That's pretty much how I feel - "S**t or get off the pot"! If you really want to work on our marriage, you will cut ties. I keep telling him that if he loves her that much, he needs to be with her.
One of my biggest concerns is for myself.. Even if we get back together, have I compromised who I really am and what I stand for by allowing him to have two affairs and come back to a marriage with me?
It's a different struggle for me this time. The first time it was a feeling of fighting for my life. This time... I don't have a clear direction of what I really want to do.. It changes minute to minute...
How do others of you in the same sitch feel? Is it different this time for you?
Quote: It's a different struggle for me this time. The first time it was a feeling of fighting for my life. This time... I don't have a clear direction of what I really want to do.. It changes minute to minute...
This is exactlly me!!! I am where you are exactly.
Quote: How do others of you in the same sitch feel? Is it different this time for you?
Most defoinatly, its a total different kettle of fish.
My Head and Heart agreed lst time, I felt H had made a mistake and I really did actually feel sorry for him bcause he had F'd his life up.
This time my Head and heart are in total different opinions, where as my head is telling me the guys a Flaming jerk shove him off out of it, My heart is not agreeing, however I am not sure where my heart is.
I Know for myself I need to get rid of this man, it hurts like crazy, but I must do it!
Funny I always read Jonathan Crainers Horoscopes and they are spookily right sometimes.
Heres my today
'People who need people are,' so they say, 'the luckiest people in the world.' The composers of this famous ballad do not go on to explain what it is that those people need those other people for. All too often indeed, we find ourselves wondering what it is that certain individuals are doing in our lives. It seems necessary now to ask that question on your behalf. Your involvement with a particular person is proving less than fruitful. You don't know what to do. Relax. All will soon be made clear.
Sweetie, I really can not say any advise to you, Like me, you need to decide, Reading the starts above I,m hoping it means desisions will be made for me. My H has already told me He doesn't love me like he should, so I guess it may already have been.
I will tell you though, I was reading something on another forum today and I read a really sweet story of a lady who had met an old couple in Dr surgery. She asked how long they had been togeter and the old lady said 52 years!! when the person was surprised and told her WOW! the old lady said, " Look we have had problems, some serious, we have had 52 years worth of problems, but we have always stood together and with each other.
This story did make me think... Is there a pot of gold at the end of it, if you can just stand the test of time.
I am so with you on that!! Right now I just want to tell him goodbye. He comes in all depressed after a conversation with OW. Then, she texts him 5 times while I'm sitting there with him. I just want to SCREAM!!! He was very kind tonight and called because he was an hour late from work (YES! he was actually there.. I could hear the machines) helped with a ton of stuff around the house, hugged and kissed me goodnight. But, I can't sleep! Maybe I should just stay in the other room.. UGH!! I am so tired of being so conflicted!
He acts as if he is going to end it with her but I'm sure that he is also telling her that he is going to end it with me. Someone needs to do something! (That's my head talking) But, I do love him and have a really hard time seeing into a future without him (D*mn heart!). We have a C appt next week and H acts like the C is going to come up with some crystal ball answer. It's ridiculous, really... just prolonging everyone's agony..
Can someone go through withdrawals from the A even when they are still in contact over the phone/text? He's kind of acting like he did last time when he was withdrawing from the OW. Contradicting himself all over the place.. I guess it could just be depression since I told him I was walking...
He said that this A is different than the last one. The last was just like a summer fling. It didn't mean anything. WHAT?? He told me that time that he thought our marriage was a mistake and he was bound and determined to be with her. Anyway, he says this time it's different, real, a chance to be truly loved. WHAT THE F***??? They are truly crazy, aren't they? Part of me just wants to be gone so that he can get a slice of reality...
H is very very depressed right now. He was ok until I told him he needed to start sleeping in the spare bedroom. A good thing for my mental health is that the phone calls and texting are not happening in front of my face any longer. Although, I'm not stupid enough to think that they're not still occurring. Her calling/texting has been picking up since he told me about the A. She contacts him all day and all evening long. It's really pretty obsessive.
Since he told me, all kinds of drama has strangely started happening in her life, too. I know that she is trying for excuses to make him see how much she "needs" him.. She got some test results and blew them waaaay out of proportion until I did some research and told my husband what it was really about. I'm sure he thought, "If she is really dying, I need to be there for her". Ummmm... she's not dying.. ok??!!!
We have actually talked a ton about our relationship in the past week but now, all of sudden, he doesn't want to talk about anything at all. Again, this all started after I kicked him out of bedroom. He has cried and been very remorseful all week. Much more remorse this time than last. He has said he was sorry for hurting me 100 times. He has said that the whole time the A has been going on, they have talked about me and how he has always just wanted the connnection to be with me. What's that supposed to mean? Why would you say that stuff to your new "love"? I just don't know how to take it all. IT's so very confusing!!!!
What should I do now? Avoid him and wait for him to want to talk again? Try to just be a friend? I'm just not sure what approach to take. First C session is this week so maybe that will help... I just don't know...
I am choosing to change my attitude toward a possible renewed relationship with my H starting NOW! C session is tommorrow. He says he wants to begin to see if we can possibly have the type of marriage he needs. He is also saying that he will not give up OW until he feels that we have something to work with...Ok.. not the best scenario but ok.. at least it's honest. This A has been going on for only 3 months; first it was physical only.. then emotional. So emotionally - they have been in synch for only about 2 months as they both sorted through their "trashed marriages" together.
I've done a lot of soul searching in the days since finding out about this second A. I have not been happy either with our marriage. I felt that he was not meeting my needs emotionally and therefore, I refused to meet his. I guess we were both in places where an affair was possible; but, I would simply never go there..
I guess I am just trying to calm down and not let the panic I really feel override what I need to do..I pray for strength...
Hummmm.... your husband sounds really confused. I hope you've gotten a chance to read some books on affairs and are getting some insight into their dynamics. Your husband's relationship with this woman sounds very addictive and codependent at this time.
Is there any way he can take a break from his cell phone and you guys can just spend some time trying to be friends for awhile? Take some of the focus off the A and just listen to him talk about work, his thoughts, dreams, things that bother him, things that make him happy. Just be a good listener, ask questions and work on a friendship.
Regardless of where your marriage goes, this will be good for your child. When my husband and I were in the midst of D (and he was emotionally more connected to OW) I just focused on being his friend... and a good deal of it was for my children. I had to put aside my anger and hurt. One thing that helped was realizing that my husband had a problem. When you get married there's those words about being there through illness. Well, I saw this as mental illness. I gave my husband space, but at the same time worked on being his "best friend." In some ways it was a challenge to me. He absolutely hated me at the time and I wanted to see if I could melt that anger and get him to be my friend again. It took a lot of patience, emotional detachement and I had to give up all expectations about my marriage (although I was in a divorce so that did make it a bit easier).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Right after he told me of the A, we seemed to making progress but now he is just crazy-talking about how he will not give her up unless he sees a change in my behavior. In looking back over the past week, it does seem that I get a better reaction when I am acting as his friend. It is so darn hard sometimes and I freaked out on Saturday night and demanded he sleep in another room. I was sick and tired of the calls/texts. But, I think this is doing more harm than good now. Can I back out of my request?
The funny thing is that we have always been good friends and I've been trying to talk, question, all that stuff. That is the good part of our relationship. It's the ML and affectionate stuff that we lose first and those are what he gets from his A. THe "connection" as he likes to call it... I really do believe that he is addicted to the high of being with her. They only met/meet during the day, on the sly, in the car..
Is it possible to reconcile? I don't know.. only time will tell I guess. In the meantime, I'm going to try to best me I can be.
H has told me in no uncertain terms that he is not going to end R with OW. That he will continue as things are.. We just started seeing MC and he wants to see if there is anything that shows him that we might still work. It is crazy. I know we can go no where with our R if he is right in the middle of this A. I do still love him and C said that I have to be stronger now than I've ever been. I'm still contemplating D. I'm a friggin' mess......... I'm trying to just love my D3 because I feel her future is going to be so much sadder than her life has been so far. She adores her Daddy.
Although H had shown much remorse when he told me, he is back to being downright beligerant about the A. He is totally off his rocker. He is about to lose everything... I do know that OW has been putting the pressure on him. I saw a text that said that there is no way that THEY will work if he still loves me..
How do I cope with this day to day?? H says let's just take one day at a time. Easy for him to say when he has his cake and is eating it, too.
Quote: I know we can go no where with our R if he is right in the middle of this A.
I am in the same boat. You have to be the stronger one here if you want anychance of saving your M. Only choice you have to is to put the OW out of your mind and enjoy the moments that you have with your H. Is it fair to half to share them? Hell no. Is it fair that he is having his cake and eating it too? Hell no. But as LBS's we have two choices. STAY AND FIGHT....or Move on.
It seems that you have made your descision already so get the thoughts of a D out of your head. What good would it do you anyway? You pretty much are D'ed right now anyway. Just try and start that new and improved R with your H. Prove to him through your actions that you are the better choice for him. Also if the OW keeps that crap up about no future for the two of them if H still loves you, That is a bonus for you. As a man, I know I hate it when people tell me what I can and can not do and it would definitly keep pushing me away. Hell the jealousy that this skank has over you is a big bonus in your sitch. Look at the positives here not just the negatives.
Just my 2 cents, O
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
What should I do now? Avoid him and wait for him to want to talk again? Try to just be a friend? I'm just not sure what approach to take. First C session is this week so maybe that will help... I just don't know...