Thank you so very much, 1210. That was a hard post to read, and I thank you for being so brutally honest with me. You said so many things that really hit home. This truly is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I am overbearing - I know this. I honestly don't mean to be. I just want him back so badly...
The one thing I do question is that I caused this affair. I certainly realize that I contributed to it and feel horrible about that, but you make it sound like it's ALL my fault. As hard as it is, I am willing to take responsibility for my part, but he played a part, too, and he was the one who ultimately made the choice to go down this path. As you said, there are more problems we need to work on than the sex. I realize that and that there are mistakes and problems that we BOTH need to work on. I hope that makes sense.
Yes, I completely agree that I would not want to come home to someone like me. I guess I just have been so desperately wanting him back and have been thus doing all of the wrong things out of sheer dispair. Although, bless his heart, he has remained steadfast for a month and half now that no matter what he is commited to giving us another chance. He even told me the other night that he had kept telling me that and didn't know why I wasn't absorbing it. I guess it just goes to the fact that, as someone else pointed out, his actions aren't supporting his words. My hope is that, as you said, he wants to come home but that right now she continues to be a more attractive option for him because of my behavior. He keeps telling me that he IS going to tell her, that it's just a matter of time. He hasn't wavered from that point of view. Therefore, I can only pray that if I, as you said, give him space and stop pressuring him that he will do what he needs to do. He is very independent, and I think that maybe he just needs to feel like he's doing this himself on his own time schedule and that he's not doing it because I'M asking him to do it. In the end, that is what I want as well. I want him to come home because it is what HE wants.
He told me the other day that he had made up him mind that he was coming back to me, and that she knew he was married when they got involved, etc. I guess when he tells me these things I just get my hopes up so much and start getting impatient. I need to be excited about it when things like that happen but keep it in perspective. Until he walks through that door, it's not over. I need to work on appreciating the baby steps he has taken. I have to remember that we have gone from him telling me he wasn't in love with me anymore to him saying that he is going to give us another chance no matter what to him now telling me that he is going to end it with her and come home. And although it feels like an eternity since this thing started, I guess in looking back this has all happened in a relatively short amount of time.
I have to remember that I could be dealing with someone that has said that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, refuses to see me, doesn't call me, has filed for divorce, etc. Things could be so much worse. Here I've got this wonderful man who has told me he will give us another chance, and I'm completing jeopardizing it. I don't want to mess this up. I need to do whatever it takes to allow him to follow through on his decision.
For now, I will choose to believe him when he says he is going to come back to me when he's ready. It's the only choice I've got right now, and if I keep believing in him and in what he's telling me, it should help me to keep moving forward. I will also keep focusing on getting ready for our trip to Hawaii and on bettering myself along the way.
I know that you all have been through and/or are going through this, and I so appreciate all of your thoughts and opinions. It's been so hard because he (and God) have been the only ones I've been talking to about this, and he doesn't talk much. So I don't have anyone to really "put me in my place" and to give me an outsider's perspective on things. It has really helped to have people actually talk to me and give me advice.
I just ask that you all be patient with me and keep putting me in check. I will continue this thread and let you know how it's going and ask for help, if that's okay. If I could just ask of you to please put me in my place, but please be "pro-marriage" with me. I want to fight for this marriage, and I want to become a better person and work on our difficulties for me and for us, not so that I can be on my own. I'm not asking you to not be honest with me and not answer my questions and concerns honestly. I just want to get feedback to help me make this work, not help me to end it. I'm willing to fight and do whatever it takes. You've all given me some wonderful pointers on what I need to do. Please be patient with me, as this is a drastic change from what I've been doing. Please put me in my place when I mess up but be accepting and encouraging at the same time.
I promise to take all of your wise words to heart and do my very best and to be patient with myself if I make mistakes. Will you all please help me through this? I am in so much pain. I'll keep up this thread and will keep posting to let you know how things are going and to ask for your advice. I need you all. Thank you so much.
