remember mystery and changing the dynamic.
As always, thanks Whatsis. You have been so kind to stick with me the past 24 hours. Your encouragement has inspired me and made me stronger. Thank you for that.
I have read Women are from Mars, Men are from Venus, and I do understand the communication differences between men and women and that men frequently want to just fix things and get on with it. I guess most of the time I don't feel like he gives me ANY feedback, but maybe I'm just not listening because I'm so into my own need to vent that I don't hear what he DOES say, as little as it may be. I will work on observing this more when we do have our next such conversation and see what I can ascertain. Thank you for the advice. It's so nice to have some guidance and support - thank you.
I just got home from our dinner - it was great! We talked mostly business but did talk about Hawaii a bit, as I needed to ask him some questions and the final travel arrangements. I asked him if he thought we would just cancel if things weren't "resolved" by then. He said they would be resolved by then! He didn't say he thought they would be resolved or we'll see if they're resolved or any kind of a possible out, so that was great and really made my night. I'm not saying that something may not still happen, because I know anything goes at this point in my upside down world. I then asked one more question (sorry) and asked if we would just be going as friends, and he said no! Yeah! Baby step. That was it! I didn't ask any other R questions and didn't bring up the OP one time! We just talked about business the rest of the evening. We really didn't talk about much else, so I didn't get a chance to laugh with him or whatnot but made sure I was upbeat and on-task. I also made sure to go to the rest room a few times to make sure he saw me in my outfit...
As far as leaving tonight, it was kind of a "natural" break in the evening, as we finished dicussing the business items on my list, and then we both kind of turned to leave from there. He walked out the door ahead of me while I was gathering my paperwork. When I walked out the door, he was standing in the parking lot waiting for ME and reached out to give me a hug. I thanked him for the evening and for dinner and for meeting with me, and he said "thank you, sweetie." Then we said we'd see each other later and parted ways. Considering the circumstances of where we're at, I know it seems small, but it was a perfect night for me at this stage in the game, and I am on cloud 9. I think maybe for the first time I actually see an END to all of this, or at least an end to him not being at home and us working on this - the rest of this is still a huge uphill battle to engage in, of which I hope you all will continue to help me. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I am so incredibly tired right now (could be in part the two wine coolers I had with dinner, too - trying to "loosen up"...) BTW, I had to bring the wine coolers in for myself, as we ate somewhere where they didn't have them, and I don't like beer. I had one left, and he asked me when we left what I wanted to do with it. I said I didn't know, and he said he'd keep it in his car for me for the next time we smuggled it in. Again, I know this is small, but it felt nice that he even thought about "next time."
You know, as I think about this, I feel like we ARE at the beginning of a relationship again because I'm noticing all of these small little things that I remember noticing at the beginning of our relationship - things you take for granted as time goes on. Even though we are certainly no where near out of the woods yet and who knows what tomorrow or next week or next month will bring, I still feel like a teenager again... For now, I will enjoy the moment and just hope it leads to more and remember what a great feeling this is and that I need to do more of whatever it is that makes me feel this way as we continue along this journey.
This has been a great day, and I have you all to thank for it. I didn't do perfect , but I did do better. I will continue to work towards your advice and will continue to be stronger with each day.
Was too tired to shop for new clothes tonight but will do so in the next few days... Have to keep looking nice for him so that he notices.
Thanks again. I'm going to bed now to hopefully have the best night's sleep I've had since this all happened... Thank you so much for your strength.
Tambear, sound like a great evening for you. I like what you said about it feeling like the beginning again. So, think back to the beginning and remember what things made your times together so great, try and repeat them. They may just be small things but every little bit helps. Remember, don't put all your eggs in that one basket. Start to do things for you, just for you...trust me, it will help with the sitch. Lastly, watch that rollercoaster cuz there are going to be a lot of dips along the way, dig in and stay strong.
NOW WILL YOU PLEASE SHUTUP ABOUT ASKING HIM WHEN HE WILL END HIS AFFAIR WITH THE OW....
You have asked him twice today, as well as asking for an affirmation hug...what are you 4 years old? No, you are a grown 35 year old woman who needs to understand that you are still pressuring him, cute or not.
Do you realize everytime you ask him "anything" about when he is going to stop the A - you are solidifying his need to keep her as well as keeping her in his head? Do you grasp this yet? You are pushing...STOP IT...you are thrilled now...but, did he kiss you goodbye...no...how do you know he won't end it after Hawaii? Maybe he feels that it's just a business trip....
Sorry, but I'm playing Devil's Advocate here...not to hurt you...until he's home, in your bed, every night...you're still in left field. You talked business tonight...you say you normally have these dinners or lunches to do that... what he has done, is thrown you crumbs...until he's back, you must continue on with the DBing, even when he's back.
You were excited about tonight, that's good, but he went back to her...do you see my point? It's far from over.
Now, one more time........................................ DO NOT ASK FOR HUGS, DO NOT ASK IF HE HAS TALKED TO HER... understand? You are putting way too much pressure on him.
Tam, 1210 is absolutely right! You are too available. There is no mystery if you are asking for hugs or inquiring about OW's status etc. By continuing to do so you will be sabatoging what you really want, H returning. So, hard as it is, no more hugs, no more inquiries. Remember create mystery and change those dynamics! You start steering the boat for awhile, let him row!
Just wanted to check in and say thank you for the continued feedback. I AM listening and am working hard on your advice.
Today I did even better! I went to the gym this morning and dressed up nice again. I didn't call him! He called me around 9am to ask a business question, and we were very cordial to one another. I ran into him at the apartments briefly this afternoon. We talked about a few business items and some plans we have for this weekend. Then he left, and HE initiated a hug to me (I was going to just let him go without saying anything)! AND he said something to the effect of "everything is fine, and we're still on schedule." That was the very FIRST time he has ever been the one to initiate telling me that! I was thrilled inside, but on the outside just thanked him and let him go.
He didn't call me the rest of the day, and I DIDN'T CALL HIM! I went to see some friends at the hospital tonight who just had a baby today and had a nice time. I did drive by the apartments to see if he had left on my way to the hospital, which I shouldn't have done. I wasn't going to stop or anything - I just wanted to know if he was there. Maybe I hoped that if he was that that was why he hadn't called me - because he was still working. At any rate, since he wasn't there, I just hoped in my mind that maybe he was talking to her tonight or at least maybe starting to talk to her. But I didn't call, didn't drive by her house, just went to the hospital.
So more progress today I think! He still isn't home, and I realize that, AND I know I'm doing a better job, and I feel better about that. I pray that my efforts to back off will help bring him back home soon. I'm going to keep working hard on what you're telling me to do and will keep you posted. It's very, very hard, but I know it's what I must do.
Thank you for your continued encouragement and advice. I'll let you know how things go tomorrow!
Tam, keep on plugging away! Just your best not to let every little thing he does or say make or break your day or your mood. I find that a toughie myself. Keep us posted!
Good for you, girl...I think that if you let your H take the reigns of this M by, talking less, stop and listen to him, not interjecting into his talking, letting go of the "need" to fill every pause of silence with chit chat, you will find that your H doesn't have a communication problem at all...you just don't let him, thus, he "tunes" you out.
As I said before, Whatisis repeated as the male response, men don't like endless chatter...never will.
Each time you're together, let him run the show...silence is golden...even if it seems ackward that no one is speaking, don't speak...let him be forced to break the lull in the conversation. Just sit back, looking coy, mysterious and alluring...
You CAN do this...he needs to come back b/c he wants to and finds you changed into someone who nurtures him...not walks over him....
As always, thanks for your continued support and advice. I am so appreciative.
Today was not such a good day. I didn't do as well as I have been and will work on doing better tomorrow. I'm still optimistic that all is going to end up fine and that it is just a matter of time and am just having such a hard time being patient. I just want the hurt to end... As soon as he finally comes back home, I know I will feel so much better. There will still be so much work that needs to be done, and I'm so ready for that, but I guess I'll at least know that we're working on it and not feel so scared that he's not home yet.
We are going to a business dinner with some friends of ours on Saturday night, so hopefully that will be a good opportunity for me to be "alluring" and let him talk. I'm looking forward to it and hope it goes well.
He did initiate hugging me again today and told me we were still on schedule and that everything was all right without me asking, so that was nice to have him do that two days in a row. I just didn't do so good the rest of the day after that... Still lots of work to do.
Anyway, I'll continue to keep you posted on progress. Five weeks from Friday until Hawaii! I pray that that is the longest I may have to wait... Although it seems like an eternity from now, I suppose if I have to wait for five weeks to get my marriage back on track, that is a whole lot better than it could be...
Thanks again for your continued encouragement and strength.
