As always, thanks again 1210. Most of your observations are right on, and I appreciate your pointing them out to me and also offering solutions on what to do. As you can hopefully see from my continued posts, I'm listening to what everyone is telling me and taking baby steps hopefully in the right direction. Above all, the one thing you pointed out that I could use some guidance on is the listening to him/not talking myself part. When it comes to business, we could talk endlessly for hours, both contributing equally to the conversation and having a great discussion. But when it comes to personal/marital issues (even BEFORE this all happened), he just shuts down. I'm lucky if he contributes a couple of sentences to our conversations. I ask him to and tell him I honestly care about his thoughts and WANT to hear what he has to say (and I really DO), but still, it's usually me doing all of the talking and him just sitting there staring at me. I've tried just saying something and shutting up and letting the awkward silence go on for minutes until he says something. It's horrible! I want to learn how to help him to be able to communicate as well with me about our relationship as he does about our business. Any suggestions?
He has told me that I back him into a corner when we talk about personal things, that I "twist" his words. He says I'm always right anyway, so why should he say anything? That makes me feel horrible. I know I may come across as controlling him and whatnot and telling him what to do and steering the ship, and I guess that is what does happen with our personal lives but not with our business lives. I don't understand the difference or how to fix it. It's not that I WANT to be that way... I honestly don't. I've always longed for him to be able to talk with me and to get some feedback, good and bad (just like what YOU all are doing) from HIM. This has been a problem for us for as long as I can remember and is probably one of the biggest issues that I feel needs to be worked on to help our relationship. Our communication skills and ability to resolve issues when it comes to personal/R issues is horrible. But while I am a very persistent person (obviously), please understand that it is NOT my desire to control him or our R. I WANT him to be in the driver's seat and to take control. I just don't know how to get him to do that. He is so independent and strong when it comes to other aspects of our life. But when it comes to dealing with our R issues, he just clams up. I don't want that and want to be given feedback from him when I screw up and be challenged in my thoughts and beliefs and actions, but I haven't been able to get him to do that.
I know I talk him to death, but it's not that I WANT to. I just need to talk, and he doesn't talk back to me, so I just keep talking. I need to get my feelings out; he holds them in. So he just patiently (or impatiently sometimes) listens but doesn't contribute, and I hate it. He says he doesn't communicate very well and has a hard time putting his thoughts into words. I get that, but how do I help him to get better at this? Just saying that he can't do it isn't helping us. I need to find some way to help him be able to work through this and figure out what I need to do to change myself to make him feel comfortable talking to me. I do want to hear what he says, but he doesn't say anything most of the time! And I guess when he does, I analyze it to death instead of just accepting it at face value. Maybe that's something I can work on - just listening and acknowledging what he says and not continuing to pry... I will work on the suggestions you gave me and see if I make any progress.
Regarding our ML, yes, I was bored and frustrated feeling like something was wrong with me. It got worsened when I found the strength to go to counseling several years ago and found no relief or answers for my pain. If I had only gotten all of these sex books back then! They really are helping me a lot, and I am anxious to put some of the methods to test. Right now, I've read a little but not a lot, as since I can't do anything about it right now as far as ML to him, I just find myself getting frustrated and anxious. I will work more on it when he comes home. I am committed to making sure that we are BOTH happy and want to ML to each other on a regular basis. That is simply the only way this is going to work, and I know that.
I wouldn't say I run the show at home. We are both extremely independent (I know I probably don't seem that way in my desperate state right now, but I am). We really don't depend on each other for anything. Since we don't have any kids, we pretty much were just living our own lives, which is another problem that contributed to this. We hardly ever saw each other. Never had dinner together, lost sight of "date nights," never spent weekends together (always working), didn't take "fun" trips anymore, just business, etc. We were drifting apart and just focusing on business. Wrong answer.
I don't plan everything out for him, as described above with our independent schedules. Sure, I plan trips and do paperwork and that sort of thing, as that is something I enjoy doing, and he WANTS and appreciates me doing those things. Believe me, he does what he wants when he wants to!
I am panicking now, have not nurtured him (in a sexual way, although I have to say I am extremely nurturing in other ways, which I know don't mean as much to a man), and I have ignored his feelings regarding a better sex life (well, I wouldn't say "ignored - I always hear him but just haven't been good about doing anything about it long-term to fix it).
And I wouldn't say I'm bossy - probably determined is more accurate. As far as me not compromising, that is definitely not the case (except for the sex issue I suppose). I compromise to a fault with everyone I know. I would give anything for anyone at any time (except obviously sex to my husband unfortunately). I am a caring person to a fault most of the time. I trust before trust is earned, care before I probably should, etc.
You gave me some wonderful suggestions to help me with these things. I am listening to you and will work on them and see how it goes. I do want to be the woman he married. It's just hard right now to figure out the right way to do that when he's not at home. I will do what I can with the opportunities I have, starting tonight at dinner. No R or OP talk. Since we are talking about business, I'm sure our conversation will be great and two-directional. But if he does talk about things other than business, I will work on being quiet and listening and letting him continue to talk and validating what he is saying rather than questioning him about it. We'll see how it goes.
I WANT to have the exciting, fun times we had when we first met. I have already made a list of the things we did back then that we both enjoyed so much that we no longer do. I want to do those things again, but most of them involve us being able to be together as a couple, so I have to wait for now.
Thanks for helping me become a better person. I hope you can help me to help him give me the same sort of feedback you are giving me. I need this in my life.... Thank you very much.
