2nd Affair in 2 Years!

[lovelyolive]

Here we go again.. The situation is this: 2 years ago my H told me he was miserable and wanted to go to C and "maybe" work on our marriage. During that time, I found out that he was having an affair. It was pretty involved and he was going to leave to be with her until she decided to end it. So, we worked on our marriage and from his point of view, it was the best it's ever been. I, however, have always been waiting for the hammer to fall again. Well, yesterday... it did... and the A has been going on for 3 months. I feel like a bigger idiot now than I did the first time. I forgave him but never really deep down trusted that he would remain faithful.

He has a very high sex drive and my isn't so high and that is always his excuse for screwing someone outside of our marriage. He also finally admitted to me yesterday that the first was PA and not EA. Of course, I knew this. But, the point is that he never truly came clean with me.

Now, he wants to work on our marriage. The question is: how can I trust a man who says he loves me and everything else about our marriage, is very loving towards me, and yet, still is participating in sex outside of our marriage? I don't even know him anymore. We used to share the same morals and ethics.. But, now...

We have one D3 and it breaks both of our hearts to think of not spending every possible day with her. But, I'm not sure that I can even do this again. I told him today that I would go to counseling one time next week but had little faith that we could work it out. I guess the good thing is that I am not a hysterical mess this time but am able to actually articulate my feelings

What to do?? What to do??

[Heywyre]

LonelyOlive

Sorry you are here but the people on this board are the greatest and will give you all the emotional support you could ever imagine. I would have gone insane had I not found this refuge.

I am also dealing with a second A my H has had. You can read my postings under "Am I piecing, I am soooooo confused" which is under the Piecing after the Affair board

It is a tough road but the first thing you have to do is deal with YOU, which is not an easy thing. But, you are no good to yourself, your D or your H (should you decide to fight for your marriage) if you don't take care of YOU first.

My H A's were 4 years apart and I know I never got over the first one totally, which makes this one even harder to swallow because I honestly don't know if I can get through this a second time, and he knows that.

However, having said that, it also depends on how your H is dealing with it. As for the HD and your LD - that's crap!! plain and simple. I have ALWAYS had a much higher drive than my H - but he was the one that had the A - twice!!

Bottom line - your H has to take responsibility for his actions. Going outside the marriage to deal with problems inside the marriage is disfunctional and an excuse, plain and simple - he is trying to point fingers at you for what HE did. And I wouldn't buy it!

You both need to get into counselling if you think would want to save the marriage but if he refuses to do so, going yourself is still a good idea because it will help you to deal with the emotional rollercoaster you are currently on.

I wish you all the best - keep posting

[lovelyolive]

Thanks for the response Heywyre..

You are so right, it is crap to deal with our problems by going outside of our marrige. I was trying to get him to tell me why he did it twice.. I understand why he felt unhappy but how could he possibly feel that the way to deal with that unhappiness was to have another affair.

That's what I'm so unsure about.. He says he wants to go to counseling and work on our marriage. Right now I can't even trust that this is true! We went through this once before.. Whatever was broke really was never fixed the first time. Now I'm not sure that we are morally and ethically compatable.

[lovelyolive]

So, how do you know that it's time to walk out the door (or not)? I can't take all of the lies and secrecy again. I am sitting here imagining that he is spending another "lunch" with her.

Do I really want our marriage to be over? or, is it just wishful thinking that this won't happen again and again and again? UGH! I am starting to feel really angry and need to keep myself in check so I've been pulling away from further conversations... I need time to think rationally.

[Heywyre]

Hi Lonely - sorry you are feeling so stressed - its the
sh!ts eh?

I wish I could wave the magic wand and tell you things will disappear instantly. Unfortunately, that's not the case. It takes time - I know, no one likes to hear that, but its the truth.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good - for the most part. But, it was Sunday, I had contact (in one way or the other) with H all day. Today was another story.

I started a new job today and there is no telephone where I work to be able to call him. Needless to say - STRESS BIG TIME. Mondays were also his day with OW (being his day off) so, MORE STRESS. I know he didn't go to see her today (because she lives 3 hours from where we live and there is no way he would have had time, from when I left home and got back and besides, he met me for lunch - ) but that doesn't mean he didn't call her right? But, I am trying to believe that he didn't when he tells me that. He is (I think) trying to be honest (which obviously in the past has been a HUGE fault of his - no kidding!!!) and telling me when he feels the "pull" to call her - so I guess that's a good thing. He also reaffirms how sorry he is for putting me through "turmoil" which is more reassurance - which I need BIG TIME for sure.

All in all, I guess today wasn't too bad and I have to keep thinking positive, which is not as easy as it sounds

Take care

[runningoutoftime]

My husband had a second affair too... although there was an 11 year span between the two... but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier.

The only positives in this is I'm more familar with the time span for healing (been there and done that!) and even though a second one makes you feel stupid and "duped" for trusting again, at least it has helped me realize this isn't my fault or because the marriage was "bad." I do think it's more an individual weakness. Kind of like someone who has a problem with drugs or alcohol.

Now, I'm wondering, since your husband has a problem with this and still wants to work on the marriage, would he be willing to participate in some long-term individual and marital therapy and be willing to share email passwords, allow you access to cell phone messages, etc... to help keep him from future temptation?

By the way, I do have a female friend who had three affairs on her husband, almost left the marriage with the last one, but then went into therapy to discover why she was doing this, learned about herself, hasn't had any affairs since, and can't imagine life without her husband.

[Heywyre]

Now, I'm wondering, since your husband has a problem with this and still wants to work on the marriage, would he be willing to participate in some long-term individual and marital therapy and be willing to share email passwords, allow you access to cell phone messages, etc... to help keep him from future temptation?

We have talked rather extensively about this whole thing. And, like you said, as much as it wasn't easier having to go through this all again, at least I know the "routine" and the time limits it will take. And, I feel I am also dealing with it better the second time around. Still VERY painful but I see different changes in H this time around. I don't think he actually realized the pain he caused me the last time. He seems to be much more remorseful this time around.

As for the "checking part" he doesn't use the computer (thank goodness) and I have been checking his cell bills (he doesn't know I have access to them). However, as part of the DB, I am trying desperately NOT to do that anymore - its tough but it can drive you insane!

However, having said that, it is true that this "problem" he has is like drugs etc. There are a lot of "issues" he has. He's been going to counselling (by himself and together with me) for several months now - even during the last part of the A. However, he confessed to the C (after I confronted him and the bomb hit) it had been going on during the sessions and he told him even right in front of me - so that's a good sign I would think

He has also agreed to talk to me if he feels the "pull" towards calling her and/or doing it again. The C said this is not something he is doing spontaneously, he is giving it some thought before he starts the process. However, the reason he is doing it is actually subconsciously and he doesn't have a total explanation for it right now. There are numerous things (mainly being adopted - there is a whole mess of problems with adoptees and my husband only found out when he was 55 years old - went down hill from there)

So, having said that, if H can consciously be aware of it and talk to me about it as it starts happening, the C is convinced he can break the cycle and change his thought patterns and redirect them away from that type of behaviour.

Sounds easy doesn't it? Ya right!! But, the good news is, H is willing to give it a good effort, he knows he has to or it will ruin not only our M but also his life.

[lovelyolive]

We had a rough night.. Stayed up almost the whole night and talked. I told him that I thought this was the end and he sobbed and sobbed and said he didn't want to end it. So, we talked about how we got where we were... Problems with our relationship before this A happened. What we could do to be better together. Then, we decided that we were going to wait to file for D until after our C session next week. There was a glimmer of hope.

But, today he called her right in front of me. I know I said that I didn't want lies but S**T I feel like he's rubbing my nose in it. And, after all of the good feelings we ended up having last night. UGH!!!! I feel so used up!!! I really don't know if I can go through this up and down.

He says that he's willing to give her up and yet his actions show that he's not. This is also not the OW first affair and she set up my husband the first time went over to here house. Her husband walked in on them and just shook his head and walked out. Maybe H and OW deserve each other and I just need to move on.. But, it makes me sooo sad

[lovelyolive]

Yes.. he has said that he is willing to go into longterm counseling whether it's for our marriage or individually. I think that he felt like he was being honest with me by having the phone conversation in front of me but how much is one person supposed to take????

[Heywyre]

It's one thing to be honest and open and it's another to be downright RUDE!!! I feel he is totally rubbing your face in it.

I know there are a lot of other suggestions on here. One of the male posters has a similar situation. Personally, I couldn't do that. As the old saying goes - Sh!t or get off the pot!

You either want to work on this M or you don't. There comes a time when one (either you or H) have to make a decision. It's not easy but you have to do what's right for YOU. If he is not willing to take that first step you need to, for your own sanity.

My H told me initially something along the lines that he was "working" on telling the OW - kind of weening himself off. Sorry but I couldn't live like that. I said, "you have a choice, either be with her and let me go or get rid of her - 100% - and work towards trying to reconcile this M". We talked about separating for a while but he was concerned if we separated I wouldn't want him back and it would be final, we talked about perhaps it not working regardless of his efforts to refrain from seeing OW. He weighed and balanced his options and was still sitting on the fence. I finally told him that it was time for him to let me go. He cried almost uncontrollably and made the decision right there and then to work on our M and attempt to get OW 100% out of his life.

Of course, he still has the emotional pull towards her - which he tells me about - but I know for a fact, he has not gone to see her since making that decision. I am still a little skeptical that he has not called her at all, but I am keeping my fingers crossed and trying not to think about it. I have to reserve my sanity at this time