tambear, the responsibility thing is a toughie. My point is that it is so easy, when you are the LBS, to become self-righteous and cling to the "I didn't step out, he/she did" but that doesn't create any solutions, only blame. Once we are able to say "Yes, I did some things wrong here too" then the playing field kind of evens a bit. This does not mean that the S is some poor innocent victim, NO they made choices and they were hurtful, devastating choices. They will have to live with what they have done, one way or another. But to do what they did must mean they were very lonely and felt rather unloved, that we did to one degree or another. Could they have made better choices? Sure. My W told me she felt she'd done everything possible to save our M. I almost laughed in her face...I then ran through all the choices she could have tried but didn't (and there were a few!). Did it help to do that? Nope. I think the major part of what 1210 was trying to tell you is that only when we acknowledge our part in the resulting A is it possible for us to get off our high horses and really try to heal things properly, it's not a matter of placing blame or guilt.
